one of my favourite LeSportSac bags, the most colorful one I've got & it makes me happy =)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
#23/1: Something Old
My footwear which have walked with me for many miles and saw me through so many experiences. From shopping to college to church to clubs to workplace. They have since given up on me and so I bid adieu!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Mind Games
Criminal Minds every Monday, though i love it, i also hate it. Why? Cause it forces me, or rather, it leads me to over analyze my life, my experiences and my own personality. I cannot help but feel so raw and exposed after each episode.
It makes me wonder what sort of person am I? what sort of live am i leading? Is my past really shaping who I am today? If yes, for better or for worse? Which controls the better of me- Nature or nurture? I'd like to think that i have a resilient personality with such a warm loving supportive family so i'd never go wrong. BUt each time i watch Criminal Minds, I'm not too sure. Yes, its all fiction, yet dont forget, the fiction they create are based on real life stories or situations.
With everything that has happened, im surprised im not cuckooed somewhere in my head. Its scary to see what or how the past can change someone to be someone completely different. I'm so afraid i might snap one day, and no one will know me anymore, not even myself. I'm so scared that because of me and what Ive been through, instead of passing on strength, id be passing on a whole bunch of psycho traits. I'm so afraid history will repeat itself, and if it ever does (*touch wood* i hope it never does, ever!), i dont think i would be able to take it. i keep asking myself what the final straw would be, i have the strongest feeling, that this would be it. though it may not be my fault, i will feel guilty and find it super hard to forgive myself for not putting a stop to it in the first place.
Ive been through it, you name it, i probably have gone through it. Thank God ive never turned to drugs or suicide though. The thoughts had haunted me once, but thank God, I clung onto my Saviour and i never went to that extreme. You know how they say the abused will end up abusing? By golly, does abusing one's self count? Cause i most certainly havent appreciated myself in the past, and i can see why i was left where i am today.
Are there reasons for my actions? Were there reasons for my actions? Or was it my fault that i chose such a road? or was i pre-destined to choose such a road? an underlying reason that gave way to such self-destructive behaviour? Looking for love in all teh wrong places? trying to fill a gap? but what gap exactly? i thought i had everything? why would i need anything else? What dont i know about myself? or what am i suppressing?
it makes me realize that i have grudges against certain people because they remind me of myself and i dont like myself so much, at least the destructive self i mean. ive been through a whole lot of shit and i do not wish for anyone else to go through the same. but then again, who am i to say? hypocrite much then? i only hope they learn their lesson faster than me, before its too late. i was blessed to have a great outcome, but it may not be the same for others. no, i am not trying to say im some special exclusive, but im just saying take care of yourself.
my experiences have made it very hard for me to trust anyone else, men in general really. i feel like there is no hope in that area. they only seem to go after one thing, and its sad really. what happened to chivalry and gentlemen? Hah.. a myth? a legend perhaps? Or maybe this is just me being in denial about how i really feel in reality, which is a good thing i think, because accepting how i feel wont make a difference, so better to keep denying and pushing it out of the way. After all, being out of sight makes it slightly easier to be out of mind, which in turn also makes it easier to keep any action out too. plus, the fact that i used to drown my sorrows at the bottom of the bottle and end up doing stuff that i really shouldnt have, i now cant, so its all good. im safe.
i dont know how the future will be and honestly, im trying not to think about it. i doubt it will come looking for me anytime soon, perhaps even never. so right now, im focused on the here and now and present. i will make do of the best ive got and appreciate myself more. with God, family and friends who love me and care about me, i can overcome any "pre-destined" paths. it may be written in the stars, but i choose whats to be written!
okays, ranted long enough, doubt i even wrote about what i actuually wanted to write about in the first place. not sure if i feel better after writing all this, but oh well. venting is a good thing. better out than in =P
goodnight all. off to bed now.
It makes me wonder what sort of person am I? what sort of live am i leading? Is my past really shaping who I am today? If yes, for better or for worse? Which controls the better of me- Nature or nurture? I'd like to think that i have a resilient personality with such a warm loving supportive family so i'd never go wrong. BUt each time i watch Criminal Minds, I'm not too sure. Yes, its all fiction, yet dont forget, the fiction they create are based on real life stories or situations.
