Advent anyone?

as much as i look forward to Christmas, i dont either.

dont get me wrong, tradition in spending time with the family, especially going for midnight mass and opening of presents is simply delightful. i am always reminded how blessed i am to have a wonderful loving caring supportive family to spend such a joyous important occasion with.

but christmas has never been easy for me. it requires too much effort on my part to smile. it requires too much much hated small talk and mingling. it requires having to face nosy relatives who probe too much into your nonexistent complicated love life. it requires having to see others with their respective partners, a harsh slap in your face that either you dont have one or yours is not around.

its a time when past stories, events or experiences are brought up. a time when you simply want to shrink in embarrassment and hope the floor opens and hides you. its a time where  you have to tolerate old stories youve heard countless times before and would rather not listen to it again because you cannot repeat the same bemused expression after hearing it a million times on end.

its a time when i feel most scared and most vulnerable. its a time when i need someone close as close to me as possible. it brings back too many memories.

for once, i just wish i had someone to hold my hand. i wish Jesus Himself held my hand. told me that it was alright for me to celebrate His birthday with Him. that i was worthy to participate in this huge sacred event. that i was worthy and invited to join in the celebration. that He will protect me from my fears, and that He would forgive me.

and perhaps for once, i wish, i had someone with me for christmas. so i didnt have to face everyone else alone. so i didnt have to be scared. so i didnt have to worry. and for once, i could actually enjoy christmas and made christmas different this time around. for once, replace what christmas has ruined for me before with memories of new. for once, make mistletoe worthy. make me feel worthy.

Christmas has always been an important holiday for me. for once, i just wish for a different Christmas. for once, give me peace within my troubled heart. let it not be turbulent anymore. sigh.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!

PS: im sorry for this very troubling post. what i write, i write. please delve not into what is written. just cast this off as another stressed out rambling. for this girl is tired after a whole day of working on an assignment.