Friday, January 28, 2011

6 months

I try to be strong. I tell myself I will be okay. I say I will get through it the best way I can. I deny the future, I try my best to live in the present. But everyday its getting harder, everyday the end looms near. I try to focus on how I spent my day, lucky that I could even get one day. But with each passing day, I lose one more day before its all over. Its hard to be excited over the future, when I know I'd be on the losing end. Its not about who wins or who loses, but its just sad that it could've been something great but I guess it was all in my head. I wish I would've been the source of excitement joy and future possibilities, but I guess not. Its been six months of bittersweet and I'm falling even harder and deeper each day. I can only hope and pray for a miracle, a change of heart by the time the end comes. Or else I pray and hope so badly that God gives me the courage and the strength to pull through this and rise above it if it all falls apart.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Realization checklist...?

Sigh, two weeks of absence and distance yet again. Can I survive? Will I have imy pangs? Or would I sustain and move on? Let these two weeks be a time to strengthen myself.

Did you notice the sadness in her eyes?
Did you try to make her laugh again?
Did you taste the saline on her cheeks?
Did you kiss away her rolling tears?
Did you take note of the way she kissed?
Did you kiss her truly?
Did you sense the clenching of her fists?
Did you try to slip your hands through hers?
Did you realize her holding back her tears?
Did you pull her in a hug?
Did you hear the drumming of her pulse?
Did you calm the racing pace?
Did you feel the pangs within her heart?
Did you comfort her with silence?
Did you know how hurtful your words were?
Did you mean the things you said?
Did you sit down to listen to her?
Did you give her your undivided attention?
Did you take the time to love her?
Did you appreciate and cherish her?

Need.
Will survive.
More resilient.

Always be the bigger better person in life,
Even if it means sacrificing yourself
For the greater good
By simple ignorance and walkaways.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Thursday, January 20, 2011

PMS

I need to get a grip on my life
Not let anything else decide
I need to put the effort and strive
Nor for anyone else but myself fight

The onset of PMS is such a bitch
Turning me into an emotional wreck
Stirring things up like the wicked witch
Flick me away as though I'm just a speck

Gain control dear darling
Don't go down the dark spiral
Keep yourself from falling
Away from the contagious viral

I'll be better I know of it
As of now I'm just so exhausted
The pieces of my life don't seem to fit
Goodnight now I'm busted

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bothered

Smile they do, these lips of mine
The answer to every question, I'm fine
Try they do, not to be a straight line
For in secret, another lips to pine

These sparkle, my eyes of black
Or so empty and hollow, you don't see jack
The tears to spill, I'm holding them back
But sometimes I lose, they slip through the crack

Fragile yet strong, these fingertips
Every touch, a pain that rips
For in another, longing to slip
Hold on tight with a firm grip

Don't you see?
Way past the exterior me?
I'm hiding the pain
Trying to keep sane
Feel so much
Too much
Its starting to numb
Let's just hope I'm considered dumb
Just so you know about my intentions
I'm unwavering in my affections
Mere action reaction to your game
But underlying, everything is the same
I know the silence annoys
I'm tired too of all the decoys
Love still as strong
But of you, I could be wrong


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Alcoholic much?

Alcohol. As much as I love my spirits, I don't fancy the effects much. Just so you know, this girl favors Gin Tonic, Absolut Vodka, beer and Baileys. She's not much for whiskey, rum or brandy. Have yet to try champagne, indulge me anyone? =)

Alcohol loosens you up, it helps go easy on the guard or wall you put up. It may even make you daring enough to do things you'd never be able to bring yourself to do when you're sober. If you're shy and inhibited, it'll turn you into the friendliest person around to chat mingle and mix with, with the flirting extras added in too. It'll make you high in spirits so much so that you'd be preaching in the Spirit. It'll help you dance like you've never danced in your life before. It'll help you feel good about yourself for once, because if you ever mess up, you could always blame it on the spirits. It'll even help you sing with the throaty Leonard Cohen or Mick Jagger style voice (sexy no? =P)

Alcohol helps you disconnect from reality. It helps you forget your worries. It helps you giggle and laugh more. It may even help you go sleep faster; That way, you won't have to feel anything. Alcohol makes the world fun and more vivid and more alive. It makes the world spin and the loud blaring music course through your very veins. Talking and words won't matter, thus thinking or overthinking would be out of the picture too. Sensation would be all that matters.

However, alcohol also drowns you. If you're feeling depressed or shitty at that point of time, it will take whatever you're mulling over and double triple gazillion the effects. It will eat you alive. It will make you forget yourself, do things you'd never ever do, sober or otherwise. It will help you churn out (not churn up) your food, zombie projectile style. It will somehow invite and allow unwanted attention. It will tear out your emotions and make you cry bucket loads of tears or scream your lungs out or even lunge out at others. It will make you abusive. It will make your hormones rage out of control. It will make you say things you wished you never did. It will make you tell the truth (most times).

So my point in saying this, I love and enjoy my drinks, I do, but I just got to know when where and with whom to go overboard with. In fact, I cannot drink alone, I'd feel odd. If I do intend to drink myself silly and let loose, I would always make sure I have someone who will take care of me and make sure I'm sobered up or safe enough to hit the bed.

Thus, this is me signing off after a long stint of no alcohol, now with two beers in me. I am now sleepy, cranky and groggy.

