seemingly best of pals can very well turn around and stab you in the back. seemingly chummy pals were just using you for whatever they needed at that point of time. they smile, you smile, heck, its all for pretences sake, keeping up with the Jones they say. you find out that your tolerance level aint that high, and you end up questioning yourself, who the hell are your friends? what are friends even for? we are all but individuals with our own problems, why the hell bother telling anyone else when they have full plates themselves? thus saying that, one can gather that i dont believe in the saying of problems are halved when shared or maybe its just my bitter self talking now. i seem to be or mold myself to be who everyone else wants me to be, not knowing who the hell i am at the end of the day. the advice or suggestions i supposedly give out sounds so good but totally ineffective for me. and looking at the friends you keep, you cant help but wonder the reasons why. yes, ive got great friends i can count on, but i just keep questioning myself if im ever good enough? do i even deserve their friendship? the problem with my friendships are, the ones im close to and can confide in are the ones i cant spend time with, the ones i can spend time with are usually too busy with close friends of their own. im too shy to make new friends so it all goes in one big circle which leads back to me saying im such a loser that i cant even keep friends.
2-1 is just a fucking number which bears no significance or resemblance to the legal status of whatever. being a stupid girl doesnt help either. cause apparently the damn big huge big bad fucked up world out there is just too dangerous and harsh towards little 21 girls like me. i mean, like, heck, so much for feminist movements when your voice of reason is forever being stifled. getting what you want is merely by cheap slutty outfits and demeanour or by breaking down into a bawl of tears. respect is no longer an issue to even deal with. freedom of speech is just an expression to make you believe you have a say, when what its actually saying is yes, you have a say but you cant fucking use it. voice to reason is has no reason at all to be used cause what it actually does is just tire you out from all the circles you go through repeatedly to make a point only to have it fall on deaf ears by which you'd be too tired to even continue and thus give up.
love...HAH! thats a good fucking joke. so much for love la. goodness knows its useless to me, brings me nothing but the negativity. i used to think that im full of love, ever ready to love someone, to care for and worry about someone. now im just thinking if what i really want is a small kid to look after instead of a grown up who can hurt me. i think that i can handle abuse of all kinds from everyone else, no problem, but my gosh, the greatest most sadistic abuser out there is myself. i know myself, how i torture myself to no end with the never ending belittlement upon myself, the thoughts i drive myself crazy with, the hope i conjure for myself only to crush them and bring it all falling down, the second guesses about myself, the questions and curses. i would ponder and mull over something, going over the same thing repeatedly in my head, scrutinising every inch of the details just to see where i went wrong, where i could go wrong or where i would go wrong the one thing im proud of myself is i was never a cutter, i used to hurt myself, yes, by pinches and naildigs and grazes against the rough walls, but never by anything sharp. i guess i never had the guts.
you know what i love? i love swimming, yes i do. and i love my bathroom. cause its the only place i can be alone with the water washing over me, calming me. and if im underwater, i hear nothing but the calm silence. not the eerie silence, but a nice warm silence that just soothes me. i dont quite like my room cause i dont have privacy there. im not allowed to lock my doors, i constantly hear street noises from my windows, its too messy to have peace of mind cause my mum's resounding nagging to clean it up just keeps ringing. i constantly want to diary cause it lies across my pillow, but am too emotionally exhausted to push everything down on paper. i want to sleep but i feel so restless, and feel like im wasting time when i could do things better.
i just wish i could find myself somehow. find a strength that i could rely on. something i could count on myself so i wont have to count or depend on anyone else. its times like this that i feel like just giving up, run away somewhere and let myself rot in misery alone. at least i dont have to keep thinking of others? sigh, even here i sound like an awfully selfish bitch.
anyway, im too tired, drawn emotionally and mentally already. here's me signing off a bad end to the year. bubye.
courtesy of the family =) Love Them! *teehee*
I <3 MY FAMILY! 
