Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Triggers

It still hurts me until today
It still haunts me until today
I told myself I'll never play victim anymore
But the cycle just doesn't seem to stop
I hate that it has shaped me to be who I am today
I may have come out stronger
I may have survived
But the effects don't seem to wear off
I try to stay strong
I try to find reason for living
I try to take pride in myself
But i find myself making the same mistakes
Over and over again
Knowing how much it hurts me
Yet i seem to take pleasure in torturing myself
I tried cutting several people out of my life
Knowing how much power they hold over me
Yet every now and then, I stand defenseless
I am weakened by their mere presence
And I find myself back where I don't want to
It's as though I'm not me if I'm not like that
It's as though I don't know who to be if I'm not that
I keep myself busy
To keep my mind from wandering
To keep my hopes down
To keep myself afloat and breathing
Try and try and try again
I try so hard to keep forgiving
But I find it oh so difficult
I lose track of whom I'm trying to forgive
Them or myself
I force myself to plaster a smile
Like everything is alright
That it doesn't bring me down anymore
Perhaps that's the anecdote
Lies lies and more lies just to keep myself sane
So I don't know if I'm doing myself more harm or good this way
But it's currently the only way I know.

(Forgive me for this sudden irritating unnecessary rant. I'm sure the haters will have a field day misinterpreting this. Go f*ck yourselves cause I f*ck myself up enough thank you.)

Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Onslaught

The waves are rolling in
I'm keeping them at bay
The signs are ones I've seen
I'm hoping to delay
Don't wanna be where I've been
Wanna run away if I may
Cause I know what they mean
They're coming out to slay
Wanna drown myself in gin
To survive another day
Caught myself in between
The ends begin to fray
Everything starts to spin
I'm gonna lose my way. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Two Sides to a Coin

There's a mole
There's a snake
Dug a hole
Found a fake

Two faced much
Hot and cold
Lies and such
Truths untold

Whistle blows
Secret spies
Obvious shows
Devious lies

Protection
Vindictive
Destruction
Selective

Hurts to know
Injustice
One side flow
Prejudice

Trust broken
Plastered smile
Words unspoken
All the while

From a friend
To a foe
Make amends
Big doubt so

Out of sight
Out of mind
Got no fight
Left behind
Waste of might
Waste of time

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Hello, Goodbye.

so i haven't updated in the longest time
perhaps its time to shut the door
i no longer have the knack for rhyme
i just don't have it in me anymore

maybe its a good thing
since i only rhyme in depression
maybe its a bad thing
cause i would've lost a way to release tension

maybe i'll visit every now and then
if the mood strikes me
if i need pieces to mend
or find my inner me

i want to blog and write
trust me, i really do
but how with a schedule so tight?
plus all the excuses too

according to the statistics
people still visit
i havent updated in weeks
so what's there to it?

anyway, a quick check-in
to say hello, i'm still alive
just in case you were wondering
if i've gone to the deep end dive

now goodbye
until next time
i have a sigh
to once more write what's mine

Monday, January 26, 2015

Fucked Up

Haters, I'm feeling generous, so here's a treat for you all. i know y'all are gonna have a field day with this.

It's so hard not to be a fuck up in life. As though it seems to be a personal mission to fuck up every single aspect of my life.

I seem to fuck up every single thing I do, whether i try to do it or not do it at all, it'll always end up fucked up.

To not give a fuck is crime. to try and give a fuck is crime. to fuck is crime. make me wonder since when was there a bounty on my head that i seem to be the target of every fucked up situation there is. 

As though its not bad enough that i've been fucked up with, I gotta go and get myself fucked. Not once, but over and over and over again. As though a reminder like heck, i'm already fucked right? what's another round of fucking gonna do to me. 

Sometimes i wonder whether i purposely fuck things up just to push the limits of how fucked up i can be. Or whether i really am fucked up to begin with. or whether circumstances have fucked me over so much that i end up as fucked up as i am. or am i just fucked up that i seem to attract all the fucked up things in the universe to shower their fucked up blessings on me.

what makes the whole thing worse is that its bad enough i remind myself constantly of how fucked up i am, but to have other remind me too? or shove it in my face & rub it in just for effect? just fucking wow.

so apparently, word on the street is; forgiveness is fleeting. forgetfulness is unacceptable. having a voice is futile. harbouring hope is stupid. laziness is a death sentence. minding my own business still means poking my damn nose into everything.

the biggest blow of all, with all this and more, its a huge reminder of how fucking ungrateful I am with the gift of life that God has given me. Cause i honestly feel like im back into autopilot mode, barely breathing, barely surviving, barely living at all & just letting the seconds tick me by. Call me paranoid but when you actually stop and think about it, we don't have much time left on Earth. We're living on borrowed time. & when God asks at the end of the day, so how have you fully utilized or expanded the life I've granted you? I can only imagine myself coming up blank.

In spite of all of this, I can still take the time to be thankful. So yes, thank You Lord for making me a coward that I may never harm myself. I've gone through this before, somehow I'm gonna go through this again. Better hold on to my sanity while i still can. 

So the next time anyone asks me how the fuck am i; you're gonna get a big toothy grin that says i'm all fucking fine! I can punish myself well enough so save yourselves the trouble eh.