Triggers

It still hurts me until today
It still haunts me until today
I told myself I'll never play victim anymore
But the cycle just doesn't seem to stop
I hate that it has shaped me to be who I am today
I may have come out stronger
I may have survived
But the effects don't seem to wear off

I try to stay strong
I try to find reason for living
I try to take pride in myself
But i find myself making the same mistakes
Over and over again
Knowing how much it hurts me
Yet i seem to take pleasure in torturing myself
I tried cutting several people out of my life
Knowing how much power they hold over me
Yet every now and then, I stand defenseless

I am weakened by their mere presence
And I find myself back where I don't want to

It's as though I'm not me if I'm not like that
It's as though I don't know who to be if I'm not that
I keep myself busy
To keep my mind from wandering
To keep my hopes down
To keep myself afloat and breathing

Try and try and try again
I try so hard to keep forgiving
But I find it oh so difficult
I lose track of whom I'm trying to forgive
Them or myself

I force myself to plaster a smile
Like everything is alright
That it doesn't bring me down anymore
Perhaps that's the anecdote
Lies lies and more lies just to keep myself sane

So I don't know if I'm doing myself more harm or good this way
But it's currently the only way I know.

(Forgive me for this sudden irritating unnecessary rant. I'm sure the haters will have a field day misinterpreting this. Go f*ck yourselves cause I f*ck myself up enough thank you.)