everyday hurts

not getting any easier

you told me with time,
i’ll get used to it
im wondering to myself
get used to what?

you said you came easy
should be easy to just let you go
you don't know
you came and took my heart with you

i ask you how you do it
you tell me you don't know
you pretend just as i do
what do we do now?

how do i become your friend?
when all i feel is love
how do i spend time with you?
when my heart is breaking so

i don't tell you certain things
you think I'm getting over you
stronger as i may seem
this girl keeps getting weaker

i don't know how long i can hold this up
this charade the masquerade
my heart is breaking boy
how do i move on? sigh.

I've never felt this way before
not with anyone, never anyone
i went ahead and fell so deep
now i cant get out of this lovelorn state

i told myself time and again
never let yourself get hung up
but did i listen to myself?
never did, no, not even now

If only...

If only when we met
You'd pull me close
Hug me tight
Tell me everything's gonna be alright

If only when we spoke
We didn't dance around our words
But spoke carelessly
Share much laugh more so aimlessly

If only when we messaged
I didn't have to pretend
I could tell you I'm hurting
And wish back everything

If only things were easier
It wouldn't be so awkward
Its only been a few days since
Yet today, I'm still feeling the pinch

If only I could tell you
I miss you so damn much
I still love you so fiercely
But nothing's gonna make me your lady

.sigh.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

.bitter.

someday one day who knows
bitterness is a facade
i can only be strong
by keeping you at length
laughter masks it all
you’d never know this broken heart.

to bitter or better.

in case you forgot,
the dynamics have changed
the boundaries are set
the limits were determined
you yourself initiated them
don’t you dare take the step back
i told you what i had planned
you told me otherwise
i took the scary step forward
and friends is where we’re at

so tell me now
what do you think?
quietly slip back into the old?
Hah- think again little mischief!
this girl ain’t letting you pass
i wonder if you notice?
i wonder if you care?
can you tell the difference?
would it make one now?

wake up and smell the options
choose well my beloved “friend”
for opportunity come sometimes but once
would you choose to leave me stranded there?
or take the risk to jump with me?
and together watch us soar
or together we’d freefall

say or do what you want
i’d think what i want
hope still bubbles within me
until i find the next in line.

note to self

so much for trying,

i give up.

D Day

Mark this day.
Stand firm in your decision.
Twas for the greater good.
Break not the heart anymore.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

of nuances and intuition

maybe its just me

maybe it really is true
maybe im too sensitive
maybe im too selfish
maybe im too paranoid
maybe i secondguess myself too much
maybe im just too insecure

i wouldnt say the things i want to say

i wouldnt ask the things i want to ask
thats why i rely on initiative and effort
compromise of the give and take
sacrificing myself of wants needs and desires
i dont ask for the biggest of things
i dont ask for the biggest of steps
the littlest one of mere presence
would be enough to go a long freaking way

i always believe in where "there's a will there's a way"

no excuses could come between you and the end-goal

thats why nothing makes sense anymore
ive been hurt to my very core
ive given up in hoping, my heart has grown numb
just been going with the motions
just waiting for the strength to give up
waiting for the time to quit
i cannot go on this way
something somewhere has got to give way
sacrificing my God is not how i play

today has been most upsetting

the tone of voice gave way
i know the circumstances
i tried to understand
but broke my heart into pieces
when word so scarce so abrupt
not only was there nonchalance
but gave up the chance too?
i could only facepalm myself
when realization hit yet no action took place
i would've appreciated a simple hi and bye
to comfort the insecurity
reassurance much needed
thanks for terms of endearment
but no effect did this time around

but fuck it all,
i dont give a damn
sooner or later
the regret would not be mine
i may not be the best cup of tea
but i could have been a really good one
if only you knew how to brew me the right way.

goodnight,
my heavy laden heart.
im sorry for all these mean stuff
im just terribly upset.
ask me not about it please?
for real, i dont want to talk about it.

restlessness

my heart is not at peace
the first time in these few months
i dont feel at ease
something is not right
i cant place my finger on what
perhaps its just paranoia setting in
side effect of all the stress
but it still doesnt make sense
i sense the cold chill and silence
perhaps its just my imagination
no endearment in the words
everything seemed so abrupt
foolish child dear girl
stop worrying for nothing
selfishness is not you to become
let others have their own peace of mind
perhaps some time alone is best
leave it all and forget the rest
hush now my dear child
tame that racing restless heart
distract yourselves with priorities
push away the insecurities
close your eyes
shut your mind
think not of the impending future
but rather of the present together
think not of sad frightful times
but of happiness joy and impossibilities

im sorry,
im just restless and worried.

i’d never tell…

.sigh.

Endless conversations

Endless conversations never seeming to end
Talk for hours and hours without realization
About anything and everything it all depends
An intimate moment shared between friends

So thoroughly engrossed without a heed or care
Talking about this and that and a little over there
Be it the gloomy sadness or joy so fair
Everything seems better whenever one shares

You and I have come a long way
I've lost track of when was the first day
But most certain we've had lots to say
Uncertain of the future I ask come what may


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Fingers

out of my whole body,
i love my fingernails best! =)

fall in love with me

it is never easy to deal with a girl such as i
someone you know you can never meet eye to eye
a girl whose past so troubled it tears the you and i
and yet against all odds questions and remarks you defy
in all honesty you tell me the truth and hold no lie
it breaks your heart and you hurt with the sigh
and yet you hold on and never let the flame die
what did a girl do to get lucky with such a guy?
of a love so fragile and so true, me oh my oh my
as much as i keep fearing the goodbye
i think id focus on loving you without the question why

thanks my baby boo
this girl loves you
hugs and kisses too
for a dream come true.