With everything that has happened, im surprised im not cuckooed somewhere in my head. Its scary to see what or how the past can change someone to be someone completely different. I'm so afraid i might snap one day, and no one will know me anymore, not even myself. I'm so scared that because of me and what Ive been through, instead of passing on strength, id be passing on a whole bunch of psycho traits. I'm so afraid history will repeat itself, and if it ever does (*touch wood* i hope it never does, ever!), i dont think i would be able to take it. i keep asking myself what the final straw would be, i have the strongest feeling, that this would be it. though it may not be my fault, i will feel guilty and find it super hard to forgive myself for not putting a stop to it in the first place.
Ive been through it, you name it, i probably have gone through it. Thank God ive never turned to drugs or suicide though. The thoughts had haunted me once, but thank God, I clung onto my Saviour and i never went to that extreme. You know how they say the abused will end up abusing? By golly, does abusing one's self count? Cause i most certainly havent appreciated myself in the past, and i can see why i was left where i am today.
Are there reasons for my actions? Were there reasons for my actions? Or was it my fault that i chose such a road? or was i pre-destined to choose such a road? an underlying reason that gave way to such self-destructive behaviour? Looking for love in all teh wrong places? trying to fill a gap? but what gap exactly? i thought i had everything? why would i need anything else? What dont i know about myself? or what am i suppressing?
it makes me realize that i have grudges against certain people because they remind me of myself and i dont like myself so much, at least the destructive self i mean. ive been through a whole lot of shit and i do not wish for anyone else to go through the same. but then again, who am i to say? hypocrite much then? i only hope they learn their lesson faster than me, before its too late. i was blessed to have a great outcome, but it may not be the same for others. no, i am not trying to say im some special exclusive, but im just saying take care of yourself.
my experiences have made it very hard for me to trust anyone else, men in general really. i feel like there is no hope in that area. they only seem to go after one thing, and its sad really. what happened to chivalry and gentlemen? Hah.. a myth? a legend perhaps? Or maybe this is just me being in denial about how i really feel in reality, which is a good thing i think, because accepting how i feel wont make a difference, so better to keep denying and pushing it out of the way. After all, being out of sight makes it slightly easier to be out of mind, which in turn also makes it easier to keep any action out too. plus, the fact that i used to drown my sorrows at the bottom of the bottle and end up doing stuff that i really shouldnt have, i now cant, so its all good. im safe.
i dont know how the future will be and honestly, im trying not to think about it. i doubt it will come looking for me anytime soon, perhaps even never. so right now, im focused on the here and now and present. i will make do of the best ive got and appreciate myself more. with God, family and friends who love me and care about me, i can overcome any "pre-destined" paths. it may be written in the stars, but i choose whats to be written!
okays, ranted long enough, doubt i even wrote about what i actuually wanted to write about in the first place. not sure if i feel better after writing all this, but oh well. venting is a good thing. better out than in =P
goodnight all. off to bed now.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
hating tonight.
i give up.
some nights remind me of why some nights hurt. with everything that goes on around me, who do i turn to in the end? someone to pour out my heart to, without worrying who it may hurt or where it may carry. knowing that my secret's safe with that someone, that i can trust the person enough to just let it all out.
ive got bones to pick with so many people, i havent even found the funny bone. yet what do i do but shut up grin and act ignorant.
who do i turn to when i want a cuddle or a hug? who do i turn to to talk for hours on end about nothing in particular? whose hand do i hold? who do i seek first when i have news to share? whom can i be open with without being judged or sympathized?
nights like these make me miss. nights like this make it painful. nights like this reminds me. nights like this are difficult.
today the charm broke. i guess its a sign. part of me is trying to ignore the who and focus on just how pretty it looks in my room. part of me clings on to what it once meant to me. part of me thought it could've been a symbol of protection over us from where one cannot be, an eye kept watch over us for well wishes. for the most part, it just looked pretty and i had really liked it. now its broken, seems lke a part of me broke as well. will this feeling ever end?
it sucks. i dont want to hear about everyone else. i dont want to hear about me. i dont want to hear about who or what or when. if only to be a recluse and disappear, perhaps i am worth more hidden? out of sight, out of trouble. To be out of sight, somewhat makes it easier to be out of mind, for the most part at least, but it doesnt mean complete disappearance.
i cant talk to just anyone. no one understands. if i talk to someone, it might affect them. the last i would want to do is burden anyone else. yet, i wish not to talk to those.
some nights just make me want to curl up and go to sleep. just to block out all the thoughts from haunting me. i dont wnat to remember cause all i remember are the good days and the good days hurt most because the good days were when i was happiest or so i thought. i dont want to think anymore, i dont want to replay. i want to move on and forget the rest away. dont let me hang on, dont let me cling on. let me let go, let me go.
some nights are just f-ed.
some nights remind me of why some nights hurt. with everything that goes on around me, who do i turn to in the end? someone to pour out my heart to, without worrying who it may hurt or where it may carry. knowing that my secret's safe with that someone, that i can trust the person enough to just let it all out.
ive got bones to pick with so many people, i havent even found the funny bone. yet what do i do but shut up grin and act ignorant.
who do i turn to when i want a cuddle or a hug? who do i turn to to talk for hours on end about nothing in particular? whose hand do i hold? who do i seek first when i have news to share? whom can i be open with without being judged or sympathized?
nights like these make me miss. nights like this make it painful. nights like this reminds me. nights like this are difficult.
today the charm broke. i guess its a sign. part of me is trying to ignore the who and focus on just how pretty it looks in my room. part of me clings on to what it once meant to me. part of me thought it could've been a symbol of protection over us from where one cannot be, an eye kept watch over us for well wishes. for the most part, it just looked pretty and i had really liked it. now its broken, seems lke a part of me broke as well. will this feeling ever end?
it sucks. i dont want to hear about everyone else. i dont want to hear about me. i dont want to hear about who or what or when. if only to be a recluse and disappear, perhaps i am worth more hidden? out of sight, out of trouble. To be out of sight, somewhat makes it easier to be out of mind, for the most part at least, but it doesnt mean complete disappearance.
i cant talk to just anyone. no one understands. if i talk to someone, it might affect them. the last i would want to do is burden anyone else. yet, i wish not to talk to those.
some nights just make me want to curl up and go to sleep. just to block out all the thoughts from haunting me. i dont wnat to remember cause all i remember are the good days and the good days hurt most because the good days were when i was happiest or so i thought. i dont want to think anymore, i dont want to replay. i want to move on and forget the rest away. dont let me hang on, dont let me cling on. let me let go, let me go.
some nights are just f-ed.
Friday, January 13, 2012
#13/1: In Your Bag
This is the bag I use anywhere and everywhere, most especially to work. This is what it contains:
- Wallet
- House Keys
- Office Keys
- Comb
- Pens
- Tissue Packs
- Rosary Pouch + Office Keys
- Cables (Phone, IPod & Camera)
- Lip Balm
- Compact Powder
- Mascara
- Eye base Stick
- Hair Ties
- Loose Paper & Coins
- Camera
- Phone
- Headphones
- Watch
- Hair Pins
- Face Highlight Stick
...all among other things.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
stronger
I surprise myself sometimes with the strength I never knew I possessed. Either that, or I am really good at suppressing my feelings. Or, I have the most amazing support of loved ones around me.
Sure, I miss the old days, the people, the memories. and yes, sometimes, it hits me like the bricks and i find myself in that all too familiar place of pitbottom. yet, for the most part, I just don't think about it, I make excuses to push the thoughts away, I create new thoughts to replace the old thoughts.
People say I should feel hurt, pain, anger, regret and all that, yet I do not. There is no denying I was hurt, yet I understood the circumstances, I accepted it and though I wish things were different, I am okay with right now. How I felt didnt change, I still feel the same despite all that has happened. I guess somethings just dont, and they follow you the rest of your life, especially when youve got such a vivid reminder to bring the familiar back to you. Yet, instead of pining and upsetting myself, I move on, I thank God, I move forward. It was great to have the past, yet the past was not meant for my future. I wish the past well, that the past no longer harbor negativity over what had happened as I understand and hope the best for the future.
I may have been trained to solidify myself since the "past" so that when the new past came, it wouldnt affect me too bad and bring me back to the dungeons of despair. I guess what keeps me going are the people around me. I wish not to hurt others, I wish the best for those who wish the best for me and I make do with myself just so I wont hurt them anymore than I would myself. If i suffered alone, it would probably be hard, yet because otehrs may suffer with me too if i suffer, i make do and be happy. I know Im not making much sense with all the hidden meanings and general talk, but hey, this is how i rant and rave for myself, remember?
There's no denying I still look back on my past, check on how the present and future are doing. yet what strikes me is that i dont feel sad angry or hurt about it anymore. I used to, i used to think its unfair if the past moved on without me while i was still stuck there. But now, its got an interesting twist to it, the fact that its better to let go for happiness, than to cling on and cause unhappiness. So yes, so long as the past is happy, im happy. whats even better is, the past doesnt have what i have to look forward, I have my future and it is my very reason for living. Indeed, it was God's plan for me, knowing it had been the path i wanted from the very beginning of time, and he had blessed me with such an angel.
Smoe call me a pushover, because i dont get mad at people for injustice held against me. honestly, i dont really care. most of the time, if i do get mad or upset, its not cause they have hurt me, but it would be just me being frustrated at myself or upset over their situation.
however, dont get me wrong. i still stumble and fall evry now and then. it sjust that i always thought i was a weak noe who would always fall or cry herself to sleep and pretend that everything is okay. yet, today, I am surprised that i AM okay and will BE okay. I am stronger than i ever thought i was. and guess what? I love myself! for once in my life, i truly really genuinely love myself! HOpe everyone loves themselves too.
Anyway, i guess you get my drift. this is my few cents worth of thoughts.
#012/366
I thank God today for:
1. My ChaTime fix =P
2. The opportunity to pray in the jam
3. Totally helpful understanding colleagues who make me feel so much better about workload
4. The chance to walk around in a shopping mall after what seems forever
5. Forgetting my pendrive at work as a sign that i must sleep soon
Goodnight =)
1. My ChaTime fix =P
2. The opportunity to pray in the jam
3. Totally helpful understanding colleagues who make me feel so much better about workload
4. The chance to walk around in a shopping mall after what seems forever
5. Forgetting my pendrive at work as a sign that i must sleep soon
Goodnight =)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
#011/366
I thank God for:
1. The hint, opportunity and chance to praise Him in the morning in traffic.
2. Entertaining understanding colleagues who make work fun
3. Allowing me time for myself (manipedi & movie)
4. Everything he keeps reminding me to be thankful for
PS: I miss Bunny =(
1. The hint, opportunity and chance to praise Him in the morning in traffic.
2. Entertaining understanding colleagues who make work fun
3. Allowing me time for myself (manipedi & movie)
4. Everything he keeps reminding me to be thankful for
PS: I miss Bunny =(
Monday, January 9, 2012
#010/366
I thank God for:
1. Making my mornings superbly special with the antics of Bunny
2. Having a sweet patient Dad who's too cute for words
3. Having colleagues who seem to feel comfortable with me
4. Able to spend time with family
5. Thoughtful friends & family
1. Making my mornings superbly special with the antics of Bunny
2. Having a sweet patient Dad who's too cute for words
3. Having colleagues who seem to feel comfortable with me
4. Able to spend time with family
5. Thoughtful friends & family
#008/366 & #009/366
For these past two days, I thank God for:
1. Stress & busy working days to keep me on my toes
2. Comforting colleagues who kept reassuring me & trying to calm me down
3. Comfort by a reaffirming comment from an anonymous angel & great conversations with two other known angels
4. Moments to make me proud of my special one, especially in church & coming home from work
5. Excitement, support, warmth & the feeling of community as a family in the BEC tea party today.
6. Thoughtful, patient & loving parents.
7. The huge hint by using Aaron to pick up my Bible again
8. For all the help, comfort & more especially in what seemed such a busy stressful upsetting week
Saturday, January 7, 2012
yada-yada-yada
i am supposed to be working right now, to tie up some loose ends before a crazy day of work tomorrow but i am too stressed and too upset to focus. i need to vent. Ive been eating snacking munching a lot lately, something i noticed i do so often and much, especially when im stressed, sad, bored. but i do not gorge when im happy. right now, i am greedily stuffing London cookies into my mouth, if thats what you call them (thanks tyo Kim whom i havent had the time to reply TQ =( ) i am horrible, ugh.
i really want to cry, yes again and again and again, same old story. i dont know if i feel better after crying, but i do feel the need to cry. i know im just holding everything together by a thread and its gonna snap at anytime soon.
its sad frustrating and thoroughly upsetting. i shouldnt have, but i did and now i regret that i did because i cant feel the same way about things anymore. i know im not entitled to feel this way but sigh. i was really hoping youd be different, the hope. i am so ashamed of something i used to be so proud of. i have already ruined it, i beg you please do not ruin it even further. i had caused enough hurt disappointment and destruction to what used to be perfect in my eyes. you know what i went through, are you really willing to put another and them through the same thing if one single mistake happens? it is one thing to look at it from where you saw things, its another thing completely to actually face it and experience it, i hope you never will. it is not worth it, trust me, too much pain for the so called wow. when that becomes a part of two, especially when things are so fresh, it will never turn out. yes, im a hypocrite, dont like it? sue me.
why do all of you have to be this way? are there no more hopeful ones left?! it is so sad to watch how the world has turned out. it pains me, it really does. i learned it the hard way, i hope no one out there will. hah! fat hope, fat chance. the world is too taken by the demands of the media. to be the exception is such an honor, trust me. if i couldve been the exception, i totally would have. but no, my chance at being the exception was robbed from me and it led me down the dwindling road of self-destruction.
now i grip on to Him and hang on as tightly as possible because i do not want to lose myself again, i do not want to go down the same road again. i must always remind myself that i am a temple of God and that i must respect myself and that the flesh is only but mere pods for the souls. it is sad to watch it become a common thing, what has become of the sacred? what i once thought was everlasting, is now shambled in pieces, just a label, a document, a day. tell me, how can i ever resurrect such hope again? i dont think i can. there are just some things i cannot say.
it pains me to watch everyone else choose the path i once chose and there's nothing i can do about it. its their choice, their lives, they would face the consequences. it is not easy being where i am right now. some say i still have the faraway look, perhaps i still do. i guess i lost a part of me when i when through what i did. i will definitely not be the same again. pain has never felt so intense. memories of old wounds come flashing back. a haunting dark place i never wish to revisit.
so please, i beg all of you out there. STOP. it is not worth it. the pain and hurt and devastation you cause not only to yourself, the other, but everyone else as well. it is however worth the wait, best shared when sacred and stable and love.
i already have trouble forgiving myself, a confession made a gazillion times in hope of repentance. but now even more so. it is no joke when the quote goes "the sins of my father", it troubles me to think how i have tainted the line forever.
okay, i have said way too much about way too may people and way too many things. just one of those rantrave posts yet again. *facepalm* way too stressed, first week of classes start again thus total utter havoc equals wrung thin stressed out me.
PS: i have no idea what ive been gushing up above actually, just kept typing until i could type no more.
i really want to cry, yes again and again and again, same old story. i dont know if i feel better after crying, but i do feel the need to cry. i know im just holding everything together by a thread and its gonna snap at anytime soon.
its sad frustrating and thoroughly upsetting. i shouldnt have, but i did and now i regret that i did because i cant feel the same way about things anymore. i know im not entitled to feel this way but sigh. i was really hoping youd be different, the hope. i am so ashamed of something i used to be so proud of. i have already ruined it, i beg you please do not ruin it even further. i had caused enough hurt disappointment and destruction to what used to be perfect in my eyes. you know what i went through, are you really willing to put another and them through the same thing if one single mistake happens? it is one thing to look at it from where you saw things, its another thing completely to actually face it and experience it, i hope you never will. it is not worth it, trust me, too much pain for the so called wow. when that becomes a part of two, especially when things are so fresh, it will never turn out. yes, im a hypocrite, dont like it? sue me.
