Wednesday, June 30, 2010

bound by darkness, written in blood.

she stood in the bright hot spotlight. felt the heat prickle every inch of her skin. the roar of silence pounded on her eardrums. instinctively her hands reach up to cover her ears. but she feels the pull, the restraint. looking at her wrists, shocked to find shackles. raising her hand against the blinding light, squinting, she notices only faint shadows in the background. sweat glistening off her skin.

panic now sets in. where is she? what is she doing? what is going on? she looks around, trying her best to see past the harsh white light. looking at herself, she finds herself bare naked and vulnerable. realization now hits her with a thousand fold. the roaring of the crowd, the taunting of their voices. she felt her world spinning in circles, too much too overwhelming, she couldnt withstand.

she’s scared. she’s ashamed. she tries to hide. tries to cover. her legs propel forward to run. but trips, stumbles and falls. laughter rings through the air. looking back, she finds the same shackles at her ankles. she screams in fear; but no voice can be heard. her voice so soft, inaudible above the buzzing of the noise around her. crying ever so silently, her face drenched in tears.

she struggles, picks at the shackles. tugs pulls hits, but nothing worked.

now like a puppet, someone pulls the strings. her movement she lost control. her limbs hurt against the pull, in every direction. here there, seemingly on the brink of tearing her apart. she tries to resist but to no avail. she falls yet again. the tug comes harder this time, forcing her back up upon her feet.

her limbs now bleed, chaffed from all the wear. she gives up. her body crumbles in defeat. limp like a rag doll. pain searing her every sense, jolting every inch of her body. she gives in, fight against it no more. whatever she feels, she does. if the pull is in that direction, then in that direction she goes. soon, the movements are fluid, she and it are one.

entertaining the shadows, submitting to their every want and need. if the cheers grew louder, the tugs were lighter. or else, ever more painfully and forcefully will she be forced. she soon looked forward to doing a good job, adding her own touches here and there. satisfied with herself for a job well done. pleasing the crowd was her only aim.

and so that is the story of her. no longer is she her own being. the shackles soon were taken off after. but limp her body crumbled. unable to function, not without them ugly shackles. the scars proof of what was, but phantom sensation imprinted forever.

she is gone forever.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

i wonder who'll capture your heart...?

...not me surely.sigh.

this ought to be your life motto,
cause this is so true of you. imy.

of nevers and wouldnts


if only tears were such a beautiful sight,
then maybe just maybe,
id be beautiful too.

of people and strangers i meet along the street,
those with whom i cant compete,
are the ones i’ll never greet,
id walk away than admit defeat.

of toned abs and sexy hips,
with smokey eyes and bee-stung lips,
legs so long that people trip,
of this girl it wouldn't fit.

of hips that sway so rhythmically,
and legs that run so effortlessly,
to fingers that strum so carelessly,
would only happen if but magically.

of unrestricted curfews and great company,
the girl who’d join in the very funny,
with conversation pieces aplenty,
you wont see her in this category.

of these things i wish to be,
are certainly things which are not me,
but mere wishes and dreams i’ll never see
just be old boring ms. amanda lee.

these reasons and more
why no one should adore
this girl is a sore
she’d only bring you gore.

i’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything. no matter how many times i tell myself or what i tell myself, it’ll never suffice. i’ll never have proper relationships or friendships. i’ll never be pretty enough or toned enough. i’ll never be able to let go of my past or addictions. i’ll never stop self-loathing or self-doubting. i’ll never find inner peace.
i’ll never stop having faith in God.

and with that, is my glimmer of light in the darkest moments.

sometimes, its better just to STFU.

hatred

hate is such a strong word, dont you think?
i prefer the word dislike =P
the feeling is still the same, no? =(

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

God, please help me? Amen.

