Rant Session July 2019

Hello. It's been awhile. I need to get it out. So I'm just gonna rant again. I think it's because the time of month is coming or cause I'm falling sick or cause I'm tired or cause I've got too much on my plate or just cause it's something that happens every now and then.

Looking at those around me, I think I'm the one with the issues. Everyone else seems to be mixing around well, I just don't fit in. I never do. Since forever. Perhaps that's just how I'm meant to be or how I've kept myself. I don't know how to function in a social environment.

Maybe it's all my unresolved issues. Maybe it's everything eating away at me from inside. Maybe it's all the scars I've borne since forever. Maybe it's me rebelling against my name that I am unworthy of anything or anyone.

Maybe it hurts that everyone else seem to be living their lives tremendously well and I'm just the hypocrite faking it. Maybe I got triggered cause my colleague asked me to volunteer as his counselling client to help him with his hours. I know I need counselling, I've stayed away cause I know I have too many unresolved issues. I've kept myself together all these years without counselling, I certainly can continue keeping myself together. So when the time comes, I gotta come up with another insignificant issue in my life just to hide the bigger issues.

Maybe it's cause I keep attracting the wrong crowd and giving off the wrong vibes about myself. Or maybe it's really me and I'm just psycho like that. Broken beyond repair. Or maybe it's to prove a point to myself and bring myself down yet another step to say that yeah, you're worthless.

Others keep saying I always have a smile on my face. Others have also said I'm forever sleepy. Others have also said I'm God-fearing. All of which are true. The smile plastered on my face conceals the turmoil within me. I'm forever exhausted because of lack of sleep or emotionally or mentally or simply cause I can't deal with reality and I'm escaping. God is the only thing I'm hanging onto cause I can't rely on anything or anyone else without potentially hurting them or myself in the process. If I lose my faith, that really would be the end of me.

It struck me today that why should I bother keeping a diary or a blog. It's not like I'm living a life worth remembering. I don't think I'm even doing right as a mother to my own child. I love her fiercely but everyday is a struggle with myself whether I'm worthy of her. I fear and feel so disappointed in myself that she had a mother like me. Once again, maybe it's me proving a point to myself that I'm worthless like that.

I know others have it much worse than me. Everyone has their own struggles. But to each one's own eh? One man's meat is another man's poison. Maybe I'm just selfish this way.

I think I've ranted enough. Hope no one bothered reading until the end. These are just empty poisonous words that I had to get out of my system. I should be a-okay again after this.

Midnight Ramblings

Exposed at such a tender age

Beyond comprehension taken under

To hear such a story would fill you with rage

Would make you want to pillage and plunder

Repeatedly for so many years

Unbeknownst to anyone hushed

Shed much too many tears

Yet silenced and shushed

Groomed and conditioned 

All ripened for plucking 

Yet to no one mentioned

All poised for fucking

Denial and lies

Refused to believe

How times flies 

Reality no relieve 

Such persistence

Such reluctance

Such insistence

Such resistance 

Surrender at last

Efforts unravelled

Cave in a must 

Till efforts paralleled 

Things I’ve Been Told

I have been told to be content with what I have. I have been told to step out of my comfort zone.
I have been told to venture out. I have been told to stick to the norm.
I have been told to try new things. I have been told to stick to what I know.
I have been told to dream big. I have been told to be realistic.
I have been told to be silent. I have been told to be vocal.
I have been told to be modest. I have been told to be wild.
I have been told to be obedient. I have been told to be rebellious.
I have been told I'm loved beyond measure. I have been told I'm impossible to love.
I have been told I am pretty. I have been told I'm fat.
I have been told to be careful. I have been told to throw caution to the wind.
I have been told to stay true firm in my beliefs. I have been told to change with the times.
I have been told to be outspoken. I have been told not to be rude.
I have been told to be true to myself. I have been told to fake it until you make it.

With everything everyone else tells me and what I tell myself, it's no wonder I feel like I'm stretched beyond my limits. I understand I need to be adaptable, but where do I draw the line before I lose myself completely? I find myself constantly changing to meet everyone else's needs and keep myself afloat, who am I really? My weakness is my strength, vice-versa. What I know is what I hate, yet it is what I've perfected and I struggle internally on whether it is a source of pride or shame to have such notches in my life.

