Ask, and you shall receive

This year’s Holy Week has been a terrible one for me. i was not holy at all. =( i didn’t do any sacrifice. I initially intended my sacrifice to be confession as i didn’t go for 3years (for personal reasons). Yet even that i couldn’t bring myself to do. i didn’t maintain proper behavior at all, in fact, i was worse off than normal times.

im really disappointed at myself. i feel so humiliated.i feel so fucked up.

in fact, on Holy Saturday, when i was alone at home, i was crying my eyes out in the afternoon. telling God that i was so worthless for leading such a sinful life. that surely, He had given up on me cause I’ve fallen one too many times to be picked up again by him. i tried so many times to let go of my past, so many times, just as i thought i was finally free from its grasp on me, i feel myself choking beneath its hold again.

yet something in me that afternoon told me, just try once more. try to ask Him for a sign, anything at all. i felt so desolate and out of hope that i was begging God if only i had someone at that moment to hug me and comfort me and reassure me that i was not as worthless as i thought i was. That no matter what, there was still hope for me and with much encouragement, i could pull through.

i stopped crying after that cause mum came back, and so i tried to push what happened as far back in my mind as possible.

mum and i had afternoon tea together, and soon began to talk about past memories and all. Mum told me excitedly about her recently purchased Fr. John Corapi talks.

This is where the miracle began. And the proof that God works in the most mysterious of ways, especially when you least expect it.

Mum started telling me about Fr. John Corapi and mentioned a few of his talks. about how he once led the rich and famous lifestyle with all its glamour of sex drugs and fast easy cash. he was at his peak in life with all the material riches in the world when he crashed to the pit of rock bottom and was left with absolutely nothing at all. the he started turning back to God and how his life changed tremendously after that. how he changed from being a person who doesn’t talk much to a person whose talks give hope to millions of people who had lost hope.

i suddenly broke down in realization. If Fr. John with all his sinful ways in his early life could turn an entirely new leaf to become one of the most inspirational priests out there, I could have hope too.

And this was my sign. I asked God for someone to hug me, comfort me and reassure me that i wasn’t a hopeless case. God didn’t do what i asked, but instead gave me what i actually needed. It was as though God was smirkingly telling me that if He didn’t give up on Fr.John, who was SO much worse than me, why was i silly enough to believe or think that He would give up on me.

 

Thus, with that,
I THANK THE LORD!!! PRAISE GOD!!!