.sometimes we forget to do what comes most naturally to us.

the same cycle day in day out
makes me wonder what life’s about
i may be wrong i may be right
whatever it is, please shed some light?

college assignments, no time to be free
always ever eternally busy
good thing? yes? no? maybe?
of better days i hope to see

“stay strong dear girl you’d pull through
of days so little so very few
Id make you stronger, whole, brand new
then maybe, just maybe, you’d find you”

He watches over me, of this i know
from inside within me, its Him who glows
taking each step with me of slow
helping me along to get with the flow

of habits so bad, it brittles me weak
tears are forever, the tap that leak
of answers to questions are what i seek
if only to learn how to be meek

the Lord knows who i am inside
of Him who calms the big tide
whose arms outstretched so wide
to Him i run to confide

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
- Philippians 4:13

yes, am trying positive psychospirituality! =P

Friday, June 18, 2010

death comes by surprise

death is no stranger to me. It has taken my maternal grandparents’ generation away from me, leaving me with only one granduncle left. It has taken beloved relatives from me, like Papa Dodo & Uncle Gary. It has taken spiteful relatives too. I grew up attending funerals, none of which I’ve cried at. Thing is, these deaths were technically foreseen, either through old age or in sickness. So I managed to rationalize myself through it.

This time however, threw me off balance. Ironic thing is, this guy is not even a relative of mine. I always saw him around but never spoke to him, was always too shy to say a word or frankly, I just didn’t find the time to. The past weekend changed that, as I spent three days and two nights with him and his wife along with all the other catechists at a retreat. I grew to know this couple, bubbly carefree people who were so easy to mix around with (which is a rare thing for me). I got to know that they were newly converts who rejoiced in the Lord and despite his nonchalant cutesy “I don’t really bother about these things” attitude, one could sense his true love and fear for God. One cannot but help feel at ease and joyful around them.

I just found out today, that he had passed away by a heart attack. I just COULD NOT believe it! I mean, its too unreal! I just saw this guy this weekend, spent a few days with him, got to know him! and today he’s gone? I heard the news an hour or two ago, and I’m still in disbelief and numb until now.

my heart goes out to his wife, may God bless her and comfort her in this time of distress. God bless his soul, and keep him close to His side.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

what's hard?


because i dont have the time these days
my life is spelt assignments =(

imy,
why havent i heard from u? =(

Sunday, June 13, 2010

the Faith element?

this weekend i was asked, “what is the most important/ needed element of faith?”. The first thing that popped in my mind was trust, as we needed to trust in the Lord and submit ourselves willingly and wholly to Him. As i pondered over it further, i realized, behind that trust is love.

Having faith is like being in love and in a relationship with God, to the point of even being married to God. My explanation is as such:

When you’re in love and happy, you do everything in your power for that person, just so you’d please that person. Even if it means sacrifice on your end, you do so anyway, just to make your partner happy. You’d look your best, your partner would make you feel your best. You’d want to spend every waking moment with your partner. Your partner would be your best friend, your confidante, the one you turn to for love, support and care. Your partner would know you inside out, and read you like an open book. Your partner would shower you with gifts and surprises, you in turn would show your appreciation.

However, a relationship as with any other, is not easy. Life isn’t all about a bed of roses. Sometimes, things don’t work out between your partner and you. You’d end up feeling utterly frustrated and angry at your partner, miscommunication might take place too. Yet when fights and arguments occur, a healthy couple would seek to work things out and talk things out. A compromise of give and take to make the bond stronger and closer. You of course, would feel the distance from your partner and seek your partner out again, wanting to close the gap between the both of you. You’d persuade each other and make it up to each other.

Sometimes, your partner would say things, confrontational things you wouldn’t like or agree to. Although you know how much they care enough, to say the things they do. They of course, want the best for you. A partner may sometimes act like a parental figure, always protective over you making sure no harm comes to you or making sure you make the right choices or at least learn from your mistakes. your partner in that duration, would not leave you.

When you’re so much in love, the very thought of breaking up or walking away seems the most atrocious idea ever. You simply could not bear that very thought. Imagine how much more so if you were married to your partner where divorce is simply not an option at all.

