what would you do?

i miss using the Polaroid! (the old one)
anyone know where to get the film these days?

you’re bad for me.
or am i the one bad for you?

past rehaunting

this girl is breaking down once more
she cant hold it in much longer
the tears come free these days
emotions were devoid within her
its back, she feared the worst
her suspicions yet to be confirmed
silence grew louder each day
she grew tired ever so easily
she felt no purpose
no sense and no rhyme
her heart ached ever so painfully
if only she had the guts
she needed release
writing lost its cure for her
nothing seemed worthy anymore
she hurts not only herself
but everyone around her too
she wished she felt remorse
but nothing could she feel
if only to draw blood
like how she did before
maybe then her senses would regain
she wishes to call someone
who might understand
but unfair to him would she be
if only he sensed her pain
and called her at opportune
but what he wanted
she couldnt offer
time alone she needed it the most
with others she wished not to be
but by herself in her own misery
the past long gone
but the effects carry on
this girl will never be the same
God only knows if He’d ever find her again

i think i need time away from you
even with you, im not feeling it too
maybe its a good thing
but then again, i feel nothing
so if you dont hear from me
i guess you wouldnt even care
if i sound damn harsh
i hope you take it with stride
ignore me and my words for now
i doubt you’d understand
i dont expect you to
he would im sure
but him i cant turn to
doesnt matter anyway
this girl is gone for the moment
dont know when to return again

joke gone wrong

the words that day
keeps replaying in my mind
as much as i tell myself
its not true
something in me crushed
no one noticed
but i froze on the spot
almost broke down too
thank God i managed a laugh

i try not to care
i’ve learnt not to
but every now and then
the comments break through
and sting me and shatter me too
i know what people say about me
i’ve heard the names myself
it doesnt make it fair

no one knows exactly
about what i went through
no one can say exactly
who i was and who i am today
please i beg you, next time
find out how i became this way
then only id see
if you can repeat the same comment
but i’d never tell
so i guess you’d never know

i was fucking joking
for crying out loud!
maybe you were too
but i guess that’s what no one realizes
jokes can be pretty darn hurtful.

thanks for tearing me apart that day
you may not have meant it
but boy, you sure did a darn good job
i wish you all the best 
to you and your girlfriend
she looks like a good girl
i hope you don’t ruin her

no, this time, this post aint about you
but im guessing you think the same way too
you too have “joked” about my reputation 
dont worry boy, i know i aint good enough for you.

let me let go

as much as i tell myself
im going only for God
there’s that thought
squirming at the back of my mind
im trying my best to push it behind
i find myself excited at the notion
guilty too for this silly devotion
i tell myself think not too much
i tell myself think not of such
for disappointment greets my door
as my heart sinks to the floor
i should’ve known better
God is my only matter
shown me signs aplenty
but gone is my sanity
love is all i seek
hope which makes me weak

silly girl let go
the answer is still no
why dear God, why so?
stubbornness in me runs deep
heartache and pain then seep
leaving me in a big messy heap
dear girl, plenty more
that's what they’re there for
distraction to ease the sore
silly girl let go
that one is a no show
it’ll only bring you woe
I’ll be there with you
guiding you through
fear not my child, it will subdue

God tells me let go
you’re telling me let go
why am i still not letting go? =(
DAMN la! frustrating its this hard!

retail therapy works best =)

i love this form of workout
though its not that beneficial
cause one hardly breaks a sweat
but its fun nonetheless =)

anyway, few hours of walking
with two great girlfriends
(missing the third one =( )
i’d let the pictures do the talking:

 
The models of the day

nope, we didnt get any of the stuff we tried on above 

instead we got other stuff =)

the sunlight that day was great for pictures!

picture of the day
chloe’s pride..lol

 

Awesome day indeed =)

Telawi brings back memories of you.

Carpe Diem & Viva la Vie!

looking back in my life
i realized something
i never really lived my life
nor do i know what its like to really live

i daresay i floated through school
flitting from 1 social group to the next
joining whoever who would accept me
funny sad thing is
i can hardly remember anyone now

nothing jumps at me from my memories
nothing stands out
to say “hey, i remember this!”
everything is one huge blur

the only thing i seem to remember
are what television shows i used to watch
who were my exes
not even the memories of us being together
just the label of a relationship
the cliques i used to have
the atrocious fashion sense i used to have

so hey, this is for the present
the today now and future
hopefully things would start to clarify itself
crystallizing clear with each new day
making my relationships with my loved ones
matter more, strong and last forever
making memories more vivid and gratifying
making life more substantial and meaningful

Cheers to life and everything in between!