why do all of you have to be this way? are there no more hopeful ones left?! it is so sad to watch how the world has turned out. it pains me, it really does. i learned it the hard way, i hope no one out there will. hah! fat hope, fat chance. the world is too taken by the demands of the media. to be the exception is such an honor, trust me. if i couldve been the exception, i totally would have. but no, my chance at being the exception was robbed from me and it led me down the dwindling road of self-destruction.
now i grip on to Him and hang on as tightly as possible because i do not want to lose myself again, i do not want to go down the same road again. i must always remind myself that i am a temple of God and that i must respect myself and that the flesh is only but mere pods for the souls. it is sad to watch it become a common thing, what has become of the sacred? what i once thought was everlasting, is now shambled in pieces, just a label, a document, a day. tell me, how can i ever resurrect such hope again? i dont think i can. there are just some things i cannot say.
it pains me to watch everyone else choose the path i once chose and there's nothing i can do about it. its their choice, their lives, they would face the consequences. it is not easy being where i am right now. some say i still have the faraway look, perhaps i still do. i guess i lost a part of me when i when through what i did. i will definitely not be the same again. pain has never felt so intense. memories of old wounds come flashing back. a haunting dark place i never wish to revisit.
so please, i beg all of you out there. STOP. it is not worth it. the pain and hurt and devastation you cause not only to yourself, the other, but everyone else as well. it is however worth the wait, best shared when sacred and stable and love.
i already have trouble forgiving myself, a confession made a gazillion times in hope of repentance. but now even more so. it is no joke when the quote goes "the sins of my father", it troubles me to think how i have tainted the line forever.
okay, i have said way too much about way too may people and way too many things. just one of those rantrave posts yet again. *facepalm* way too stressed, first week of classes start again thus total utter havoc equals wrung thin stressed out me.
PS: i have no idea what ive been gushing up above actually, just kept typing until i could type no more.
Friday, January 6, 2012
#007/366
I thank God for:
1. Bunny's smiles that tells me i am known and loved and wanted
2. Comforting reassuring helpful colleagues
3. Patient Dad who put up with my tardiness & drove me around
4. All the help i got today
5. actually having things to be thankful for despite a very stressful day
much love =)
1. Bunny's smiles that tells me i am known and loved and wanted
2. Comforting reassuring helpful colleagues
3. Patient Dad who put up with my tardiness & drove me around
4. All the help i got today
5. actually having things to be thankful for despite a very stressful day
much love =)
#006/366
I thank God for:
1. Great conversation into the wee hours of the morning with someone who shares my thoughts exactly.
2. A busy day at work to keep me occupied despite being sleepy.
3. The ability to take the stairs up to office =P
4. Awesome dinner by Mum! (Steak, corn on cob, Caesar salad, soup)
5. An awesome start to the day with smiles aplenty & the tease of a jam before work.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
#005/366
I thank God for:
1. Gifts from my colleagues =) (yes, yet again =P i have awesome colleagues)
2. Mum bringing me home ChaTime
3. Bunny comforted by me
4. Beef Rendang!
5. Time to go online =P
1. Gifts from my colleagues =) (yes, yet again =P i have awesome colleagues)
2. Mum bringing me home ChaTime
3. Bunny comforted by me
4. Beef Rendang!
5. Time to go online =P
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
#004/366
I thank God for:
1. A thoughtful colleague who brought back choc & a purse for me from Paris
2. The chance to spend time with her & hear her giggle
3. Finally getting my diary fillers!
4. Giving me the sense of smell & tantalizing them with the aroma of freshly baked Famous Amos cookies which I love
5. Improving "someone's" mood
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
1. A thoughtful colleague who brought back choc & a purse for me from Paris
2. The chance to spend time with her & hear her giggle
3. Finally getting my diary fillers!
4. Giving me the sense of smell & tantalizing them with the aroma of freshly baked Famous Amos cookies which I love
5. Improving "someone's" mood
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
Monday, January 2, 2012
#003/365
I thank God for:
1. A great afternoon to catch up with my girlfriends + the entertaining "daring Pasar Malam escape" by Chloe
2. A yummy meal with the family
3. Trials to make me more resilient
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
1. A great afternoon to catch up with my girlfriends + the entertaining "daring Pasar Malam escape" by Chloe
2. A yummy meal with the family
3. Trials to make me more resilient
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
Sunday, January 1, 2012
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