Friday, March 30, 2012

Bipolar much? tsk tsk.

i feel like quite a wreck.

Earlier today, i felt happy, so happy that i could feel the sparks of happiness creep through my body and fill it with such warmth and good feeling. I was smiling to myself, grinning like a fool and i actually felt good about myself. I allowed myself to bask in that feeling for its been awhile since I felt that way, and i liked how i felt at that time.

Now I feel so lethargic and i feel like binge eating until the cows come home. I want to curl up reading my book and munch on cookies and cuddle up to someone who was sleeping. I feel like having someone to pamper me. I feel like watching a movie to relax myself.

Mandy, may I ask you something? Why the drastic change within a single day? Sigh.

Perhaps it was the awkward moment of someone trying to hit on me (or perhaps it was my assumption?=S) between those times. The lingering, the stammering, the creeping blush...I've seen it before, all too familiar to me. I felt like I was staring at myself for awhile, the awkward shy person trying to brave up and take courage. So yes, I do feel mean when I shut him up by telling him the truth. I am not accustomed to attention, moreover after what I've been through. I am not ready to jump back into the game or bandwagon or whatever you'd want to call it. I am not ready to be put up on the market again just yet because I don't think I have much of a market value. With the precious gem I am holding to myself, I am now priceless, whichever way one would choose to look at it.

Anyway, this post was really pointless, in other words, i just needed to vent. I guess bittersweet applies not to you anymore, it is me; I am the bittersweet one, thus whoever comes in contact with me or the events, things or situation surrounding me will then be bittersweet too. Such is life.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

#29/3: Feet

Precious Feet

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Neverending Braid

Something I tried in the car on the way back from work while Aaron drove =)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

#27/3: Your Name

Amanda, Latin orgin: Worthy of Love.
Am I really?

Friday, March 23, 2012

#23/3: Breakfast

my usual breakfast consists of either Milo or Instant Strawberry Oats =) or sometimes, both!

#23/03: Moon

The moon brightly shining in the sunny evening sky

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

#21/03: Delicious

The place that got me hooked on Caesar Salad -yum!

Friday, March 16, 2012

#16/3: Sunglasses

The second-hand sunglasses I got at a steal! =)
However I only wear them when I have my contacts on, because it has no power.

Lovin my hair =)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

13/3: A Sign


Warning: Wrong Spelling Detected

Friday, March 9, 2012

#09/03: Red

because i felt happy & pretty that day
(these days are rare)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Contradiction

Tonight is one of those nights that I'm sick of myself. I feel so useless & worthless because my life is one chaotic mess & I feel like I'm not making full use of my time here on Earth.

I hate it that I feel sleepy all the time even if I get "proper sufficient" rest. I hate it that I seem to fall asleep around people I love best & want to spend time with. I hate it that I can't get up early in the mornings to have "me time". I hate it that I can't seem to fall asleep at night because my mind is fighting against itself, tortured with thoughts, memories & arguments with myself. I hate sleeping & wish I could do without it or less of it.

I want to draw. I want to organize. I want to read. I want to scrapbook. I want to take photographs. I want to lie in open fields. I want to getaway. I want to laugh. I want to enjoy everything I do & do it wholeheartedly. I want to spend time with God in silence. I want to bake. I want to create. I want to decorate. I want to be happy. I want to feel useful.

I wish I could be a supergirl who took care of the family while doing house chores while having time to watch TV while making time for God while having time to curl up with a book while crafting while holding a stable job with a satisfactory salary while breathing amidst it all.

I wish I wasn't so bitter. I wish I was more organized. I wish I was more creative. I wish I was more daring. I wish I was more fashionable. I wish I was calmer. I wish I had better things to do. I wish I moved faster. I wish I didn't upset people all the time. I wish I had common sense. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was sharper. I wish I was more sensitive. I wish I was more tactful.

I just don't know who I am anymore or what I'm doing. I feel like I'm drowning or just flowing with the current without trying to stay afloat. I feel stressed, upset, wound up, constricted, and totally disorganized.