Goodnight.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Freedom in Graduation

I can sense it in the air
I can smell it at the tip of my nose
Feel it brush up against my skin
Hear it's voice beckoning to me
The tingle in my toes
The giggle bubbling in my throat
The restless fingers tapping away

What the heck am I talking about?
F-R-E-E-D-O-M!
I've finally completed my degree!
I am done (for now) with college life.
No more studying
No more poring over numerous facts
No more research
Just done done done!

WooHoo!
I swear Jesus was with me the entire time
He made sure I failed none of my papers
And made sure I was at least middle class honor
Thank You Lord!
For I can do all things trusting in You

"What's next?" you ask?
Working life.
Yes, I heard, not much to look forward to
But I'm just glad I'm done with studies for now
I start working next month
Pursuing a passion for average pay
But the environment seems nice
I might just like it there
(I'm hoping I will)

So yes, I am now known as a graduate
(Technically not until after graduation in April)
What I don't understand
Why is everyone more hyped about it than me?
Is it really a BIG HUGE deal to graduate?
Am I missing a bigger picture here? =S
(Someone explain to me please...?)

But anyway, I'm happy! =)
Wish me luck in my future undertakings eh?
Masters will be later years down the road
Majoring in what exactly? I don't know
Honestly, I ain't even going to think about it yet

Freedom baybeh! Oh yeah!

PS: HINT to Parents *coughSaboCharmcough*

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Monday, January 10, 2011

Lovesick Puppy Rant

Bittersweet is the perfect description
You Me and the whole complication
You could fool me with your so-called distraction
Your body language tells a different reaction
Seemingly, but I'm sure it ain't all about the action
You and me go way beyond mere mutual attraction
Deny it all you want, but we share a deep connection
Past and future uncertainty puts the stop in motion
Countless endless inconclusive discussion
We sure mean something with so much conversation
You and me would make a wonderful equation
Can't you put off your darned decision?
Leave it to faith with no particular reason
I'd miss you every day of every season
I hope you know you give me the greatest elation
And have the power to cause my heart grave devastation
Yet I hang on hope and pray for your heart's conversion
Of who I used to be, forgive, let go, pay no attention
Of who I can be for you, cherish with all determination
I am certain and believe in this so-called infatuation
This could be so much more, a serious relation
Give me a chance to ride with you through this tribulation
For in the end, I'm hoping for celebration
A worthy cause for jubilation
In something so meaningful far off your wildest imagination
Together so strong, we can make this a realization
Just so you know, I love you my bittersweet sensation.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Friday, January 7, 2011

They say one can die of a broken heart. I wonder how that feels like. The tightening feeling of constriction of the heartbeat beneath your rib cage? The throbbing of your temples that seem to ripple and pulsate more intensely as it courses through your mind? The emptiness you feel within your soul? The heavy weight upon your limbs? So heavy that you feel so weak and unable to move? The never ending burning tears that make your eyes hurt once you stop? The plastic smile upon your lips on the outside when everything is crashing down and falling apart within you? The steel pretentious act you hold up, while ever so vulnerable inside? The utter complete devoid of any chance of any or slightest glimmer of hope or joy or peace? The unsettling restlessness within you? The gloom and the dread that consumes you? The inability to get out of bed? The avoidance of any other contact? The every word of another, stabbing you poking and prodding you slicing and dicing your very heart alive? The very temptation to run away hide and shun? The incessant self-battery? The worthlessness? The doubts and confusion? The everything, and yet I'm still alive. Sigh.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Today's horoscope

You will feel a little off color. Probably not enough to have you spend the day in bed but enough to wish you could shake off this wretched feeling.

How so very true. Sigh.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Ka-Boom!

Reckless and insecure
Rebel of not so pure
Nonsense you can't endure
Personality so demure
Eyes of deep that seem to lure
Certainly no immature

Round and round in circles we go
Trying our best to go with the flow
Things are fast yet things are slow
Process forever, results no show
Direction in which nobody know
Hanging onto the faintest glow

Feelings so strong feelings so true
Those of happy confused and blue
Everything falls apart right in front of you
Everything of the old nothing of the new
So cold so heartless what a wreck what a shrew
Chivalry is dead, not even one, not even a few

Push and pull is all that's done
Stand outside in the shining sun
Weight on the shoulders weigh a ton
Get rid of it until there's none
To the temple hold the gun
Pull the trigger to enjoy the fun

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Welcome 2011!

The new beginning of a new year
Am I even ready for what's to come?
Don't be silly girl! Have no fear!
Just take little steps, one at a time

The good or the bad
No one really knows
To be happy or sad
Life has it's own highs and lows

Positivity is the road I'm trying
Optimistic self-courage is what I take
Hope I'd be strong enough to not be left crying
My own happiness is what I make

On this day of a brand new year
I thank the Lord for all my beloveds
Family and friends from far and near
Relationships of new I've since discovered

It is today I miss the dearly departed
Surely whom watch us from above
Death will never keep us separated
Forever in our hearts we cherish you with love

Despite me trying not to mention
You by far are too special to me
Always on my mind catching my attention
I love you too much, I hope we're meant to be

For the year of 2011, this I pray
The Lord guides watches and protects us all
Keep us from harm, sin and temptation if He may
To forgive us and lift us up each time we fall

Here's cheers to the New Year of 2011!

Happy New Year everyone!

XOXO, Mandy.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone