pause…

…just because i love him.

Hurt

The heart aches,
I feel the burn,
don't know what it takes,
before I'd finally learn.

Not meant to be,
Now and forever,
A past I can't get free,
Of a happy future? Never.

Crying used to help ease,
Now I just feel numb,
Tear my heart open please,
Make me realize I'm so dumb.

The signs come back to haunt,
Should I try to overcome?
Its mean painful ignorant taunt,
Or with open arms it welcome?

Fake smiles and empty laughter,
Barricades come rising up,
Feelings overwhelm they smother,
it just makes me go what the f***?!

If only to be forgiven,
And given a shot of hope,
Instead of being forsaken,
And left around to mope.

Make it certain,
Or leave it be!
Or else out the door just turn,
And never again me you'd see.

Just a slice is all I ask,
Or even just to drink,
Self hurt leads to my demise,
Is a very tempting thought to think.

Dark shadowy corners of my mind,
Lurks the thoughts of harm,
Not a single word of kind,
But rather there goes the alarm.

Just f*** it all,
I don't give a damn,
Too tired to think of my fall,
After all, the question is just WHEN?

PS: I'm gonna ditch my letter writing challenge, its just getting too personal and too emotional for me, or maybe its just the PMS, either way, I'm giving up and calling it quits.


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Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Little thief,

Until today, long after it happened, it still affects me, You still affect me. Much as I try to reason things out, you bug me to no end.

I know how wimpy or wuss this may seem or it may even make you beam with scornful pride of the effect you have over me, but yes, you disturb me.

My guts told me from the very first time we were introduced that you were bad news. I just had the bad unsettling vibe about you. For goodness sake, did you lack basic common sense or do you really lack in body language speak?

You should have kept your sarcastic little lips shut and kept your thoughts to yourself! More importantly, kept your bloody hands to yourself! You don't pull off such jokes with people you've only met the first time around! Perhaps we kept it hushed thus you didn't know, but as I said, bloody body language!! Gosh.

I wanted that song for to be our song, but you ruined it when you took it and made it the song between you two. Ever since then and until today, I just cannot stand to listen to that song without feeling UGH!

I don't know what's worse; the fact that you two met up without me quite often or the fact that I let it happen. I should've seen it coming! Cunning little thief! Perhaps it was my fault eh?

Perhaps you two had a connection we didn't have, perhaps you two had feelings for each other way before we broke up, but gosh, you really should've known better not to bloody interfere! Took advantage of our weak links by offering your shoulder to cry on or supposedly being the bigger person by asking and encouraging us to stay on. Bullshit! You wanted us apart and you know it!

Well, I guess you won eh? Swooped in right after we broke up and claimed your title. And yet you could still think of cheating? My gosh, you never learn, do you?! Guess what sucka?- Karma's a bitch and it bites you back hard! Perhaps I'd never be as good as you or as satisfied as you, but heck, this girl had her own satisfaction in her own ways.

I can't believe you had the nerve to rub it in my face about the two of you and I can't believe I was foolish enough to help you out either. You may have been the best but I was the first, so whatever! Gosh, you irritate and infuriate me! And I can't believe I'm sinking to such low depths because of you.

Maybe the joke's on me, in not knowing certain things and perhaps in thinking I could fool you to think that we're now closer than you think, I know you two still keep in touch and I know I'm still a pain up your ass but frankly, I don't really care, I think you deserve it!

So have fun, I surrender my hands up.

Signing off,
the girl you tried to steal from.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Dear childhood playmate,

I know we played a lot and had lots of make believe play sessions but I can't remember the details. I was only 7 at that time?

The only thing I remember was I loved going over to your home in the squatter area to play Barbie dolls or whatever else we played those days. At that time, we didn't care what clothes we wore or where or what living conditions we were in, we were carefree and happy!

As I said, I can't remember the details, nor do I remember your name, but I do remember I had fun (or at least I think I did? I'd like to think I did.). Anyway, I wonder where you are now, I wonder how you are, I wonder if you remember. Just so you know, you made my childhood fun =)

Thank you,
The 7 year old girl.



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Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dear Unexpected,

It still hasn't sunken into me that you've gone back to your home, not having you around or at least not catching a glimpse of you these days seems odd.

You took me by surprise and you most certainly caught me off guard that time. I did not expect it at all and I didn't know how to react. You were a close friend, we spoke about quite a number of things, who would've known you felt that way about me.

I'm sorry I hurt you that night, words could not possibly explain or make up for how I treated you. I truly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I hope you had fun that night without me and I hope that you realized how terrible I would've been as someone special and backed out before you fell any deeper?

I thank you though for always being there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on or needed support or reassurance. I hope we'd keep in touch?

Xoxo,
Mandy.

PS: missed this letter because I had an assignment to complete =(


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Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Today is an exception, I would write this letter if I had someone to miss. But hmmm, I can't think of anyone or anything. Truly.

A day like today,
I sit and think to myself,
Feeling oh so gay,
Into my thoughts I delve.

What or whom do I miss the most?
Nothing comes to mind,
Even if I search from coast to coast,
Around me they are so no need to find.

Ever so lucky and blessed I am you see
The Lord had His hand in this
Made them all around me stay and be
So I wouldn't need anyone or anything to miss.

=)


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Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear friends of old,

Those I've known from primary school and high school and college. Distance has brought us apart as we've all gone our own ways, pursuing different majors and whatnot.

Some I still keep in touch from primary school and one in particular actually reprimanded me for not keeping in touch, which was totally justified and I appreciate that wake up call.

A few from high school whom I used to be so close to now has lost contact over time. Some of which different interests just caused the gap between us to be bigger. Flames of old gone as soon as the feelings were gone too.

College friends were a fun bunch, making trips here and there and yet somehow, I drifted away from them too for various reasons, known or unknown. I feel so bad for being such an antisocial.

However, I thank each and everyone who has been a friend of mine one time or another. It was truly fun. I hope we keep in touch even if it means the occasional hi and bye.

Love much,
The friend of old.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear Weekender,

Who knew one weekend could change things between you and I quite drastically? We had fun, thanks for showing me a good time, but I meant nothing more than friendship.

When we spoke for long hours on the phone, perhaps I led you on, perhaps I took advantage of you. The reason why I talked to you was not because I had interest in you, but because I actually did enjoy talking to you at times and didn't want to seem rude if I rejected a long distance call.

But I told you from the very start, I took you only as a friend and nothing more and you said you understood!

Thank you for showing me concern and care, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings; I know I did cause I didn't hear from you since the last few times that I couldn't pick up your calls. I know you thought we had chemistry and that we could've had a chance, but I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way.

I hope you'd find it in you somewhere to forgive me for how I hurt you. I'm sure there is a girl out there someday somewhere who will feel the same way as you and she would make you happy. You're really a nice person, I'm sorry.

All the best,
The long time friend.

Ps: I know I skipped a day again. Sigh. I did write it after all though.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Dear fucked up bastards,

You two really tore an innocent girl into shreds and changed her life forever. She spent countless years of her teenage life on autopilot mode because of you two, and still sometime do during her later years when she reminisces.

She can't help but think what her life would have been like had you two not have interfered. How she would've been like if she had stood up for herself. If she could've then appreciated life and love more.

One of the most upsetting factors was that you two tore her away from God for quite awhile. Thank God that He was constantly with her and made Himself known to her through various means and loved ones. He brought her out of it and made sure she remained safe.

Everything seemed to be on rewind in her mind and she constantly struggled with it everyday, wondering how things could've been different, talking herself out of it and calming herself down for the most part.

Try as she might and possibly unknown to you two, she has sought help in various ways too. Forgive and forget she has tried repeatedly. But how does one forgive and forget once the scars has been etched in so deeply reminding her of her darkest days?

So, since one can't cry over spilled milk and there would be no sense in doing so anyway, positive forward thinking is the best option for her. She has tried her best to learn her lesson and come out as strong and resilient as she possibly can.

