yada-yada-yada

i am supposed to be working right now, to tie up some loose ends before a crazy day of work tomorrow but i am  too stressed and too upset to focus. i need to vent. Ive been eating snacking munching a lot lately, something i noticed i do so often and much, especially when im stressed, sad, bored. but i do not gorge when im happy. right now, i am greedily stuffing London cookies into my mouth, if thats what you call them (thanks tyo Kim whom i havent had the time to reply TQ =( ) i am horrible, ugh.

i really want to cry, yes again and again and again, same old story. i dont know if i feel better after crying, but i do feel the need to cry. i know im just holding everything together by a thread and its gonna snap at anytime soon.

its sad frustrating and thoroughly upsetting. i shouldnt have, but i did and now i regret that i did because i cant feel the same way about things anymore. i know im not entitled to feel this way but sigh. i was really hoping youd be different, the hope. i am so ashamed of something i used to be so proud of. i have already ruined it, i beg you please do not ruin it even further. i had caused enough hurt disappointment and destruction to what used to be perfect in my eyes. you know what i went through, are you really willing to put another and them through the same thing if one single mistake happens? it is one thing to look at it from where you saw things, its another thing completely to actually face it and experience it, i hope you never will. it is not worth it, trust me, too much pain for the so called wow. when that becomes a part of two, especially when things are so fresh, it will never turn out. yes, im a hypocrite, dont like it? sue me.

why do all of you have to be this way? are there no more hopeful ones left?! it is so sad to watch how the world has turned out. it pains me, it really does. i learned it the hard way, i hope no one out there will. hah! fat hope, fat chance. the world is too taken by the demands of the media. to be the exception is such an honor, trust me. if i couldve been the exception, i totally would have. but no, my chance at being the exception was robbed from me and it led me down the dwindling road of self-destruction.

now i grip on to Him and hang on as tightly as possible because i do not want to lose myself again, i do not want to go down the same road again. i must always remind myself that i am a temple of God and that i must respect myself and that the flesh is only but mere pods for the souls. it is sad to watch it become a common thing, what has become of the sacred? what i once thought was everlasting, is now shambled in pieces, just a label, a document, a day. tell me, how can i ever resurrect such hope again? i dont think i can. there are just some things i cannot say.

it pains me to watch everyone else choose the path i once chose and there's nothing i can do about it. its their choice, their lives, they would face the consequences. it is not easy being where i am right now. some say i still have the faraway look, perhaps i still do. i guess i lost a part of me when i when through what i did. i will definitely not be the same again. pain has never felt so intense. memories of old wounds come flashing back. a haunting dark place i never wish to revisit.

so please, i beg all of you out there. STOP. it is not worth it. the pain and hurt and devastation you cause not only to yourself, the other, but everyone else as well. it is however worth the wait, best shared when sacred and stable and love.

i already have trouble forgiving myself, a confession made a gazillion times in hope of repentance. but now even more so. it is no joke when the quote goes "the sins of my father", it troubles me to think how i have tainted the line forever.

okay, i have said way too much about way too may people and way too many things. just one of those rantrave posts yet again. *facepalm* way too stressed, first week of classes start again thus total utter havoc equals wrung thin stressed out me.

PS: i have no idea what ive been gushing up above actually, just kept typing until i could type no more.