be my rocket launcher

hey rocket launcher,
you’ve got my heart racing so fast
beating against the cage of my heart
a feeling seemingly never to pass

hey rocket launcher,
wish you had me a homing missile
like cupid’s arrow straight through my heart
if only it could go the extra mile

hey rocket launcher,
your flint has caused me sparks
mysterious as you seem
its too late, you’ve left your marks

hey rocket launcher,
you’re way too hot
too cool cute and smooth
if only i had a shot

hey rocket launcher,
i cant stop thinking about you
my lips are set to continually grin
even my skin a blush crept through

hey rocket launcher,
you’ve got me speaking ten to a dozen
im so nervously excited
sometimes i think my brain got frozen

hey rocket launcher,
i may not be your target zone
but i sure as hell got a lockdown on you
even if it means id still end up alone

so yes rocket launcher,
thanks for putting a smile on my face
its been ages since i felt this way
in fact, i think im in one happy maze =)

yes you,
though you’d probably not read this anytime soon
you and your cute smile swooning me off my feeT,
unknowingly that is =P

give up already!

for once girl, forget it all
dont think dont worry dont nothing
just let go free fall and empty
no use in hope or expectations
dont hear dont listen
dont look dont see
dont you dare lay a want
there aint nothing you ever gonna know
aint nothing you ever gonna learn
count on no one but God and yourself
depend on no one else either
save yourself the trouble
and dont bother relationships
you’re only gonna hurt the other
and end up hurting yourself
you dear, are one big mess
no point in anything
definitely wont make a point in anyone else
you are a point
a point so small a speck to be blown away
so forget it girl
you aint gonna find happiness in anyone

.STOP.

 yes, even i cant stand my own voice

if only i could
to love and be loved.

The magic of five.

you know how some things just dont seem to fit? just when you saw that glimmer of hope, it just vanishes before you very eyes? and you’re back to thinking, oh well, “ain’t that a surprise..” while rolling your eyes. so you don’t bother, you put it out of your mind, trying positive thinking and just moving on. after all, one too many disappointments, one more is not going to make a difference.

and then the day just flies by, you’re having fun. you’re catching up, you’re laughing. all the while, the wriggling thought is inching its way back to your conscious mind. yes, the thought is nice indeed. you hear a voice, but you can’t make out what you hear. “hello! back to Earth?! wipe that silly grin off your face, wont you? you look like a monkey.” you snap back to reality. then the bubbles froth up! bursts of happiness just radiates through you. and oh gosh, you would tell yourself, “now ain’t this nice?” in some Country drawl? knowing, in fact, certain to yourself. no way is there hope. and once again, just push it out of your mind.

Ah-Hah! guess the world decided to grab your ankles and turn you upside down. a blurry frenzy, the blood rushes to your brain, you can’t think straight. everything’s set on fast forward speed. and several very long fast forwarded moments and plenty of blushing later, it all just bubbles over. one huge frothy mix of swirly bright colorful lights. and you’ve got yourself magic!

after all the pushing away and the frantic hurry, you’re now wishing and willing it ever to be slowed down, for time to stand still. everything seemed too good to be true, but wow! was it great! was it great indeed! and that’s when you realize, hope weaves it way in not the biggest of signs but the simplest of gestures. hope is magic waiting to be unleashed. so tonight, i found my own kind of magic. even if im still skeptical about hope. the tiny wriggling worm still roams free.

cheeks are starting to hurt,
this is a very good sign indeed,
i really dont care how it goes,
all i know is im happy again.

thank you for showing me magic.

new horizons of happy

the distance looks so tempting
oh the memories id hold onto
of wishing and hoping in the impossible
irresponsible i simply couldnt do

take a stab at my heart
you’d find me quite numb
of disappointment over the years
i think i was quite naive and dumb

but oh the new horizons
brings about such happiness and smiles
of unknown spaces and areas to explore
expectations i’d break like fragile tiles

so new beginnings im starting
the old to be kept locked in memory
of just going with the flow
is something id do oh so gladly

 
.indeed.

this girl is happy =D

of the weaker sex? sigh.

recently we college girls spoke of ridiculous breakup reasons and every solid reason as to why a relationship would not work out or why that “perfect one” is actually the “perfect none”.

yet funny enough, no matter the reason or excuse, we’d fall for it anyway and go crawling back to the sucka, begging to be forgiven (though not at fault) and ask to be taken back. worse still, we’d harbor the hope that a change would somehow come around.

 
i know the circumstances, i know the reasons, i know the consequences. i told myself no, i thought to myself that i was okay with things. but heck my oh my oh my oh my, was i ever so wrong. it was no need for words to be spoken, the mere presence, the mere sight, was enough to bring me crashing back down to reality. and here i had high hopes in myself that i was stronger.

and to make things worse? contact was initiated. sigh. thanks a lot la. seriously. ever heard of tact? the play of words? double meaning? loaded statements? innuendoes? doubt so, yet unknowingly highly skilled at it. how ever did such influence affect me so heavily?

this girl is weak. this girl has self-control issues. this girl is easily addicted to tempting “bad for health” stuff. this girl swoons ever so easily too. this girl harbors the impossible heart-shattering hope in spite of all the obvious warnings and danger signs. this girl falls, in love.

so yes, i still prefer the score of the no collision contact worlds. makes it easier somehow though quite hard. its been what? say 3 bumps so far? 0 the rest of the way? not that im keeping count, i think. but anyway, yes, so far i’ve been coping with the no contact rule i set myself to. funny enough, contact came not from me. and guess what do i do? legs go all jelly on me and thus im rendered weak to return contact.

ending? zilch.
left in a lurch yet again.
bravo! *claps*
why does anyone bother?! UGH!

HYPOCRITE!

who am i to judge their relationship? when i myself went through the same thing? im sorry i cant be more supportive, i know its unfair. it hurts to see others be so supportive of you two, and all i can do is look away. im sorry, as much as i want to be supportive, i can’t. not in this country at least. and definitely not when our friendship is the one put on the line. maybe im selfish, i think i am. but i treasure our friendship too much to let a guy get in the way. Hah! for all you know, by putting our friendship first, it would be the death of it. sigh. i know you seek our support, which girl wouldn’t want to share stories of a relationship to another girlfriend? it sucks to be in this position, i hope you understand. gosh, would someone please help me? what am i to do? =( cause this is really tearing me down.

who am i to judge their relationship? just because things didnt work out for me and i have my own darn commitment issues, i have no right barging into theirs. yes, i worry that you might be going too fast. but im so happy to see you happy. as much as im happy for you two, im also missing my girlfriend! i feel like we don’t talk as much as we used to, but then again, you’ve found someone new. i don’t blame you. well, just know that i’ll always be here for you. im crossing my fingers and hoping that this time it works out. no more overwhelming drama for you okay?

i feel so horrible, i really really do. a hypocrite through and through. all the things i worry about others that they won’t do, i do it to myself. countless times i’ve told girls watch yourself, im never watching me. countless times i’ve told others quit your addictions, im still hooked on mine. now i know the words of my parents, too stubborn to take it in. after all, who wants to admit their mistakes? im too far gone. sigh, well, heck, i don’t even take my own advice, what makes me think anyone else would? so what if i’ve been through it, the rest of the world is not me. let them learn from their own mistakes. sigh. unfortunately, what i’ve learnt is, learning from one’s own mistakes is often to late to do anything about it. well, i guess thats what life is.

maybe this is why im so hard on myself. maybe this is why i don’t find joy in living life. killing myself is definitely not an option. even if i had the guts to, id be stupid to do so. if there’s one thing i both admire and truly hate about myself, is the fact that i don’t let go easily and i keep harboring the tiny teensy flicker or glimmer of hope within me that maybe something, even if its small, would change and make life worth the living. (i tell you, this trait of mine will be the death of me la!) sigh. but day by day, every dream of mine seems to be spiraling down the drain. oh wait, they were silly dreams to start with anyway. im a nobody.

after all, humans, at least to me, are stubborn and selfish. no matter what others say, nothing else matters except their own. compliments are greeted by disbeliefs and brushoffs. i am my own person. i am my own hypocrisy. sigh. i really am disappointed in myself.

Hush, the little secret.

oh how easy it is to not show, nobody has to know.

she’s smiles to herself, indeed pleased by what her eyes delve.
there her lips speak oft, but her mind ran aloft.

this time won’t be the same, this is of a different name.
no feeling, no expecting,
no nothing, just her own little secret something.

indeed to smile all day she would, if only to keep looking she could.

who knew such simplicity could bring such pleasure?
rare moments like these are truly a treasure

she wants nothing out of this, she knows her boundaries
but who’s to know or care if she’s gonna enjoy her view?
certainly not you, you or you =)

don’t worry, this aint a bad thing, no advantage is she taking
just mere basking in the ray of cute, surely no one could refute

these are baby steps away from the old,
such excitement to see how the future enfold
once again, no worries, it ain’t anything gold
just mere cute sighting to behold

Hush, oh Hush,
you’re making me blush.

.share.

i know this is childish, i should find out the truth before jumping to conclusions. i am strong, i know i am. but there are certain things in life which can cut to the core. i may be carefree with a whole lot of things, but certain set of principles stay by me. it may seem small, it may seem insignificant, but i still believe in the notion of courtesy. the notion of “the least you could have done inspite of everything going on around you”. it sucks to not know, sucks to find things out through the grapevine of everyone else, when it should really come from the person itself. so i guess this is karma biting my sorry ass back for doing the same thing in the past. gosh, sucks to be on the receiving end eh? im sorry i kept secrets the last time. i promise you, i wont be holding anything back this time.

after all, sharing doubles the joy and halves the sorrow.

i know of a man, he is my father.

i know of a man whose smile always hid his teeth in public, but bunny grinned in secret.
i know of a man who sang like Elvis, whose acts i often shy from, but beam secretly with pride.
i know of a man whose courteous prim proper hellos and goodbyes often have people thinking he’s shy, but in truth, cracks jokes so lame and thinks he’s funny, your eyes would be rolling in your sockets.
i know of a man who’s never comfortable with hugs and kisses, but allows me to do so nonetheless.
i know of a man whose way of loving is through buying me things, especially food.
i know of a man who spent his whole day driving to several different stores and back again just to get me the perfect Furby.
i know of a man who would ask his family out to go shopping, watch movies and have daily meals together.
i know of a man who was so generous, he’d do anything for his loved ones.
i know of a man who was scared to hold his little girl in fear of crushing her.
i know of a man who expected a firstborn son, but then couldn’t stop calling his firstborn daughter “princess”.
i know of a man I'd want to walk me down the aisle.
i know of a man who would never question my sadness but attempt to cheer me up instead.
i know of a man who would actually run around in public, chasing and teasing his son.
i know of a man who is so protective of his daughter, he’d do anything for her safety.
i know of a man so proud yet worried of his son’s future, he’d do anything to offer support.
i know of a man who fixes things around the house and actually succeeds, though he leaves a whole trail of mess behind.

 i know of a man, and i take pride in this man,
for this man is my father, i would have no other
Happy Birthday Daddy!
LOVE YOU LOTS!!! =)

Nature’s orchestra

oh what an afternoon i have today, a splendid one indeed.
for nature put on a show for me, how delightfully entertaining.

the rain pours heavily outside my bedroom window, misting my very cheeks. i simply love the smell of rain, i don't know why, minus the stench of the drains of course, a dampener to the nose that one. today i smelt no stench of horrid, but refreshing perfume got on me for free.

lighting flashed across the stage of sky, brightening the dark gloomy clouds which loomed over. thunders rumbled in the distance, echoed by the sirens of a house alarm gone cuckoo. every now and then, the lighting teased the edge of my window, dancing ever so dangerously close, its thunder pounding on my eardrums, shocking me out of my wits,  but kept entertained nonetheless.

a symphony of sounds sight and senses, the orchestra continued on. from the heavy pour of the rain easing into a pitter patter softening to a drizzle then brought to life again by the roar of the thunder then the onslaught of heavy downpours.

so captivating, enthralling. i find myself swayed to the rhythm of the rain. my eyelids feel so heavy, breathing in only sweet incense, my body exhausted, to the comfort of my bed i retreat. i tell myself no, willing myself awake. nature had the show to complete, and i was meant to witness, but to no avail did my efforts go. as though nature knew its purpose, weaving it’s sleeping potion. falling deeper into slumber, the rain softened to pitter patters, growing softer by the drop. i fell asleep, silence was all i heard for the rain too stopped.

too bad i couldn’t see the myriad of colors cast upon my bedroom walls, for deep in sleep i was. nor notice its magic cascading, blessing me with dreams of peace hope love and happiness. a world away from my own.

sometimes, its best to pause and smell the roses
for God is showing His splendor
are YOU taking a moment to cherish?

friendship fail?

God knows how many friends have come and go
how many friends I’ve grown to know
makes me wonder if it was all for show
but many friends stayed and told me no
showed me what true friends are really for

from playing dolls at my neighbor’s place
and surviving the primary school friendship craze
finding my way through the high school friends maze
and even newer or old friends through the college phase
i cross my fingers and hope, I’ve finally found my place

i wasn’t the best of friend
i tried my best never to offend
their best interest I'd defend
in the moment, on me, they could depend
but often found out later, i was just a fiend

my momma always said,
always keep your secrets in the shade
but with friends, it was often too late
for with them, confidentiality pacts were made
share all secrets, hold none back then leave it all to fate

it surprises me so often when old friends make contact
was i really worth the trouble to keep things intact?
in your eyes i was long forgotten, i thought that was the fact
for in many areas of friendship i most certainly did lack
but forgiving as you are, you cut me the slack

so i beg of you today, don’t give up on me
from my experience, keeping in touch is never easy
it may take awhile, but i’ll come around surely
for friendship between you and me,
however fleeting, was definitely meant to be

so the friends i still have with me today
and the friends of yesterday
as well as the friends of come what may
no matter the distance or time of stay
we’d take forever and make it day by day

 

I love you all!
XOXO

silly ramblings of restlessness

whisper in her ear
the words she longed to hear
wipe away the rebel tear
hold her ever near
touch her skin and make it sear
banish all her inner fear
take a chance, shift the gear
tell her it ain’t love of simple mere
into her eyes why don’t you peer
but please i beg you , don’t leer
and most certainly don’t jeer
i don’t think it matters if she’s queer
i can bet right on, she’s still dear
so to her direction, why don’t you veer
could turn into a day, month or a year
so think about that over a pint of beer.

solitude.

…and i dont know why.
oh wait, im antisocial like that.
sigh.

takes one to know one

a lecturer once said in class,
the things you see in others, the labels you put on people
are things you realize and can speak of
simply because you already have it within yourself.

sounds simple and easy, aint it?
but its power is like butterfly wings
found only in the chaos theory
where a mere flap
causes a hurricane halfway across the globe

God only knows the countless judgments I've passed on others. the little ticks that people do that i get myself annoyed with. the confident people that i shun and irk myself with. For to recognize those traits within others, i see myself reflected in their actions.

and gosh, how ugly i am. truly revoltingly horrendous. i feel like  im placed within the horror of a Dorian Gray plot. my soul ugly and rotting before my very eyes. how the guilt overrides my inner being. yet the snap judgmental mind of mine evilly sneers with my whip of a tongue.

but hah! as there are always two sides to a coin, so does this. relabeling as i said, though simple, is a powerful tool. its a habit of mine to look for something to compliment on in a person. it takes awhile to tell myself, hey, if he/she can do it, so can you, just believe in yourself. all this positivity doesn't grow on you overnight, but only time would take its toll. so maybe i will practice more positivity. it wont be easy, but then again, nothing in life is. but the rewards one reaps? priceless.

a friend once told me, no one can be better than you but you. for someone else may be good at something you ain’t, but you too can be better at something that person ain’t. so find the strength within yourself and take pride, ruffle your feathers and show off like a peacock.

so look in the mirror today
stare at the person staring back at you
who do you choose to see?

Laws You Can’t Run From!

wanna know me? read this.

quite accurate!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 50% Stability |||||||||||||||| 63% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||| 30% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||| 40% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 60% Need to dominate |||||||||| 40% Romantic |||||| 30% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 60% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 60% Wealth |||||||||| 40% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 60% Individuality |||||||||| 40% Sexuality |||||||||||| 50% Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 60% Vanity |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical fitness || 10% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Paranoia |||||||||||||| 60% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63% Indie |||||||||||| 50%

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of cold lonely nights

there she lies on her back, her eyes towards the ceiling. the plastic stars glow ever so brightly tonight, as though a dozen fairies dancing floats above her very head. a mockery and taunting of how she feels, the complete and utter opposite. she turns to her side, but find the tears slipping. willing them to stop, she turns, lies again on her back. she lays still, her muffled sobs silenced, distracted by the sounds of the howling wind in the distance and pitter patter of the rain on window. now joining the fairies were shadows of dark, cast eerily against the stark of her walls. the rustling fan minding itself caresses her already sensitively cold skin.

the familiar pang now crushes her heart, as though someone as a joke, held her heart within their hands, ever so literally, squeezed, making her aware as reality hits home. she shoved thoughts of him out of her head, but being as stubborn as they were, he swam in the midst of her thoughts. bittersweet was intensified ten thousand times fold. as much as she caved, spooning to her every thought, each like a vortex, pulling her into the unknown, she never felt so alive; yet each thought singed her deep, toxic kisses on her skin untainted, seeping poison into her very veins, left her gasping, the air wasnt there.

overwhelmed, she couldnt think, thoughts within her muddled. she was on the brink of insanity. how could something so sweet and good be so wrong and bad? surely she could control it, surely she could stop it. but oh how she wanted it so, be real she voiced, be real she called out. in response, the hand reached for her neck so tender, trailing ever so gently against her goosebumped skin. mmmm, was all she could muster, her body weak with desire. she felt constricted at her throat, no words could she speak, the hand had now her heart and throat. she gasped for air, she begged, she kicked and screamed but to no avail, silence was all she heard. the image of him fading, she reached out to him as he to her, but fingers werent reaching, too far was he from her.

she woke up sat straight choking, drenched in sweat so cold. her heart was pounding, pulse pulsating, gasped her way for air. she squinted against her surroundings, found the fairies glow so soft and hiding and them eerie shadows werent so demeaning. but of her heart, the pang still stung, her hands were phantom, of his they were missing. her arms still shivered, she laid back down and went back to bed, to clouds of pink and memories of old, when times were good and he was sweet. yes, fantasy though hurt, reality was far worse.

goodnight.

Jason Walker <3

i normally dont post up lyrics on this blog, i usually post them on my Review Blog, but this particular song just had to be posted.

More Alone – Jason Walker

It's just another day
I'm a little scared
Don't want to walk away
Completely unprepared
I wonder what it's like
I wonder how it feels
To see the other side
To see it all so real

It seems like I've been here so long
I don't know how I'll ever leave
I can't imagine moving on
And giving up everything
Just to be more alone

I'd believe a lie
It's all I really need
To get me through the night
It's all the same to me
I don't need your closure
I don't need your plan
Don't tell me that it's over
Just tell me there's a chance

It seems like I've been here so long
I don't know how I'll ever leave
I can't imagine moving on
And giving up everything
Just to be more alone

More alone
I don't want to be
More alone
I don't want to be

It seems like I've been here so long
I don't know how I'll ever leave
I can't imagine moving on
And giving up everything
Just to be more alone
Just to be
More alone
More alone
Just to be
More alone

i dont know how to move on.

My GMH story

my dad went to USJ yesterday for breakfast with my brother.

USJ sells yummy egg tarts. USJ is a distance from my place.

when i asked my dad why didnt he buy me some,
he said i didnt ask for it.

today, i found a box of 6 yummy egg tarts on the table. all for me.

His love GMH.

yes, my dad is sweet like that. =)
<3 him!

abnormal much?

mood swings like BPD,
personalities like DID.
attention like ADD,
all of which from PTSD.

yes, im disordered.

Don’t Fall In Love!

 

i f***ing have.sigh.

Sandy Mandy

I got chills, they’re multiplying
and im losing control
cause the power you’re supplying
its electrifying

you’re the one that i want

be my Danny Zuko
Id be the Sandy
if you want me to be.