live in the moment like it was your last

i missed the days i used to smile and laugh
the times when i genuinely wanted to
when i really felt like it
and not just for the sake of it
not the fake plaster on my face

i missed the days i used to be worry free
when i couldn’t care less about everything around me
when i didn’t overanalyze things
when everything seemed happy and joyous

i missed the days and moments i used to savor
when i could actually enjoy the company of my friends
when i spent quality time with my family
when i could see the silver lining in everything
now everything just seems to rush by
i don’t seem to have the time to smell the roses

so hey girl!
I MISS YOU!
snap out of it, won’t you??
take a breather and relax
savor each and every moment like it was your last

at times like this
i wish i told my parents i loved them more
i wish i spent more time with my brother
i wish i treated my friends better
i wish i cherished life more.

time passes in great company

a surprise out of nowhere
had elicited a huge grin
only to be sulking after
because it couldn't come true
then hope arisen
it actually came true
and there it happened
time seemed to stand still
all the cares in the world forgotten
with much words
of completion and complementation
joy and laughter were abundant
even silence seemed wonderful
unknowingly few hours had passed
then worry set in
though assurance were plenty
it ended too soon
but perfect nonetheless

though you don’t know it
thanks for making my day =)

numb

too many thoughts running through my mind
too many emotions engulfing me
i wish i could just run away
to a secluded place
just to scream my lungs out
to vent out my anger and frustrations
just to cry my heart out
so my sadness and sorrow may be washed away
to scrape my fist against every texture out there
just to bleed my pain out
to stare into space
just to get lost from reality
to run around
just to get my craziness out
to laugh aloud
just to feel what's it like again
to just get lost from everything, everyone
a better safer alternative to suicide

i’ve screamed to the point where i lost my voice
i’ve cried to the point of swollen eyes
i’ve punched to the point of a bloody mess
i’ve felt it all to the point I'm numb

just take me away…

speechless

i wish i meant more to you =(

state of false alarm

i guess my previous post was quite too much
i worried a few people
a few people actually called me up to check up on me
asking me if i was alright
what had happened
said tat they’ve never seen me so aggressive before
questioning if it was really me

i don’t blame them
i daresay im not one for anger
i don’t resort to aggression unless its totally called for
nor do i stay angry too long
i usually just let the matter pass
or try and find a compromising angle
or even just let go

im more the live in the moment
then forget all about it kind of person
i may be angry at you one moment
then be totally cool about it the next

so, i apologize
for sounding so harsh
and for seeming so aggressive
i assure you its usually not in my nature
i just had a rough time that time

so yea,
chillex people!

thanks for your concern people =)
it truly meant alot to me!
sorry for worrying you all…

toodles!

am in much much better mood now =)

ex-friends

i don’t even know where to begin
im fuming mad!

gosh! screw & fuck you all la!
how do you even have the heart to do something like this?!
how can you even bring yourself to do something like this?!

you know something?
thanks for opening up my stupid silly blinded eyes!
how stupid i was to be so desperate for your company
thinking id actually enjoy it
how i even called you “friend”

i used to make excuses for your behaviors
putting up with all your bullshit
casting them aside for the sake of friendship
id come back every SINGLE time!
thinking id be the better person
don’t give up on friends so easily!

i thank God that im not like you!
for all the complaining and bitching you do about another
you are SO MUCH more worse!!
they may have attitude problems
they may be cocky
they may be lame
but they sure know how to treat their friends right
and they know how to respect others
and they know they very basic concept of give and take
how you just have to suck it up every once in awhile
how you’re not the only FUcking one there
and how first impressions are bullshit!
ALL the things of which YOU DON’T HAVE!

you need to learn some lessons:

1. learn to LIE PROPERLY! gosh! seriously! you want to do what you always do, you fucking need to learn how to improve those sucky pathetic attempts you call “lying”
2. learn to multi-check your alibi and excuses! you would look so fucking miserable if another person contradicts what you said or did and only to expose you for the FAKE you are!
3. just STOP the pathetic ACTS already!  gosh! stop acting all chummy with me, don’t even bother contacting me! and don’t worry, i’ve learnt my lesson, i won’t bother you anymore either.
4. why even bother explaining yourself after the deed is done? its already done, isn’t it? so just shut up already! gosh, if you didn’t want me to know it before, why even bother telling me after?! to brag? if so, i say you’re seriously lame!

i may be stupid for being so desperate
i may be idiotic for being so naive and gullible and easily excited
i may be a sucker who’s willing to do anything for “friends”
i may be a total loser for being me
but at least im not an insensitive idiotic fake pathetic coward like you!
(you don’t even deserve to be called that, you’re so much lower!)

