mere coincidences, no more.

mere coincidences,
i told myself.
you were busy
all the times i asked you out
and you turned me down

mere coincidence
was today
when you shunned me
didn’t even offer to meet and talk
the way we used to
you were busy with another after all

mere coincidences
were all the times you didn’t reply
you probably ran out of credit
yet messaging me at the most opportune of times
when i couldn’t reply back

mere coincidences,
all of the above?
i think not.

something happened that day
i don't know what
i thought the day was great
except for the glitch at the end
but that couldn’t possibly be your reason, could it?!

maybe i gave you a wrong impression
for that i understand
but for you to avoid me without reason?
hurts worse than being stood up

and even after all this,
I'm still hoping
these were all
mere coincidences.

Over-imagination

i over analyze and over think
just about and almost everything
a small simple situation
would be pulled out of its context
and twisted so badly
that it would be blown totally out of proportion

this is why i cant watch horror shows
I'll somehow make it come true for me
scare myself silly
with all the shadows at the corner of my eye

this is why i cant get close to someone
without getting clingy
I'll somehow screw the friendship up
by bringing in or including other unnecessary elements

this is why I'm sometimes too harsh on myself
cause I'd find fault with every nook and corner of my personality
until I'm disfigured into a completely different person
one whom i cant recognize at all

this is why i shut up most times
cause I'm afraid of what i might say
for, once done, cant be reversed

this is how i dissuade myself from getting what i want
by giving every reason possible about why i don't deserve it
or why i don't need it, or why it doesnt suit me,
and even why its SO not for me, as I'm way outta its league

maybe this is a good thing,
maybe its not
i dont know
one thing i do know is- its just me!

 

-why did i fall for you?
when i know it won’t come true?-

looking in from the outside of my circle of friends

Samantha from ANTM Cycle 8 said (something along the lines of)

in a house full of people,
I’ve never felt lonelier than now.

i know exactly how she feels! Seriously!

I've got quite a number of friends
with quite a range too
the close ones whom i really trust
some who are too close for comfort
others who are drifting further apart
and those whom I'd like to get closer to but can’t or don’t
some I'm just getting to know

yet i feel so alone.
i feel like i can’t connect to anyone.
its like there’s a thick hard shell around me
preventing me from doing so

i feel so clingy if i dare ask for a very close friend confidante.
those i trusted myself with
have either drifted away or lost contact completely.

i feel so troublesome if i dare wish for a shoulder to lean on.
those i pour out to, have troubles of their own
and I'm sure their ears are bleeding from hearing me so much already.

those i depended on before
have disappointed me so many times
that I'd give up after awhile

some i really want to keep in touch with
but don’t get around to it
i end up being too embarrassed to call myself a friend

most times, i just put up a front
let things pass me by
develop the thickest skin in history
with the most emotionless expressionless depiction ever
just so i won’t get hurt again
cause i get too close
only to have things drift apart

maybe that's why i find myself attracted to the rebellious crowd
i dare not join them but i think I'd fit in there
no emotions, no expectations, no close relationships
just a downward spiral of self-destruction

its what I'm good at after all.
can i just tell myself to f*** off?!
that's the only thing that sounds appropriate right now

my different love personas

if i were to analyze and dissect myself
just to find out how is it i treat my partners
one would get a big huge contradiction!

(the following are just my opinions,
diss me if you’d like, i really don’t care)

Ms.Nurse
I'm strongly attracted to those in need (not trying to make anyone sounds bad here, i mean it in a good way). I'm one who just loves taking care of people. proof: i can’t take it if someone says he/she is hungry but refuses to eat (for goodness knows what silly reason too. btw, diet excuses do not work on me!), I'd feel the need to make sure the person eats a little something, at least. downside: one might feel I'm overly motherly

