unsettled

Who is she?
What does she have that one doesn't?
What makes her greater than one?
Why her?

The irony of such thoughts
Lead to unsurprising answers of
It is not what she has that one doesn't
But rather what one has that she doesn't

One should not care anymore
One doesn't care
Just taking longer than expected
Thus very frustrating

Go away you thoughts unsettling
Banish to a place unseen
Let one be as one is now
Loved ever in most precious
And most precious to love back
Now and forever always
Happier without the other
Nor of the her of the other

#29/07: Last Thing You Bought

Clothes from Esprit =)

Dream Job

Now that I have started my full-time permanent job, I cannot say I like it, nor can I say I don't like it. It is convenient and pretty relaxing for the most part, except during peak months where I have tons of reports and folders to prepare. However, i don't find it intriguing nor satisfying.

You know what I'd like to do if I could? I wish i could be a professional blogger. I am into hairstyling, nail art, crafting and teaching, so perhaps becoming a DIY educational blogger would be awesome!

I would love to be able to do tutorials and stuff. Explore new projects on a regular basis. Oh the ideas swirling in my mind! I wish I could be as interesting as the bloggers I follow online. I have all the ideas in mind about what I would like to blog about, but I just can't seem to get the words flowing out onto the screen.

Another reason why being a blogger would be awesome, I get to work from home & spend more time with Faith! Oh well, dream big, eh? Perhaps one day someday I will get to fulfill my dream & be a stay-at-home mom or a work-from-home mom like how Mummy was with us.

So three cheers for the future ahead of us!

.today.

I was alright, I was happy to see her excited. It didn't even cross my mind. Until I saw my phone with its darned reminder. Funny how you forget what you store in your phone until it flashes mockingly at you, taunting you. It didn't affect me much last year cause I had other things to think about and worry about. But this year when everything is cool & my mind is free to think of whatever it likes, its not the same. I try not to be sad, I try to look at today with a happy heart, focus on my loved one, the important one, the one who hurt me as well but never gave up on me. Who am I deceiving when my heart aches & constricts itself that I can barely breathe. I realize that it never really went away, just locked itself & buried itself deep in the corner of my being, shoved deep so I won't think about it anymore. Let bygones be bygones, move on from the past & look forward to the future. Oh the irony, that both fall on today, like yin & yang but totally out of harmony & balance. I hold tighter onto my pride despite what I'm so tempted & itching to do, so within myself are wishes unspoken & feelings unsaid. Funny how much can change within one year, harder yet to believe that its been two. Perhaps I have been erased and most definitely replaced, but one day someday soon, it won't hurt anymore when my thoughts run through, but I'd look back with a smile of gratitude and thanks for the blessings that God has granted & how He has led me through. And perhaps I won't think so often or anymore & everything will be a faded memory that I can no longer recall. But for now & for today, it still stings. happybirthdayyouwhereveryoumaybe.

PS: Forgive my rambling. A wave of reminiscence took me by surprise.

Get It Together!

Dear Mandy,

I am very disappointed in you. (Mum, if you read this, please don't say I told you so, I feel bad enough as it is). Chin up! Buck up! Start pulling yourself together! You're no longer a carefree wild teenager who can laze around doing nothing & worrying about anything anymore. You're now a mother, a working mother at that with responsibilities!

For goodness sake, get your sleep schedule right! Stop mucking it up with pathetic excuses. Stop getting distracted by useless things & start putting your time to good full use. Finish the crossstitch you started on instead of googling for more patterns. Finish the scrapbook you started on instead of buying more materials.

For once, sleep at a reasonable time & wake up early to get started on things. You don't have much time for all the things you want to do. Don't laze around anymore, relax while being on the move & doing something. You're tired, I get you, but learn to take short power winks instead of full few hours heavy dose of sleep.

Plan your damn time so you can do as much as possible with the least amount of time. For goodness sake, start pulling your weight around the house & actually make the effort to wake up to cook for your daughter. Don't be a bloody hypocrite to say you want this & you want that or you'd do this and you'd do that but end up with nothing at all. Its pathetic, unfair, selfish & totally ungrateful.

Get your act together! Put some effort in the way you present yourself. Remind yourself to stand up straight & tall, head up ready to face the world. Take time to groom the hair you've grown to love with the skills you've been blessed with. Dress to impress instead of just putting on whatever. You have plenty of makeup left lying to rot inthe cupboard, start using them!

Get unhooked, unplugged & disconnected from the world of electronics & spend more time in the real world. Get hands on, explore & have fun discovering or doing new things eveyday. Don't be a couch potato! Resist temptation & lead a simple but satisfactory lifestyle!

All in all, get your act together Mandy! You're not getting any younger nor any more successful in potential future candidates. While trying to improve yourself, may you never lose yourself.

Love,
Currently Utterly Useless Mandy

#10/07: Your Favorite Color

I would have chosen 3 colors, 

but if I had to choose only one,

it would be PURPLE =)

#09/07: Big

Messy big braid

Faith

All this while, I have kept this a secret, because I foolishly thought that I had the upper hand in doing this. I thought that in doing so, I would and could make things difficult. I thought that i wouldn't make it too easy and it would take effort to know this. Yet today, i realized that I just don't give a damn anymore. I am done hiding and it most certainly is not my loss for missing out on this. So while it stings to see the smiles and hugs, I am reminded that my pain will fade away. When the tables turn, this however will never fade away. I may miss out on relationships and hugs and dates, but this makes up for it so much more. 

I take pride and stand tall amidst the taboo/stigma when I say I am a single mother to a precious baby girl, who I gave the name Faith. She is my every prayer answered, indeed a blessing from God. I'm loving her more and more each day. She is now 9 months +.

Us at Easter

I keep a blog for her where I update on everything related to her and motherhood. I'm still contemplating if I should release it for public viewing. In the meantime, if anyone's interested, ask me nicely and i might just let you know the address =)

XOXO, Mandy

#03/07: Best Part of Today

Attended a workshop today on 'Comprehension' which turned out to be pretty fun, interesting & applicable to myself.

#01/07: Self Portrait

Because I liked my makeup that day & this picture does my hair no justice!
I really looked pretty in that moment =P
(& yes, its very rare that I praise myself so excuse me while I indulge)