So, in a final say, she may never come to terms fully with what has happened, but she will try her best to move forward. Hopefully with God's help, she may learn to forgive you two and you two may realize your mistakes and would seek forgiveness from God and me.


*i cannot bring myself to even sign off this letter. Nor do I think I have to apologize for my harsh language, I remained as calm as I could in writing this. Everything is just too numbing to hurt anymore.


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Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Late Beloveds,

I guess God decided you two were gonna be my guardian angels to watch me from above. He took you two away before I could meet you for myself, not even a teensy glimpse.

I can't help but think that meeting you two and having the chance to have conversations would have made a good difference in my life. Perhaps I would feel more secured about myself, perhaps I would not make the mistakes I've made.

Honestly, I struggle when I'm around elderly people, as opposed to how carefree and excited around small children. Thus, I think if I had the chance to spend time with you two and get used to talking, perhaps I'd have better tolerance and patience around elderly figure.

It would be really nice to talk to someone else elderly besides my parents for a change, especially if I'd like to speak about them. Perhaps I'd be more understanding and be less of a handful to deal with.

But yes, I would've really loved to have met and spoken to you two. Too bad I only hear high and mighty fairytale surreal like stories about the olden days. You two seem like nice people, and I hope you would've liked me if you had the chance to see me.

Oh well, we'd meet again soon one day. Surely God would allow me to thank my guardian angels who have watched over me.

I love you two!

Xoxo,
Your grand daughter.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Dear Bestie,

We've known each other for like what, 10 years plus? Out of all the friends I've gotten to know over the years, who knew you were one of the few to last the longest?

Distance brought us apart but we still kept in touch. We've gone from note wars in school to snail mail after the move and internet in our current years with the occasional reunions thrown in.

It's not that I deliberately not keep in touch, but somehow, I never seem to get around to doing so. I know it's no excuse, but it is how I explain myself.

We used to talk about everything under the sun, from getting through love issues of crushes and relationships to academic performance and striving each other forward to family bonds and everything else.

We may not talk as often or as long, but somehow, when we meet, time picks up from where we last left it. Reminiscing and sighing and laughing over the past, I am sure we'd have more years of friendship to come.

I love ya bestie! I am truly blessed to have an angel in the form of you come into my life.

XOXO,
Mandy.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Dear 15 year old self,

I wish I could go back in time to talk to you and prepare you for the coming years. Just to be a friend you could talk to and comfort you. If I could meet you, this is what I'd tell you.

The following years won't be easy, in fact it'll be very hard. You'd go through things no one your age should go through. But you'd come out stronger.

You'd find fun friends along the way especially close ones from church. But you might irk and anger a few from school and lose some too. You'd fall in and out of love several times too. School would pass you by without you noticing but if you can, pause and smell the roses.

God has His plans for you and sometimes it would contradict what you have in mind, but rest assured, everything would fall into place eventually. You might feel disconnected from Him for awhile, but I pray you hang on tightly and never give up hope, always try your very best to trust in Him and find positivity in your every day.

You might doubt yourself in the coming years and be extremely critical on yourself too. But hey, relax, give yourself a break. Don't let anyone else define who you are, don't let anyone else talk you down. For you are your own person and no matter what anyone does, says or takes from you, they can never take away you yourself.

So stay strong dear girl and be courageous! Never give up hope and keep trying. For you my girl will be matured and wise way beyond your age and come out more resilient.

I love you! And no matter how or what happens, I will never let you go!

Xoxo,
Your 22 year old self.

*PS: its been a long day, I didn't have chance to sit down to really think about composing a letter. Will try harder next time. After all, its only been 2days I've missed; I have about 20more days to make up for it =)


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Dear Tumblr sites,

I am more a wordy person than a visual person, thus explains my preference for blogger over you. I need my expression through written words and flowery nonsensical poetic attempts.