This is courtesy of our “friendship”

(image credit due to XxPANTERAxX)

this post goes out to “specially” for
you you and you
im sure you know the saying
birds of a feather flock together
i now understand why you all
are such close-knit friends!
good on you all!
keep it up!

after all,
with “friends” like you all,
who needs enemies?

alcohol runs deep

bitterness runs thru my lips
the cool trickles down my throat
numbness spreads thru my senses
fake smile plastered on
giggling to absolute nothingness
nerves feel short-circuited
mind swirling with a million colors
the life of me racing before my eyes
emotions heightened to its maximum
senses peaked to the very highest
yet totally lost to everything around

yes, that is me
the one where i let loose
just let go of reality
escape into fantasy
pretend like everything’s alright
that for once,
i can not be the screw up i am

i wish to have more
get lost deeper
lose sense of my senses
feel absolutely nothing
so i can say that i don’t know what i did wrong
don’t know what was happening
wasn’t aware of my wrongdoings

yes, i love alcohol
my comfort, my joy
the one i turn to in times of trouble

why do i keep getting myself hurt?

memories came flooding back

i used to sneak away from class just to say hi to you. run the length of the hallway just to peek at you in class, feeling comforted by the sight of you. how you used to hold me in your arms, wiping away my tears, and scolding me for being so silly. how i was your piggy, your babe, yours and only yours. how you used to be so protective over me, get jealous and upset over any guy who would try to approach me. how i pampered you  on end, making sure you get your medication when you were feeling sick, making sure you ate enough even though you felt lazy to the point of me force feeding you. how we would spend the mornings or afternoons just kissing time away. how i love to watch you sleep, watch your every breath. how we would take crazy photos of ourselves, laughing at how each would turn out. how we would tease each other. how i would get jealous in silence, though you always wondered if i was. how we would drink the night away, stealing drunken kisses soon after on the way back. how i would look forward to what you drew, i still keep those doodles so dear. how we read each other’s diary, laughing or arguing over the past. how we would play the what-if game that we love so much. how you made me feel so loved, secure, comforted, and worthy no matter how many times i insisted i was otherwise. how you would read me like an open book, knowing me better than i know myself. how you somehow knew how to comfort me. how i would get so upset over you smoking but you wouldn’t stop, you still won’t. how i would feel so contented just to hold your hand and walk proudly that you’re mine. how i would get defensive if anyone stared at you. how i would admire you and go on end about how close to perfect you are. how we learnt the true meaning of love and grew better as individuals.

times were great. we had something great. you and i were something special. though we have moved on. nothing can replace that -ever.

never a day goes by that i don’t think about you, about us, about how we used to be. never a day goes by that i don’t miss you, wishing i could turn back time, reverse it all. never a day goes by without me being eternally thankful and grateful to have had someone as special as you in my life. i will always love you, no matter what.

so thank You for touching my life the way you did.

Ampang Lookout Point

This is where i went last night =)

the view is so spectacular!
my pictures don’t do it justice
its so breathtaking, you have to see it for yourself

went with the RYM youth group
had western food –stuffed ourselves full
cracked mindboggling riddles
(amir got bang by a car, cow stampede)
camwhored like crazy

it was a fun relaxed night
i was laughing the whole night
i was actually enjoying myself
its been awhile since i felt this way =)

and it was cause of them
that made it all the more amazing!
(we missed you Chloe Chayang)

what would i do without you gurls la?!
much love to
Chloe, Karen, Shaine
you gurls are the best!!