Wishes

People are never satisfied. No matter how well they're doing, nothing ever seems enough. Even when they break their own record each time, they've already set the new bar to challenge themselves with.

Life is going pretty good for me I must say. Though very stagnant and routined. When one is too comfortable with where one is, that too can pose a problem.

So with my life revolving around a standard routine of wake up late, rush to work, breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner, waste time, sleep late; and the cycle goes on and on with the the mix of Faith thrown in & the occasional variant on the routine in terms of places and people.

If I had my way right now, these are a few things I miss doing mixed with a few things I wish I was doing or wish I had the guts to do:

1. I miss and want my blogging buzz back. I want to blog regularly again.
2. I wish I would start and finish or maintain an ongoing scrapbook for Faith. I think I have commitment issues =S
3. I wish, want & need to get active. I want to run my cares away, do squats like my life depended on them & have fun dancing my fats away.
4. I desperately need to gain control of my finances and learn how to restraint myself from excessive expenditure.
5. I need to start cooking for both Faith & myself.
6. I miss cross-stitching.
7. I miss reading.
8. I wish I knew how to spend time with my daughter.
9. I want to take up dance lessons.
10. I want to be a healthier,more productiver.

Commandments of The Other

1. You cease to exist unless beckoned.
2. You do not initiate contact unless contacted.
3. You erase all evidence of existence.
4. You do not make known acknowledgment.
5. You accept your place of no place at all.
6. You play to every whim & fancy as subjected to.
7. You feign emotions & reactions to suit each arising situation.
8. You show no emotion once left.
9. You make no demands or requests unless they are asked of you to be made.
10. You will always be "the other" unless YOU put a stop to it.

Don't be played for a fool. Don't mistake advances for affection. Don't lose yourself to be someone/something you're not. Don't give in. Don't sacrifice yourself for stones when you're meant for precious gems.

I thank God.

Hopeless & Overwhelmed

I used to know who I was. At least I thought I did. Damnit! It's been 2/3 years already & I'm still missing the me I was when I was with you. I was the best I could be. I'm so angry & so scared that I'll never be her again.

I was so happy. I looked forward to my everyday. I was motivated to look good & feel good & i felt good & confident in my own skin. Right now, I'm so upset with myself that I'm letting myself slip further & further away.

And it kills me to no end that I don't feel that way about her now. I love her to bits & I don't miss her & I don't feel sad when she's not around. I'm supposed to feel better. She completes me. But I don't & it upsets me.

I had plans. I wanted to be the supermom who was active & participative in her daughter's life. Instead it's evident how "big" a role I'm playing when she often chooses Dad over me. I don't know how to entertain my own daughter.

I don't know how to cope with the years to come. I know I can & I know I will. But the very thought of it overwhelms me. I have so much to do, so much I want to do. But I just feel so hopeless & overwhelmed by everything that I don't know where to start that I eventually just give up altogether.

Anyway, I'm alright, I will be alright! I'll make sure of that. It's just been awhile since I had a random burst of rant. Now I just hope my eyes don't puff up tomorrow eh? =P

Goodnight.

Feels So Good

Run your fingers through my hair
Send the shivers up my spine
The tingle along my skin
Make me come undone
Lose myself in the ecstasy
I beg you don't stop
The irony of your touch
I feel the tug along my scalp
Your nails tracing lines
No where near
Yet so very good
The sensation crawling
From my head to my toes
Spreading like wild fire
Heat prickling my goosebumps
Oh so sensitive you've made me
The slightest touch, mmm
I surrender to you
Makes me want to shut my eyes
Just to lavish my reaction
My whole body tenses
And relaxes all at the same time
It feels so good
I cannot withstand it

Fairly warned
Thats my weak spot

little girl being tipsy

underestimated more often than not
the number don't mean shit
cause none counted
except perhaps one or two
dont know nothing?
dont damn judge

i cant change who i was
i cant change what happened to me
i cant change who i am
its all a part of me.

but the choice is mine
so as much as i feel it
i choose otherwise
but the truth remains within me
i know it for myself

so this is my ultimate sacrifice
the biggest not so secret secret i keep

lets just make one thing clear
i dont go after those who are taken
pfft, dont insult me in thinking that way
i know how to have a good time
but i darn well know my boundaries
so others better darn well know them too

xoxo