Self-apology

Dear Me,
sorry for still putting you through it.

dear you,
sorry for continually loving you.

the adventure of mommy and me

we left the house at 6ish
to get the lrt to KLCC
as soon as we got there
we went in a dizzy maze
in search of the Convention Center
looking for a musical
we went round in circles
finally found the entrance
but only for Muslims it read
was an Islamic conference being held
where in the world was it then?!
read the damn paper again
only to find out it was at Istana Budaya
we rushed to the nearest taxi stand
it was already 7.10 by then
ticket collection is supposed to be at 7.30
the show starts at 8.30
i thought by then, gone for sure
praying ever so earnestly
but the roads were all stuck nowhere
taxi driver was patient and friendly (Thank God!)
only to have tried several different roads
the taxi driver gave up and suggested the monorail
so monorail we took at about 8.20
we reached and took a cab
exactly 8.29 we reached there on time
to have missed but just one scene
we were laughing our butts off after
at how one play took us around places
adventure indeed my mommy and me
God must’ve had His fun in teasing us around =P

all that trouble for this:
(yes, i snuck and took these pictures..hehe)

how far away we were from the stage

the cast =) 

the last scene was spectacular!
sigh. the things people do for love eh?

something blue borrowed old and new

this girl once dreamt of a wedding
of pastel shades and bridesmaids dresses
deciding what march to walk in with
how to make the moment more special
how to capture every feel of it on film
which church, which reception, which tradition

this girl grew from pastel to deep red
white gown to be tinged with red
of rose bouquets and red garter
and red bridesmaids' dresses too
and red bowties for guys to match

that dream seems so far away now
elusive to her hold
a distant memory buried
under broken hearts of new

she wants a wedding so joyful
it’ll bring tears to her eyes
a man so wonderful
she’d be pinching herself twice
she wants a marriage that lasts
sworn vows fulfilled through it all
with pitter patter of feet that follows after
she wants love to be real again
to spark the hope in her renew

HAH!
what a shame
what a pity
that dream is over now
mr.til death do us part
sounds impossible to say
kids of which she wants
adopt them then she may
this girl needs no man in her life
shoo shoo go away!

.indeed.not anymore.

yes, sour grapes speaking.

she’s lost her shine

if anyone reads this blog
they’d find it rather dulled
its flowery words no longer there
its spark gone buried under dust
the muse of which inspired from
is one whom shall not speak of
a trying time to forget
is a time where distractions aplenty
of facebook or online games
and movie or book marathons
of needle and thread
and social outings
such are the things that occupy
therefore until she finds another word
this blog shall be left bare.
(hopefully not too long)

this is my everyday

there they and i go again

there she goes again
with the annoyance on her face
just waiting to lash out at me
nitpicky about all the fine details

there he goes again
surprising me outta the blue
making me melt all over again
then play the card of ignorance after

there he goes again
slipping into his sully state
cocky and grunts in his reply
as if i meant nothing

there he goes again
smirking knowingly
the secret between us
luring me failingly

there they go again
parading themselves shamelessly
giving love a bad name
disgusting is the only description

there i go again
losing my patience once more
feeling the tinge of annoyance
wanting to disappear from it all

there they go again
with all the little nerve wrecking tics
think they play me for a fool
guess what?
this girl wont be fooled no more
nor care if this sounds downright cocky & selfish.

stupid girl strikes again.

X-stitching

so maybe im a little distracted
it certainly keeps me focused
isnt that a good thing?
something to keep me going

so i hope it gives an explanation
as to why im been missing from action
this girl has been up in cross-stitches
but frustrating herself with all the glitches

but hey, this girl’s got determination
she’s going all out with passion
armed with cloth thread and needle
cross her path if you dare meddle

love much, the girl.

happy in love

the new rules i live by =)

to all the thoughts i’ve had before
i’ll think of them all over again
of everything i’ve felt and more
i’ll feel it all just the same
to love you with a heart so sore
i’ll do it even if its lame

maybe im stubborn
maybe im weak
whatever the reason
i’d rather not listen

love is said to be
give all you have to give
expect nothing in return
so why should i bother
if to you, nothing’s the matter?

i’ll give all i have to give
and love with all my heart
even if its unrequited
and despite all you have to say
im happy just feeling this way

so hey, go find green pastures
as i found in you
and make someone else happy
as you have made me
make a girl lucky in the world today

to be in love
keeps me sane
with nothing to lose
and everything to gain
i really dont care
if my love you dont share =)

dont worry boy
this girl wont pounce
she’d keep her distance
with feelings intact
locked away at the pit of her heart

dont worry boy
this girl wont break
the reality she definitely can take
she expects nothing
she wont get hurt
just being happy
is what she wants most

finally at peace.

footnote:
this is what psychologists call cognitive dissonance resolved.
will try and explain the theory the next time.
quite interesting and quite relevant to anybody. =)

soon! much love, the girl.