Hope?

I can't seem to find the words to say. I know I'm holding myself together the best way I can, but I can feel myself falling apart. All I can do is smile and say I'm okay and that I'll be okay, when in fact I'm scared shitless. I can be alone, I know I can, but I worry not for myself but for those around me. I should've known better, I know, but its so much easier to blame it on my past than to accept that I really turned out to be everything I told myself not to be. Its times like these, I feel so unworthy. People may try to understand and may even say they do, but I wonder will they really stand by me when it all falls apart? I'd rather take anger and disappointment anytime than to witness the hurt and devastation, but I guess I can't choose my circumstances. Ironic how life works, I guess I'm meant to learn a lesson. If this teaches me anything or made me more of anything, it has made me colder. I hope I won't be as naïve and trusting anymore, I hope I won't fall in love simply because I really don't want to. I hope I will be more hardy and independent because I really need to be. I try my best to stay strong and start embracing the idea because it was my fault and I have to deal with it. So here's to hope, because I'm really counting on it.

fyi, I'm not looking forward to the return. i dread it utterly.

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