Hello. It's been awhile. I need to get it out. So I'm just gonna rant again. I think it's because the time of month is coming or cause I'm falling sick or cause I'm tired or cause I've got too much on my plate or just cause it's something that happens every now and then.
Looking at those around me, I think I'm the one with the issues. Everyone else seems to be mixing around well, I just don't fit in. I never do. Since forever. Perhaps that's just how I'm meant to be or how I've kept myself. I don't know how to function in a social environment.
Maybe it's all my unresolved issues. Maybe it's everything eating away at me from inside. Maybe it's all the scars I've borne since forever. Maybe it's me rebelling against my name that I am unworthy of anything or anyone.
Maybe it hurts that everyone else seem to be living their lives tremendously well and I'm just the hypocrite faking it. Maybe I got triggered cause my colleague asked me to volunteer as his counselling client to help him with his hours. I know I need counselling, I've stayed away cause I know I have too many unresolved issues. I've kept myself together all these years without counselling, I certainly can continue keeping myself together. So when the time comes, I gotta come up with another insignificant issue in my life just to hide the bigger issues.
Maybe it's cause I keep attracting the wrong crowd and giving off the wrong vibes about myself. Or maybe it's really me and I'm just psycho like that. Broken beyond repair. Or maybe it's to prove a point to myself and bring myself down yet another step to say that yeah, you're worthless.
Others keep saying I always have a smile on my face. Others have also said I'm forever sleepy. Others have also said I'm God-fearing. All of which are true. The smile plastered on my face conceals the turmoil within me. I'm forever exhausted because of lack of sleep or emotionally or mentally or simply cause I can't deal with reality and I'm escaping. God is the only thing I'm hanging onto cause I can't rely on anything or anyone else without potentially hurting them or myself in the process. If I lose my faith, that really would be the end of me.
It struck me today that why should I bother keeping a diary or a blog. It's not like I'm living a life worth remembering. I don't think I'm even doing right as a mother to my own child. I love her fiercely but everyday is a struggle with myself whether I'm worthy of her. I fear and feel so disappointed in myself that she had a mother like me. Once again, maybe it's me proving a point to myself that I'm worthless like that.
I know others have it much worse than me. Everyone has their own struggles. But to each one's own eh? One man's meat is another man's poison. Maybe I'm just selfish this way.
I think I've ranted enough. Hope no one bothered reading until the end. These are just empty poisonous words that I had to get out of my system. I should be a-okay again after this.
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