Ms. Hopeless Romantic
yes, I'm a hopeless romantic who still wishes for a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. i don’t care much for material things. I'd rather have my partner’s time. instead of a store-bought gift, I'd appreciate a homemade one better, even if it doesn’t turn out alright, the thought that my partner put effort into it is priceless! =) proof: a page of doodles can light me up for the rest of the day Downside: one might take this for granted and NEVER get me a store bought gift at all =( =P

Ms. Independent
as much as i love chivalry and the little sweet gestures of politeness (that seems dead in the world today =( ), i still stand by my own independence. I’d rather not my partner consider me weak and frail, yes, i love the pampering, but thinking I'm incapable of doing things on my own is a huge no-no. proof: I'm can’t tolerate it if a guy holds his girlfriend’s handbag (I'd diss the girlfriend instead for letting such a thing happen!) Downside: One might find this persona too strong

Ms.Lazy Afternoons
I'm a sucker for lazy afternoons. i love the idea of lying in each other’s arms on a rainy afternoon, talking and laughing about anything and everything under the sun while sneaking kisses in between. just to hug and lay still in that moment without it leading to anything further is pure bliss =) massages are a great thing too. my point is: could it truly be possible to just enjoy each other’s company without wanting to get into each other’s pants =( Downside: Chances don’t come often

Ms. Insecure
i love getting close to people, don’t get me wrong. but once i start getting too close, i notice myself pulling farther away. doubts start running through my mind, guilt starts gnawing at me, my old habits kick back in. this is the suckiest persona i have. because of this persona, i usually luck out in love. proof: i feel like I'm never good enough for my partner, that my partner can do so much better than me. or I'd subconsciously do something to threaten the relationship. Downside: one might not be able to tolerate and constantly comfort me

Ms.Pushover
anything my partner wants me to do, I'd usually give in (unless its something I’m firmly against). if a fight ensues, I’d probably walk away to cool off then come back and try to resolve things. proof: If my partner wants company for an event or anything like that, though I’d hate to go, I’d most probably go. Downside: Conflicting opinions might give way to bigger arguments and one might take advantage of me this way =(

Ms.Protective
I tend to get clingy in unfamiliar territories, but once i get the hang of things, i can break away and mingle. If i catch anyone eying my partner, I’d stay back and watch the situation first. If the person is merely admiring my partner, then I’m cool with it. If the person moves in to flirt, rest assure that I’d nonchalantly linger my hand around my partner’s waist just to get a certain message across. But I’d still keep my cool anyway and probably talk myself out of that possessiveness =P saying that no matter what happens, my partner loves me and is with me, not with the snitch. proof: I’d first discuss with my partner about what my partner finds okay or not. Downside: I might either come off as too laid-back or too clingy.

so, with all these that I’ve noticed about myself,
I now understand
why I’m not in a relationship.
LOL. (sigh)

would i ever find someone who can put up with my s***?

Trichotillomania

(trik-o-til-o-MAY-ne-uh)

came across this term in my Abnormal Psychology textbook
am utterly shocked,
there really is a disorder I’m suffering from =(

• irresistible urge to pull out hair from your scalp, or other areas of your body.
• a.k.a. hair-pulling disorder, trich or pulling
• Reasoning: bothered by hair that's a particular texture or color and ends up playing with pulled-out hair after.
• Sometimes aware, sometimes unconsciously.
• usually when in stressful or idle mood

this really is not something Im proud of
its something that really affects me without realisation
(at least most times..hehe)
and it really is quite embarassing..sigh

note to self: must stop pulling hair out! =P

Ask, and you shall receive

This year’s Holy Week has been a terrible one for me. i was not holy at all. =( i didn’t do any sacrifice. I initially intended my sacrifice to be confession as i didn’t go for 3years (for personal reasons). Yet even that i couldn’t bring myself to do. i didn’t maintain proper behavior at all, in fact, i was worse off than normal times.

im really disappointed at myself. i feel so humiliated.i feel so fucked up.