So tell me, who do you want me to become today? I'll perfect that role especially if it'll fail me.

Because some days I feel like crying...

It’s been awhile. I know. I find myself torn in two, in both relief and dread that I’m writing again. Relief that I’m doing something to vent, dread that I even needed to vent in the first place. 

Even after all these years, you’d think I’d get used to it by now. But the dull ache still throbs under my skin. The tears still threaten to spill forth. The wrath and hatred still brewing within me. And the worst part is, all of which are directed to no one else but me. 

Recent trigger, I realised, is a book I just finished. Reading it left a distaste in my mouth thinking how the male lead kept saying “You will do this for me because you know you want to,” and the female lead despite not wanting to do it will end up doing it because she knows deep down that she does want to. That somehow she knows he knows better than her but refuses to admit it. 

I find it disturbing that I could relate to the character in so many ways, more than one. I guess that was what drew me to read the book in the first place. I tried to comfort myself (or delude myself) that at least I wasn’t obsessed with counting, at least I could still socialise. I also pushed it out of my mind how close to the edge I could go if I let my guard down. 

This month has been a struggle with coming to terms with myself, the beliefs that I hold close to my heart and the lies I tell myself to persevere through each day. It’s struggling to keep myself held together and not crumble apart. Cause I find it safer to be numb and indifferent, just gotta keep myself distracted for the most part.

And with that, so ends my rant. I guess negativity is still ingrained within me. I still strive to find the silver lining every time. 

Triggers

It still hurts me until today
It still haunts me until today
I told myself I'll never play victim anymore
But the cycle just doesn't seem to stop
I hate that it has shaped me to be who I am today
I may have come out stronger
I may have survived
But the effects don't seem to wear off

I try to stay strong
I try to find reason for living
I try to take pride in myself
But i find myself making the same mistakes
Over and over again
Knowing how much it hurts me
Yet i seem to take pleasure in torturing myself
I tried cutting several people out of my life
Knowing how much power they hold over me
Yet every now and then, I stand defenseless

I am weakened by their mere presence
And I find myself back where I don't want to

It's as though I'm not me if I'm not like that
It's as though I don't know who to be if I'm not that
I keep myself busy
To keep my mind from wandering
To keep my hopes down
To keep myself afloat and breathing

Try and try and try again
I try so hard to keep forgiving
But I find it oh so difficult
I lose track of whom I'm trying to forgive
Them or myself

I force myself to plaster a smile
Like everything is alright
That it doesn't bring me down anymore
Perhaps that's the anecdote
Lies lies and more lies just to keep myself sane

So I don't know if I'm doing myself more harm or good this way
But it's currently the only way I know.

(Forgive me for this sudden irritating unnecessary rant. I'm sure the haters will have a field day misinterpreting this. Go f*ck yourselves cause I f*ck myself up enough thank you.)

The Onslaught

The waves are rolling in

I'm keeping them at bay

The signs are ones I've seen

I'm hoping to delay

Don't wanna be where I've been

Wanna run away if I may

Cause I know what they mean

They're coming out to slay

Wanna drown myself in gin

To survive another day

Caught myself in between

The ends begin to fray

Everything starts to spin

I'm gonna lose my way. 

Two Sides to a Coin

There's a mole
There's a snake
Dug a hole
Found a fake

Two faced much
Hot and cold
Lies and such
Truths untold

Whistle blows
Secret spies
Obvious shows
Devious lies

Protection
Vindictive
Destruction
Selective

Hurts to know
Injustice
One side flow
Prejudice

Trust broken
Plastered smile
Words unspoken
All the while

From a friend
To a foe
Make amends
Big doubt so

Out of sight
Out of mind
Got no fight
Left behind
Waste of might
Waste of time

Hello, Goodbye.

so i haven't updated in the longest time
perhaps its time to shut the door
i no longer have the knack for rhyme
i just don't have it in me anymore

maybe its a good thing
since i only rhyme in depression
maybe its a bad thing
cause i would've lost a way to release tension

maybe i'll visit every now and then
if the mood strikes me
if i need pieces to mend
or find my inner me

i want to blog and write
trust me, i really do
but how with a schedule so tight?
plus all the excuses too

according to the statistics
people still visit
i havent updated in weeks
so what's there to it?

anyway, a quick check-in
to say hello, i'm still alive
just in case you were wondering
if i've gone to the deep end dive

now goodbye
until next time
i have a sigh
to once more write what's mine

Fucked Up

Haters, I'm feeling generous, so here's a treat for you all. i know y'all are gonna have a field day with this.