However, you have spiced up and gave deeper impact and meaning to my blogposts whenever I reblog your pictures. Don't worry, I link back =)

So yes, thank you for saying things my lips refuse to produce. Thank you for comforting me in knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel. And thank you for capturing how I feel when I struggled to express myself.

Love and appreciation much,
One of your followers.

PS: my favorite Tumblr sites are;

1. www.graphicsgalore.tumblr.com
2. www.anditslove.tumblr.com
3. www.icanreadthis.tumblr.com
4. www.canyoureadthis.tumblr.com
5. www.thappiness.tumblr.com
6. www.liquorinthefront.tumblr.com
7. www.suicideblonde.tumblr.com


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Dear loved one,

You were the turning point in my life cause you compelled me to start making a change. After starting to lose faith in love, you renewed my hope in love.

We had good times, great times indeed. Though things weren't always a bed of roses, you taught me valuable lessons and helped strengthened me. Memories aplenty will I cherish forever. Love each other we did, but we were just too different to reconcile our differences.

Just so you know, I appreciate that we still keep in touch. We may not be as close as before, but I know you will always look out for me as I for you.

I may seem at lost for words, I am, not because of you, but rather, I've said it all before, you know how I feel, you know how we are.

So yes, thank you for everything, thank you for letting me have a glimpse at true love.

Love much,
Hugs and kisses,
The girl of the past.

PS: I missed writing this letter yesterday because something happened and it was a really rough day. So I made up with two letters today =)


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 6 — A stranger

Dear strangers I've yet to meet,

If you happen to chance upon me, I beg you please don't judge me by my cover cause my looks are most definitely deceiving. I'm not how I seem to be.

I may keep to myself and come off as shy or utterly snobbish or simply antisocial. I assure you I'm not snobbish or antisocial, I really am shy. I may not talk much cause I don't know what I'd say or fear I might offend you. Or I may talk too much out of nervousness.

Or if you see me with my friends and is extremely noisy and boisterous with fake accents, annoying faces and everything, I'm crazy like that. I love acting out of my age and I do act childish, its just me, but I assure you I know my time and place.

It takes me awhile to warm up to you, but I can tell you this, get to know me and I can get quite fun to hang around with.

So yes, don't judge me by my first impression, I'd prove you wrong *winks*

Love much,
A friend you've yet to meet.

PS: After all, strangers are friends you haven't met yet or are friends waiting to happen.

PSS: listen to Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" for hope in finding love among strangers.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

You don’t own me - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

just because…

…i felt like it & she’s awesome!

Day 5 — Your dreams

Dear dreams,

You come as elusive as the blue moon. If ever you show up, ever so often fueled by troubled emotions. Wishes often unfulfilled in reality unfurl in dreamland. Troubled disturbing situations create a dream ten times worse when I sleep.

Rarely do I get a glimpse of pink clouds, sunshine and unicorn dreams of sweet. On rare occasions do I wake up smiling.

Adventure aplenty that don't make much sense are the most frequent plots. Often I wake up from these dreams still reeling from the emotions they evoke. The jolt from freefalling off a ramp I drove off from, or drenched in cold sweat and tears from a nightmare I wouldn't remember its details.

Bottom line is: I don't like you very much dreams, you often make me miserable. Either giving me little hope in things or scaring me about things or exaggerating little things that I don't need to worry about in the first place. Thank God I usually don't remember you.

Please leave me with dreamless peaceful sleep next time? I don't even want the sweet dreams.

Thank you,
Your disappointed customer,
Amnesiac Dreamer.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Dear pesky little brother,

Looking at our old pictures, I found many of me hugging you or us playing together. And yes, we were close last time, we had lots of fun, so much so that we'd end up in tears from teasing or disturbing each other so much.

Growing up, the distance between us grew too. You found your own interests and I found mine. Surly teenage attitude fueled the gap too. However, we did grow up and soon the gap grew closer without us realizing.

I know we're not that close like other siblings but our random conversations of the blue moon type and the fierce protectiveness we both exude or the secret pride we hold when either of us accomplished something shows that we are indeed close.

