Picture me.

So I said,
What's been made?
Its all too late.
Leave it all to fate.
We could've been great.
Now let's just set the date
To incinerate


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Advent anyone?

as much as i look forward to Christmas, i dont either.

dont get me wrong, tradition in spending time with the family, especially going for midnight mass and opening of presents is simply delightful. i am always reminded how blessed i am to have a wonderful loving caring supportive family to spend such a joyous important occasion with.

but christmas has never been easy for me. it requires too much effort on my part to smile. it requires too much much hated small talk and mingling. it requires having to face nosy relatives who probe too much into your nonexistent complicated love life. it requires having to see others with their respective partners, a harsh slap in your face that either you dont have one or yours is not around.

its a time when past stories, events or experiences are brought up. a time when you simply want to shrink in embarrassment and hope the floor opens and hides you. its a time where  you have to tolerate old stories youve heard countless times before and would rather not listen to it again because you cannot repeat the same bemused expression after hearing it a million times on end.

its a time when i feel most scared and most vulnerable. its a time when i need someone close as close to me as possible. it brings back too many memories.

for once, i just wish i had someone to hold my hand. i wish Jesus Himself held my hand. told me that it was alright for me to celebrate His birthday with Him. that i was worthy to participate in this huge sacred event. that i was worthy and invited to join in the celebration. that He will protect me from my fears, and that He would forgive me.

and perhaps for once, i wish, i had someone with me for christmas. so i didnt have to face everyone else alone. so i didnt have to be scared. so i didnt have to worry. and for once, i could actually enjoy christmas and made christmas different this time around. for once, replace what christmas has ruined for me before with memories of new. for once, make mistletoe worthy. make me feel worthy.

Christmas has always been an important holiday for me. for once, i just wish for a different Christmas. for once, give me peace within my troubled heart. let it not be turbulent anymore. sigh.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!

PS: im sorry for this very troubling post. what i write, i write. please delve not into what is written. just cast this off as another stressed out rambling. for this girl is tired after a whole day of working on an assignment.

crashed

there she sits
in the corner of her own world
selfish you might say
ignorant antisocial even
little do you know
this girl so shy
believe in herself so low
lips sealed shut
secrets of old kept within
heart abroken
chest been open
hurt a thousand
healed she has none

love she thought she found
love she cant be sure
love so much 
love it hurts
love she wants
love she wont get to keep
love has got her head in the clouds

it spites to read of others
plight so close
it scares her true
what if it became of her
she survived so far
will the future be clear
a psychopath she wishes not
clear her mind
and peace she hopes

everything comes crashing down
red blood stains
eyes so dry
heart gave pangs
feet so weary
hands are limp
there she whimpers
head throbs aches

final
done
closed
sealed
finished
completed
silenced

im sorry,
im just so tired
with all my assignments
finals looming in
pms added in
one big mess of jumbled emotional wreck.

Nerd Alert!

Dear Assignments, Studying and Finals,

Where have the days gone where i used to read all the time? Where are the days where i used to diary ever quite so often? My joy of reading and writing have been replaced by my lack of time. All the things i used to love, I hardly have the time for anymore.

Please let me pass this semester as soon as possible, that i may not have to repeat and waste another semester. Please guide me and see me through my assignments as well as my finals that i may resume my fun, sanity and whatever other healthy “plans” i might have.

written work used to be my comfort zone, my safe haven, my stability. Perhaps I'm losing my ground because of this? My emotions have gone haywire and unstable for the same reason too? Super duper good day? utterly horrible day? plain old boring day?everything used to go into my diary, now i feel as though I've no time to do so, not even the time to blog. (Sigh, it’s a wonder i even have the time to blog this).

or maybe its just my own fear that I'm trying to push aside and not confirm it by not expressing it? that once everything is on paper, everything seems so permanent when everything’s always changing? Or perhaps it’s my fear that things wont change? so id rather not write anything down? so i wont have anything to compare it against? no memories of the past, be it good or bad ones? Maybe I've feared to the point id rather have nothing at all than to have something only halfway? Damn, i miss writing! =(

I miss reading, getting so engrossed in a book that i couldn't be bothered or couldn't care less about the world around me. i wont have to hear what others had to say. i don't have to worry about what's going on. i don't have to think about the things that might hurt or upset me. when i was crumbling and couldn't cope in reality, the characters held themselves together for me. when i felt sad and angry and so devastated, the characters would give me new hope in their stories or comfort me in sharing my plight. i got lost in this alternate world just so i wont have to face my harsh reality. burrowing my nose in a book allows me to retreat to my own world and escape awkward  embarrassing small talk moments in which i know i would fail in.

lately, the latest of which combines both my passion is the Word of God. i had attended a program which allowed me to reflect and evaluate my current standing with God and attempt to bring myself closer to Him. it was in this program that we had to do daily Bible reflections in which we not only read the Word of God, but we were to journal about it as well. i had done so religiously (pun intended) for about 5 weeks when something happened and i had to put it on hold for awhile. Unfortunately, it has been on hold ever since and I would very much like to return to it soon! =(

i need my words.
i need my solid secure stable means of comfort.
i need typography.

Please give me back my time? =(

Love much,
Nerdy Bookworm.

Driven to Blog

I never was one for traveling
Drives were my cue for sleeping
Journeys were often boring
The sun so brightly glaring

These days were oft changing
Of shoulders onto be leaning
And hands to be a-holding
Drives were now entertaining

Silly jokes oft got things laughing
And serious topics to get talking
Kisses oft were sneaking
Or fights of debatable arguing

Of breaking down and crying
Or teasing tickles and prodding
To silly drive warnings
And road beauties left drooling

Dangerous curves of speeding
Yet security made reassuring
Driver is utmost pleasing
This girl is whole lot of loving


PS: just because someone said I haven't "blogged" in awhile. Looks like I don't need a brokenheart after all, eh? *winks*


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Wonderful Weekend

Friday night made the pillows talk sweet
Party on Saturday night swept off the feet
A whole Sunday was perfect to meet
One lovely weekend simply made complete

Thank you for the memories
Love very "muchie"
Heart filled with glee
Cheeks hurt from all the smileys

XOXO


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

third chance around? <3 =)

butterfly kisses

this dress was too pretty not to be reblogged
yes, i steal  things from tumblr
i still prefer blogger, thankyouverymuch

the flutter of the wings
ever so soft on the skin
the slight tickles
to say a million words

have you butterfly-kissed someone today?
do it now.

i love you

i never was one to stand up for myself
i was always the one to break down and cry
but guess what dear girl?
i am strong, i can survive
i dont need you to tell me otherwise
i make the choices, i make the mistakes
but i learn to get up again after every fall
yes, things may be rough
yes, things may be tough
you might even think you cant do it
chin up grow up and toughen up
you can and will pull through
i love you with everything within me
you are worthy of love
you are beloved
you are worthy
you are Amanda

i found strength within myself,
thanks to You (JC), you (EJ) and you (JT).