Love may cause you hurt, love may cause you joy. Love in itself is a journey, full of ups and downs, with adventure in between. Love brings two individuals closer together, strengthen in their bond together by knowing one another inside out and accepting the person as they are and loving them nonetheless. Love is giving your heart to another in hopes that they take better care of it than yourself.

With love comes everything else, trust, emotions, determination, passion, commitment. So love, to me, is the most important and needed aspect of our faith. After all, as the verse in Corinthians describes love, love is ultimately God Himself.

I have so much love to give
yet it seems, not meant for you
love I hope kept and meant for Him above.

Friday, June 11, 2010

reasons to hate buddy drinking

just put down the glass
dont take a gulp
who do you see?
what do you feel?

fucking drinks messes with your head
screws you over and leaves you for dead

funny how drinking reveals your true self
lowers your inhibitions and ups the desire
funny how dependent you’ve become of it
function fails without your shots of fix

fucking drinks changes you completely
of hurt 1 suffers ever so silently

dont get me wrong, drinking is to love
the very taste, the bitterness
all but oh so welcome
the aftermath is to be feared

fucking drinks love to play pranks
stop the game, you’d notice it stank

only but ask, it’d be offered it to you
fucks it all up when you take a drink or two
conditioned you’ve become
to need the darn drinks to make a move

so its best to say, fuck them drinks
and fuck you too!

ps: apologies for the language,
profanity could be a good catharsis? =)

if only you knew
how bittersweet things were
of loving drinks with you
yet hating it too.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

action-reaction suck balls!

action-reaction
the greatest irritation
biggest form of imitation
leading only to devastation
all of which are constrictions
boiled down to limitations
why dont you create fiction?
create some kind of depiction?
instead of responding to her dictation
and quoting her by citation
maybe its all a stupid girl’s illusion
creating for her only confusion
fueling hope and dreams of her imagination
all of which crumbles down in destruction
your action reaction
causes her malfunction
feeling silly for all her actions
she looks for another distraction
in hopes of a solid retraction
bidding goodbye her heart’s fraction
only then could she possibly attain completion

ironic how im complaining about something natural to me
as i use it everyday everytime with anyone and everyone.

you learnt it from the best sucka!
yes, im bitter! deal with it!
*grumbles*

Saturday, June 5, 2010

imperfections

ask around, you’d find i’m my own biggest critic
friends aplenty say i dont give myself enough credit
i however beg to differ absolutely
for look at me and you’d find ghastly

i aint street smart, i lack the common sense
i do just above average, missing the flag of fail
i get the occasional joke, i’d miss the bigger picture
the wisdom i get are from my love of books

i aint the good looker, i’ve only got flabs to offer
dont know how to fashion fad myself
aint the athletic with the toned sunkissed body
i do just enough to get by comfortably

i am my own irony, for i take interests in things i fail greatly
poetry, photography, scrapbooking
all of which i lack the creativity flair
seen others who have done so much better

i aint the sweet girly girl guys go after
nor the hot sexy one guys drool over
certainly aint the brainy one either
nor the crazy cool chick rebel to admire

who am i exactly? i myself dont know
of what i do know, is I am a passerby
i do enough, live enough, just to pass by
like a shooting star bursting bright in the air,
close your eyes for a second
and you might just have missed her there.

i’ll never be the girl you seek
you’re simply outta my league
cause i obviously dont fit the par

Friday, June 4, 2010

to forget or not to forget?

i dont wanna forget you
but forget my feelings for you!

coincidence much?

 

i don't know about you
but the timing is way too perfect
first with the book
now i stumbled on this
i bet God’s telling you something dear!
question is: are you listening?

this is for you
you know who you are
you know what you go through
i can only do so much
by talking to you
the rest is up to you
i hope you know i care
it sucks to see you go through this
for you deserve so much more
you know it, i know it, he knows it
but nothing is being done about it
get a grip girl, be strong
i know you can!
whatever your choice
imma be right here for you
for always
luv you much! mwah! *hugs*

irony is
this post is meant for me too
i need to move on!