in fact, on Holy Saturday, when i was alone at home, i was crying my eyes out in the afternoon. telling God that i was so worthless for leading such a sinful life. that surely, He had given up on me cause I’ve fallen one too many times to be picked up again by him. i tried so many times to let go of my past, so many times, just as i thought i was finally free from its grasp on me, i feel myself choking beneath its hold again.

yet something in me that afternoon told me, just try once more. try to ask Him for a sign, anything at all. i felt so desolate and out of hope that i was begging God if only i had someone at that moment to hug me and comfort me and reassure me that i was not as worthless as i thought i was. That no matter what, there was still hope for me and with much encouragement, i could pull through.

i stopped crying after that cause mum came back, and so i tried to push what happened as far back in my mind as possible.

mum and i had afternoon tea together, and soon began to talk about past memories and all. Mum told me excitedly about her recently purchased Fr. John Corapi talks.

This is where the miracle began. And the proof that God works in the most mysterious of ways, especially when you least expect it.

Mum started telling me about Fr. John Corapi and mentioned a few of his talks. about how he once led the rich and famous lifestyle with all its glamour of sex drugs and fast easy cash. he was at his peak in life with all the material riches in the world when he crashed to the pit of rock bottom and was left with absolutely nothing at all. the he started turning back to God and how his life changed tremendously after that. how he changed from being a person who doesn’t talk much to a person whose talks give hope to millions of people who had lost hope.

i suddenly broke down in realization. If Fr. John with all his sinful ways in his early life could turn an entirely new leaf to become one of the most inspirational priests out there, I could have hope too.

And this was my sign. I asked God for someone to hug me, comfort me and reassure me that i wasn’t a hopeless case. God didn’t do what i asked, but instead gave me what i actually needed. It was as though God was smirkingly telling me that if He didn’t give up on Fr.John, who was SO much worse than me, why was i silly enough to believe or think that He would give up on me.

 

Thus, with that,
I THANK THE LORD!!! PRAISE GOD!!!

Quick very delayed updates…

I thought we couldn’t make it,
but it surprised me as much as it surprised you all,
my 202 group made it thru poster presentation
which meant extra marks =)
but poster defense on colloquium day =(
it was a proud moment la! hehe

i finally finished ALL my assignments!
so its a huge sigh of relief =)
but,. finals are on next week =(
so no time to relax..sigh

my heart still beats for that one person
who totally does not feel the same way
but treats me utterly meltingly nice
am trying my best to forget feeling
but am struggling =(

im seriously lacking in so many important areas
like, religion,
dang! i didnt even do my lenten sacrifice =(
and i keep falling asleep in mass,
its not even funny anymore =(
i really need to buck up!
a good sunday school teacher must be exemplary!
(thats the worst part-im not!)

and areas like, exercise!
sheesh, i used to be so semangat
going brisk walking or playing badminton
now i seem to either lack the time
or am just too plain lazy =(

am thinking of revamping this blog,
am still working on the idea
will probably only start constructions
after finals is over…
am excited about it =)

on a final note,
here are some macro shots i messed with
a few days back:

sleep deprived

omgosh..this week has been the craziest week for my sleep
i have no idea how you people do it la!

how can you people sleep so late in the wee morning?
and wake up in a few hours for college or work?
especially those who go clubbing and drink
how do you cope with the hangover??

i slept at 4am/5am for only the past two days
and i crashed- big time!

heavy terrible eye bags showing
making me look like a panda..
maybe i should change my name to Pamanda the panda? =P

my nose has took off on a sprint
refusing to stop running
not even for a Vitamin C break

i have become an undead
a living walking zombie
with an expressionless pale face

i did not drink
yet i feel so nauseous as though i did
terrible headaches pounding my brains
like a seriously bad case of hangover

im going to knock off and catch up on my sleep now =P
toodles!

-i wish i were lying in your arms again
like i did that first night
just to fall asleep to beating of your heart-