It's so hard not to be a fuck up in life. As though it seems to be a personal mission to fuck up every single aspect of my life.

I seem to fuck up every single thing I do, whether i try to do it or not do it at all, it'll always end up fucked up.

To not give a fuck is crime. to try and give a fuck is crime. to fuck is crime. make me wonder since when was there a bounty on my head that i seem to be the target of every fucked up situation there is. 

As though its not bad enough that i've been fucked up with, I gotta go and get myself fucked. Not once, but over and over and over again. As though a reminder like heck, i'm already fucked right? what's another round of fucking gonna do to me. 

Sometimes i wonder whether i purposely fuck things up just to push the limits of how fucked up i can be. Or whether i really am fucked up to begin with. or whether circumstances have fucked me over so much that i end up as fucked up as i am. or am i just fucked up that i seem to attract all the fucked up things in the universe to shower their fucked up blessings on me.

what makes the whole thing worse is that its bad enough i remind myself constantly of how fucked up i am, but to have other remind me too? or shove it in my face & rub it in just for effect? just fucking wow.

so apparently, word on the street is; forgiveness is fleeting. forgetfulness is unacceptable. having a voice is futile. harbouring hope is stupid. laziness is a death sentence. minding my own business still means poking my damn nose into everything.

the biggest blow of all, with all this and more, its a huge reminder of how fucking ungrateful I am with the gift of life that God has given me. Cause i honestly feel like im back into autopilot mode, barely breathing, barely surviving, barely living at all & just letting the seconds tick me by. Call me paranoid but when you actually stop and think about it, we don't have much time left on Earth. We're living on borrowed time. & when God asks at the end of the day, so how have you fully utilized or expanded the life I've granted you? I can only imagine myself coming up blank.

In spite of all of this, I can still take the time to be thankful. So yes, thank You Lord for making me a coward that I may never harm myself. I've gone through this before, somehow I'm gonna go through this again. Better hold on to my sanity while i still can. 

So the next time anyone asks me how the fuck am i; you're gonna get a big toothy grin that says i'm all fucking fine! I can punish myself well enough so save yourselves the trouble eh.

Conservative? Not.

(something i had in my drafts...hmm, cant even remember what it was about that riled me up. Oh well, enjoy)

I can sense how it travels along my skin
Violating every inch of my body
I can feel my goosebumps prick the back of my neck
The chill running down my spine
All too familiar
The disgust coursing through my veins
Contempt seeping out of my pores

The inner being on alert
The caged beast awoken
It primes itself ready and poised
Neck craned strategically
So never to lose sight
Ever ready to play the role

Like what you see huh?
Too bad you cant get more than that
So keep your damn spies to yourself
Especially when you're already taken
Or keep the damn judgements out of your eyes
Cause i wear what i like

If its appreciation or concern,
I welcome them freely
But if I've suddenly become the butcher's meat
Such good feast for a hungry man's eyes
Go F yourself!
I've had enough in the past to last me a lifetime

And hell no, my dressing should not provoke you to stare
Didn't you learn to respect women? Guess not.
Perhaps I should punch you in the face
For provoking me with your stupidity

Be careful what you wish for

Be careful what you wish for
someone once told me
for wishes might come true and more
in ways I’d never foresee

Whoever said that was a genius
for it did indeed come to be
no longer made oblivious
toppled all upon me

Escaping in books aplenty
Made myself a world of fantasy
Created scenarios to my fancy
Dreamt of places of ecstasy

Everything came true
But nothing was free
Everyone wasn’t you
All had a catch, a fee

He who cooked, reeked
He who sexed, used
He who sang, clingy
He whose riches, pompous
He who cared, boring
He who adored, desperate
He whose looks, attitude
He who charmed, perved
He who seemed perfect, ran

So I’ve concluded
Wishes are traps
Don’t be deluded
Lies in fancy wraps

So no matter the effort
Worthless without the spark
Save yourself the exert
Give up, don’t give a fuck

The higher the wall
Or the lower the expectation
Either way, we’ll fall
Alone in desolation

I cannot pretend anymore
I’m tired of the façade
Get out of the door
Save yourself and your heart
Don’t look back to before
Walk away, be smart
I’m not the girl to adore
So take a hike, depart.

Random Opposites

In the dark of the moonlight

On a bright starry night

You're too far to hold tight

Miss you less with all my might 

Amusing things that'll make me sad

Happy things that'll make me mad

All the good things to spoil me bad

I'm so boring that I'm rad 

Huge issues made so small

Small beings seem so tall

The illusion of a moving wall

No one there to hear my call

Random words match in rhyme

Captured still, the passing time 

Never yours, always mine

Going mad, faking fine 

Jump off to sleep

Shallow dreams of emotions so deep

May you laugh until you weep

Until you snooze the morning beep

Silly chants so serious

Sweet words so devious 

Ignorance so obvious

Move forward past the previous

*Note: Really random stuff I came up with while waiting for my nails to dry 😂

Contemptous Ennui

you think you're strong, you're not

a soul so black, you'd rot

pfft to think you're hot

insignificant, they forgot

such a disgrace, such shame

nothing different, still the same

different players, same game

no one else but yourself to blame

tears fall like the rain

take all the hurt and the pain

all to lose, nothing to gain

your only worth is disdain

you can't even stand up tall

how many steps before you fall

hit your head against the wall

and no one there to hear your call

down the spiral off you go

sinking down the hole so low

then they'll say i told you so

why didn't you just say no

so just forget it

you little piece of shit

brainless twit

get outta my face before i hit

No Laughing Matter

I am entirely disgruntled at laughter. Maybe I've lost my ability to laugh or maybe I'm just going through one of my down phases. Or maybe there's nothing worth laughing about.

I dislike it with a vengeance cause people misuse it. Uncomfortable? Laugh. Made a mistake? Laugh. Guilty? Laugh. Watching a really horrible gore scene? Laugh. Softening the blow of something harsh? Laugh. Trying to poke fun without being obvious? Laugh. Lost for words? Laugh. Awkward? Laugh.

There's nothing funny about the situations above at all. Don't you dare use coping mechanism as an excuse. Laughter just belittles everything and that sucks. It's overused for all the wrong reasons that it's brought out an adverse effect on me, cause now I just wanna grimace at every laughter I hear. Everytime I smile or laugh now, it really feels plastic or plastered on or hollow even. Hypocritical of me? Aren't we all? Tsk.

So maybe it's just me. Maybe I have underlying reasons to be infuriated by it all. Maybe I'm just jealous. Why can't I feel the overwhelming happiness nowadays? Why do my smiles feel forced? Why can't my laughter come rumbling from deep within me?

Cause right now, I laugh because it's the only appropriate response. I laugh cause it's my obligation. I laugh because I have to. I laugh so as to not offend the other. I laugh so much that I feel like crying. I wish it was cause it tickled me so much to the point of tears. But it's really cause it hurts to laugh. It pains me to laugh.

Pfft, who am I to be selfish & sulk right? So here you go. *grins* (for your sake & mine, let's pretend I meant that).

Judge Hypocrite

The thoughts that run through my mind when scrolling through Social Media feeds (don't judge me):

1. How is it that she's much heftier than me & yet she's got herself a boyfriend??
2. She's nice and all, but she's just NOT a looker. Yet she's keeping fit with Zumba, Body Combat & whatnot? She's even wearing makeup??
3. She's got such a bitchy attitude & yet she managed to get someone who's willing to tolerate her??
4. She's so bratty & yet she's lavished with riches aplenty??
5. She's really not all that much to shout about & yet she's got a gazillion likes on an unedited pic??
6. She's got such an "ancient" style & yet she's some big shot in a company now??

What the heck is wrong with the world?? I've got so much to offer! I'm gorgeous! I'm "humble". I speak well, with pun to boot. I know the difference between cheap fashion and classy fashion. So why are they getting all the attention and not me??


Ironic isn't it? How one asks others to not judge them, yet look down on everybody else. Why would someone seek high maintenance poison when they can be much happier with humble simplicity? How can one be positive about things and attract positivity, when all one exudes is negativity. There's so much more to looks & material possessions.

It is true when they say love is blind. It is not blind infatuation/affection that you choose to completely ignore or disregard the cons of a person. Rather, it is the overwhelming love that engulfs you, that you instead accept the cons and flaws of a person that it's not even an issue to begin with at all. You end up loving the person selflessly and wholeheartedly that you rejoice in the pros & accept or challenge the cons to be transformed into pros.

Therefore, it is also true about "The Secret". To be loved, you must first love. To attract good things and positivity, you must first be positive and do good deeds. To have someone date you, you must first change to be someone you would be willing to date yourself. Remember karma; do good & good will be done unto you, do harm & harm will in turn come upon you.

So before you pick the speck outta your neighbor's eye, pick the log outta your own eye first. Learn to love yourself first and foremost, before you attempt to love anyone else or before you allow anyone else to love you. After all, how would you know what love is if you haven't discovered it for yourself. Confidence is the key. Have Faith. Let go & let God.

Right Now.

In need of a good long cry.

Escapism

The tendency to indulge in a particular character or associate to something much too much. It could either remind you of a distant memory that you'd rather have buried. Or it could be exactly what you're facing now or wish not to Have at the current time. Or it could also be a future you had wished for yourself, be it something you work towards or one that you could never possibly have in your wildest dreams.

If you so much as connect to a particular character, you're pretty much a goner. Every emotion the character is feeling, courses through your veins. Every situation the character is going through, puts you right in their shoes. Every wish the character wishes, your heart longs for the very same. And you find yourself comparing it to the reality in which you may or may not have the exact or similar similarities.

While being totally engrossed in a particular material helps distract unpleasant memories or situations or thoughts away, once finished, will leave you feeling hollow and in want for more like an addict who's run out of a fix. You're left craving for more that you'd start to blur the lines of reality & fictitious worlds. The irony of it all is you meant only as means to keep yourself sane but seemingly losing grip on your sanity with each ending.

So yes Ms Troubled Past, I hide secrets of my own too. And yes Ms Practiced Conformity, I know how to keep a straight face too. As for you Ms Bitter Pessimist, I've been screwed over before too. Ms Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover, I know your tricks & can use them as manipulatively too. Ms Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places, I've got my track record and a reputation that precedes me too. And yourself Ms Get Yourself Together, I'm hanging on by a thread too. So it's tough enough being me, I associate myself with every character in the novels that I read & the movies that I watch & songs that I listen to.

For better or for worst, it's the only form of therapy I can afford to for now.

Say Saying Said

Crash crash crash
Down into the ditch
You left me high and dry
Like you didn't care at all
What was I thinking
Was I delusional
To think that you
Were even possible

Stop stop stop
Running through my mind
Get out right now
I'm sick of you in there
You don't belong
Anywhere close to me
Got better things to do
Instead of you today

Fool fool fool
Made myself of me
Thought I was in love
Alas not at all
It was all a game
Why couldn't I see
Yet I agreed
Just a mere plaything

Now now now
I should be over it
Why the heck
With all the lies
What ifs and whatnots
Are a thing of the past
Let go and let God
He'll put it all to rest

A prose, aight?

Sleepless nights
Take all my might
To focus my sight
On the brightest of lights
A flash of blinding white
Gotta keep things tight
To soar new heights
Where they fly the highest of kites
A tale of my plight
Already finished not quite
Until the day I set things right
Adventures forever I now invite
Come now, I promise not to bite.

Wee morning thoughts.

Sometimes I'm proud of myself. I survive my detox & days go by without anything amiss. Then it'll strike & I'm back to square one. Sometimes I'm thankful for the way things are, other times I wish I heard something, anything. It's silly that I still have these questions and thoughts when they shouldn't matter anymore. God has already helped me by shutting down any and every means possible yet my heart is still not at peace. Sometimes I managed to convince myself that I'm not convincing myself & I'm entirely alright yet other times I'm not so sure. At this instance, I'm all negative emotions. One thing I do know, it still fucking hurts until today & it's just a matter of how I block it out again. They say confrontation is better than running away or suppressing, yet what's there to confront? Nothing. There's no one to talk to without getting a slap in your face in return. At times like this, I feel like I need a psychologist just to talk things out and work things out. I mean how long can one harbor such emotions & not let it eat away at you.

Anyway, I'm sleepy now. Just needed a rant. One of those difficult nights. Night.