Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Butterfly Kisses Flew Away

Its been awhile since I wrote, simply because life had taken a major turn. These few days left many angry bitter words that broke many fragile hearts and too many fallen tears. Changed and scarred many lives in many irreversible ways.

I'm sure many questions are playing in the mind, why did it happen? What went wrong and where? What could've been done to prevent or stop things? What happens from here on out? Many of which I cannot answer, for some I either don't know or some are better left unanswered. But you have no one, especially not yourself to blame, for the blame is mine and mine alone. I was brought up in the best way possible, taught many good values, but life messed me up along the way, no one could've seen it coming.

I am very truly sorry for the hurt I've caused and the many lives I have ruined. I wish I could make things better somehow, but the options I am given are none I can take. I know things won't get any easier but would get much harder and worse but I can only hope things would improve over time, I hope peace understanding and reconciliation can be found.

I wish that one day I could somehow explain my reasons and feelings to you but I know I will never get the chance to, some things are just better left unsaid. I'm really sorry I disappointed you and failed you, I wish I didn't but I hope you know I love you no less but so much more so. I am very worried for you and I wish so much I could take away your hurt. I hope you understand my sentiments on this for I have thought about this for years on end before anything ever happened and my decision stays the same. I thank you for trying to be strong for me, I am so proud of you and I love you so much. I hope you know that.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Hope?

I can't seem to find the words to say. I know I'm holding myself together the best way I can, but I can feel myself falling apart. All I can do is smile and say I'm okay and that I'll be okay, when in fact I'm scared shitless. I can be alone, I know I can, but I worry not for myself but for those around me. I should've known better, I know, but its so much easier to blame it on my past than to accept that I really turned out to be everything I told myself not to be. Its times like these, I feel so unworthy. People may try to understand and may even say they do, but I wonder will they really stand by me when it all falls apart? I'd rather take anger and disappointment anytime than to witness the hurt and devastation, but I guess I can't choose my circumstances. Ironic how life works, I guess I'm meant to learn a lesson. If this teaches me anything or made me more of anything, it has made me colder. I hope I won't be as naïve and trusting anymore, I hope I won't fall in love simply because I really don't want to. I hope I will be more hardy and independent because I really need to be. I try my best to stay strong and start embracing the idea because it was my fault and I have to deal with it. So here's to hope, because I'm really counting on it.

fyi, I'm not looking forward to the return. i dread it utterly.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Love?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This is the famous quote from the Bible.

My idea of love is somewhere along those lines. I always thought of love as selfless, you love the other person so much that you'd do anything for that person. Their flaws won't seem to matter that much and seem more tolerable than if you noticed them in others. Your whole being gravitates towards the other person and your purpose seems to be in making them happy. It would take patience, tolerance, give-and-take, understanding, compromise and basically two individuals sharing almost everything together.

I thought love meant you were comfortable in your own skin, knowing that the person loves and accepts you just the way you are, expecting nothing in return. And in that love and acceptance, you notice the subtle changes in yourself to be more alike of each other. You naturally incline to want to be who that person wants or wishes you to be, but with the assurance that you need not lose yourself, but merely grow to be a better more wholesome person.

Love meant someone you could count on for anything. Someone to hangout with, even if it was in silence,it would still feel comfortable. Someone you could just talk to all the time about anything, knowing you could trust the person and not have to be wary. The first person you run to when you've got great news and in want of celebration. The person you consult for advise or just a listening ear or just a shoulder to cry on. You can do all these and not have to worry if you'd be too much or you'd be too cumbersome towards the other person, simply because you know that person and that person knows you inside and out.

Unfortunately, love has failed me and hurt me one too many times. So much so, I'm starting to have my doubts. Perhaps its me? Perhaps I have the rose-tinted hopeless romantic view of love that is too high an ideal to achieve. Perhaps I'm still stuck in Disney Princesses and fairy tales. So for now, I'm staying away from love, I've had enough of my more than fair share of heartbreak. I need my space away. The only love I'm counting on these days is the love of my Lord.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Contradiction

Look at the state of my blog
So full of life with all its color
The smiling photo in the corner
But read through the words
A total utter contradiction
If it were paper and ink
You'd find stains and smudges
This author's heart is breaking
A state she swore never to be in
To have life revolve around one
Now that one is going
She falls apart and breaks down
I must've sinned so terribly
To have Karma bite back this hard
Now to live with its consequence
Please give me strength.


PS: this time of the year always brings me down. Too much tension in the air.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone