Tonight is one of those nights that I'm sick of myself. I feel so useless & worthless because my life is one chaotic mess & I feel like I'm not making full use of my time here on Earth.
I hate it that I feel sleepy all the time even if I get "proper sufficient" rest. I hate it that I seem to fall asleep around people I love best & want to spend time with. I hate it that I can't get up early in the mornings to have "me time". I hate it that I can't seem to fall asleep at night because my mind is fighting against itself, tortured with thoughts, memories & arguments with myself. I hate sleeping & wish I could do without it or less of it.
I want to draw. I want to organize. I want to read. I want to scrapbook. I want to take photographs. I want to lie in open fields. I want to getaway. I want to laugh. I want to enjoy everything I do & do it wholeheartedly. I want to spend time with God in silence. I want to bake. I want to create. I want to decorate. I want to be happy. I want to feel useful.
I wish I could be a supergirl who took care of the family while doing house chores while having time to watch TV while making time for God while having time to curl up with a book while crafting while holding a stable job with a satisfactory salary while breathing amidst it all.
I wish I wasn't so bitter. I wish I was more organized. I wish I was more creative. I wish I was more daring. I wish I was more fashionable. I wish I was calmer. I wish I had better things to do. I wish I moved faster. I wish I didn't upset people all the time. I wish I had common sense. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was sharper. I wish I was more sensitive. I wish I was more tactful.
I just don't know who I am anymore or what I'm doing. I feel like I'm drowning or just flowing with the current without trying to stay afloat. I feel stressed, upset, wound up, constricted, and totally disorganized.
Cause all I'm hearing is, "Mandy, you ruined my life." "Amanda, you're useless." "Move faster" "Pick up after yourself" "how can you live this way?" "You're a fucking joke" "you're such a hypocrite" "you're stupid with no common sense" "don't you know anything?" " You're a horrible friend" "You're not enough". Among the many things I batter myself with or what I've taken from the things others have said.
Sigh. Honestly, I can't be bothered about what others say about me or I'm too self-centered to care about anyone else right now, I've got my own demons to deal with, I've got myself to battle with. I'm tired, just exhausted. I feel guilty that I haven't even felt the Lent spirit, sigh. What is wrong with me?!
I am not kind to myself. Mandy, love yourself, won't you please? =(
Sorry, just had to get it all out. Frustrating that I can't fall asleep at this hour.
God made you just the way you are and He loves you. You're busy with a lot of things, that's why you don't have the time to do what you love anymore. You've got a job and a kid.
ReplyDeleteBut think of it as this way. When your little one is all grown up, you can do all the things you want to do, with her :) and you are gonna love it because you will be doing all the things you love with her by your side. Imagine all the things as well as memories you'll make with her.
Everyone wishes they were someone else. But every individual is different. No one is exactly the same. And thank God for making you who you are now, no matter what you've gone through, and for giving you loving and supportive family and friends. Just like you always said :)
Thank you for this reassuring comment & indeed i am looking forward to creating memories & doing all these things with her.
DeleteWhile i may have my days of wishing i was someone else, I am very thankful and happy to be who i am today, with the roles i take on. Plus, who knows, out there could be someone who wishes to be me =)