looking in from the outside of my circle of friends

Samantha from ANTM Cycle 8 said (something along the lines of)

in a house full of people,
I’ve never felt lonelier than now.

i know exactly how she feels! Seriously!

I've got quite a number of friends
with quite a range too
the close ones whom i really trust
some who are too close for comfort
others who are drifting further apart
and those whom I'd like to get closer to but can’t or don’t
some I'm just getting to know

yet i feel so alone.
i feel like i can’t connect to anyone.
its like there’s a thick hard shell around me
preventing me from doing so

i feel so clingy if i dare ask for a very close friend confidante.
those i trusted myself with
have either drifted away or lost contact completely.

i feel so troublesome if i dare wish for a shoulder to lean on.
those i pour out to, have troubles of their own
and I'm sure their ears are bleeding from hearing me so much already.

those i depended on before
have disappointed me so many times
that I'd give up after awhile

some i really want to keep in touch with
but don’t get around to it
i end up being too embarrassed to call myself a friend

most times, i just put up a front
let things pass me by
develop the thickest skin in history
with the most emotionless expressionless depiction ever
just so i won’t get hurt again
cause i get too close
only to have things drift apart

maybe that's why i find myself attracted to the rebellious crowd
i dare not join them but i think I'd fit in there
no emotions, no expectations, no close relationships
just a downward spiral of self-destruction

its what I'm good at after all.
can i just tell myself to f*** off?!
that's the only thing that sounds appropriate right now