This sister of yours has a penchant for drunken moments, and fortunately, you were always there for me. From hushing me up and covering up for me to carrying me into the house when I've had one too many or simply hanging out with me with a few drinks. Thank you =)

As you said at my 21st, last time I looked out for you, now you're looking out for me. I feel proud and safe to have you as my brother and I'd ask for no other (not that mum or dad would have any more kids anyway..eew..lol..).

*coughiloveyoulilbrocough*

Xoxo,
Mandy.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 3 — Your parents

Dear Mum & Dad,

Where can I even begin to start this letter? I have no idea. This is where they say, too much to say in so little words.

Despite you telling me that I was an easy baby to look after, I know bringing me up was no easy task. From feeding difficulties as a child to ridiculous demands of the latest fads to teenage rebellion of growing up.

Its a very scary thought to know that I'd be completing my studies by the end of this year. How the years have flew by, from kindergarten to 11 years of school, and now completing 4years of college? This means this girl is finally growing up.

Its comforting to know the never ending and never failing love concern and support you two have shown me and continually show me. While you both love me in different ways, you love me all the same.

This girl may not be the best daughter out there who makes life easy for the both of you, but rest assured, she will make life interestingly challenging for the both of you.

Lots of love hugs and kisses,
Your daughter,
Mandy.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 2 — Your Crush

Dear high school crush,

Out of all the crushes and heartthrobs I've encountered over the years, you will be the most memorable of them all.

It was you I chased the hardest, tried the most to win you over and sought all out to win your affection. But I was too young a girl to understand what love or relationships really meant.

From timely trips to the toilet just so our paths would cross, to enthusiastic attendance in co curriculum activities knowing you had yours on the same day. From stealing glances at you during mutual functions, to secretly hoping you'd pick me for games. Just to name a few silly efforts I took.

Just so you know, the clearest memories I have of you are these: when I was taking a glimpse of you from the first floor and you happened to take a drink and look up *blush* (it was an embarrassing moment) or when I finally summoned the courage to email you how I felt only to have you tell me how you really felt few years later when you saw me with another (that was a funny moment).

Thinking about it now makes me laugh after finally realizing how naïve and silly I was. Yet how much fun indeed it was. Thank you for giving me memories I'd cherish forever. My high school experience wouldn't be complete without you.

Once again,
Thank you for everything,
Amanda.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Dear girlfriends (3+1),

We found each other through the years, little did we realize or know that we'd be as close as we are today. God indeed watches over me for He sent guardian angels in the form of friends such as you girls.

We had our good times, talking non-stop about anything and everything under the sun. Secrets were nothing between us, for we shared it all, our joys and tears. Many memories did we create, lotsa of pictures to prove it true, forever will I cherish, engraved in my heart.

Through thick and thin, we made it through. Our friendship had been threatened a few times before, but little do they realize, ours is a friendship too strong to break down. Here's hoping to many more years to come!

Different personalities, you and me, but together we collaborated and together, we came as one. Give and take, we learned the life lesson of compromise. Soon, I had a little of each of you rubbed off on me, and I too found myself in the likes of you.

Love has always come and go, but during those times, we stayed true. Though often you knew I was in the wrong and headed for disaster, you let me live my life and learn my lesson. Yet always, you all held my hand and saw me through it, waiting to give me an earful after. Thank you for your never failing patience and perseverance.

Thank you for putting up with my never ending rants and insecurities. Thank you for making me laugh when I felt so low. Thank you for lending your shoulder to cry on when I felt like a good cry. Thank you for the random shopping camwhoring afternoons. Thank you so very much for being you.

Forgive me if I've ever upset or hurt any one of you in any way,word or deed. I assure you, I wouldn't deliberately mean you harm.

You girls gave me new hope in relationships. For why look for love elsewhere, when I've found love in each of you. So this is my vow to you, through good times and in bad, in sickness and health, this friendship rings true forever and today.

Lotsa love, hugs, gratitude and kisses,
Mandy.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone