HYPOCRITE!

who am i to judge their relationship? when i myself went through the same thing? im sorry i cant be more supportive, i know its unfair. it hurts to see others be so supportive of you two, and all i can do is look away. im sorry, as much as i want to be supportive, i can’t. not in this country at least. and definitely not when our friendship is the one put on the line. maybe im selfish, i think i am. but i treasure our friendship too much to let a guy get in the way. Hah! for all you know, by putting our friendship first, it would be the death of it. sigh. i know you seek our support, which girl wouldn’t want to share stories of a relationship to another girlfriend? it sucks to be in this position, i hope you understand. gosh, would someone please help me? what am i to do? =( cause this is really tearing me down.

who am i to judge their relationship? just because things didnt work out for me and i have my own darn commitment issues, i have no right barging into theirs. yes, i worry that you might be going too fast. but im so happy to see you happy. as much as im happy for you two, im also missing my girlfriend! i feel like we don’t talk as much as we used to, but then again, you’ve found someone new. i don’t blame you. well, just know that i’ll always be here for you. im crossing my fingers and hoping that this time it works out. no more overwhelming drama for you okay?

i feel so horrible, i really really do. a hypocrite through and through. all the things i worry about others that they won’t do, i do it to myself. countless times i’ve told girls watch yourself, im never watching me. countless times i’ve told others quit your addictions, im still hooked on mine. now i know the words of my parents, too stubborn to take it in. after all, who wants to admit their mistakes? im too far gone. sigh, well, heck, i don’t even take my own advice, what makes me think anyone else would? so what if i’ve been through it, the rest of the world is not me. let them learn from their own mistakes. sigh. unfortunately, what i’ve learnt is, learning from one’s own mistakes is often to late to do anything about it. well, i guess thats what life is.

maybe this is why im so hard on myself. maybe this is why i don’t find joy in living life. killing myself is definitely not an option. even if i had the guts to, id be stupid to do so. if there’s one thing i both admire and truly hate about myself, is the fact that i don’t let go easily and i keep harboring the tiny teensy flicker or glimmer of hope within me that maybe something, even if its small, would change and make life worth the living. (i tell you, this trait of mine will be the death of me la!) sigh. but day by day, every dream of mine seems to be spiraling down the drain. oh wait, they were silly dreams to start with anyway. im a nobody.

after all, humans, at least to me, are stubborn and selfish. no matter what others say, nothing else matters except their own. compliments are greeted by disbeliefs and brushoffs. i am my own person. i am my own hypocrisy. sigh. i really am disappointed in myself.