Cause all I'm hearing is, "Mandy, you ruined my life." "Amanda, you're useless." "Move faster" "Pick up after yourself" "how can you live this way?" "You're a fucking joke" "you're such a hypocrite" "you're stupid with no common sense" "don't you know anything?" " You're a horrible friend" "You're not enough". Among the many things I batter myself with or what I've taken from the things others have said.

Sigh. Honestly, I can't be bothered about what others say about me or I'm too self-centered to care about anyone else right now, I've got my own demons to deal with, I've got myself to battle with. I'm tired, just exhausted. I feel guilty that I haven't even felt the Lent spirit, sigh. What is wrong with me?!

I am not kind to myself. Mandy, love yourself, won't you please? =(

Sorry, just had to get it all out. Frustrating that I can't fall asleep at this hour.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

1 John 1:5-10

These verses are simple yet heavy.

The message I got?:

Walk the Talk! Don't just say without actually doing something about it, you're only trying to fool those around you & yourself. The all-knowing Father can see & know. For make ourselves examples of God & preach by our actions. Let us not be hypocrites, but do it for His sake.

I hope that in everything I say, think & do, I do it for His sake. I hope that I would infuse God in every aspect of my life, so much so that praying & talkimg about him is a norm for me & it'll come naturally.

Ephesians 4:25 - 5:2

How apt that I should have missed yesterday's reading & read it today instead. For today, I received troubling news, news which troubled my heart,stirred my emotions & sparked the hurt within me.

Yet once again, God tells me let it all go away from me that I should be cleansed of such turmoil. That I should not speak of others in anger or negativity no matter how I feel. And for once, I can finally say, I needed to hear that to close.

No more will I go back, but now lead a new renewed life. God has put me on this path for a reason, and for His sake, I should live it fully. Come what may my Lord, use me as your instrument. I am worthy to be called a child of God & I am thankful & I am proud!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Long Time Coming

* "You're So Vain" playing in the background...*

Hey,

so i heard the news today
its good its great
cant say i didnt see it coming
just didn't expect it so soon
please dont make the same mistake
keep in mind my very words
karma will always have its way
i may have "lost"as was "claimed"
but in truth i gain all
dont worry i wont go back
nor would i barter my love
i couldnt i wouldnt
im not as heartless
thanks for my dream fulfilled
i want nothing more
i can now move on
nothing but a distant memory
how i feel will never change
but how i react will never be the same
so go ahead and move on
here's wishing all the best
wishing blessings of happiness

as for me
i couldnt be happier as i am now
im in love truly madly deeply
and i know its forever
thanks thanks and thanks
im eternally grateful

I've got Him
I've got her
I've got them
I need no one else

Sincerely,
Bliss

PS: Rejected for the past, i guess this evens the score, good luck trying to win over Karma

Thursday, March 1, 2012

#01/03: Up

The sight I see when i look up beneath the playground set

PS: the first picture of her on this blog...

Luke 15:11-32

This parable of the prodigal son never fails to touch my heart or tug on my heart strings. I've studied this parable, seared into my memory for Bible Knowledge in school last time. It truly is such a fascinating passage (at least to me) because of all its hidden meanings & messages.

How it truly reflects my life & how no matter how lowly I think of myself, God is ever forgiving & never cease to welcome me back.

I love the unfinished sentence. I love the father waiting for the son on the horizon, running ever so eagerly to meet him. I love the extravagance, as though truly quite a "miracle" that the son "died" & lived again, seemingly impossible. I love the significance of the asking for his share of the property, as though regarding the father dead (as it was custom last time), how much it mustve hurt yet the father welcomes the son again.

Reminds me of the countless times I've hurt God or taken Him for granted & yet everytime I run back to Him, He's waiting there for me for always. Or reminds me of the countless times I've hurt my parents yet they still continue to love me & be there for me. I am truly very much blessed to be able to experience all these moments with God, family & friends & loved ones.

I love my God & I'm proud to be His!