Mind Games

Criminal Minds every Monday, though i love it, i also hate it. Why? Cause it forces me, or rather, it leads me to over analyze my life, my experiences and my own personality. I cannot help but feel so raw and exposed after each episode.

It makes me wonder what sort of person am I? what sort of live am i leading? Is my past really shaping who I am today? If yes, for better or for worse? Which controls the better of me- Nature or nurture? I'd like to think that i have a resilient personality with such a warm loving supportive family so i'd never go wrong. BUt each time i watch Criminal Minds, I'm not too sure. Yes, its all fiction, yet dont forget, the fiction they create are based on real life stories or situations.

With everything that has happened, im surprised im not cuckooed somewhere in my head. Its scary to see what or how the past can change someone to be someone completely different. I'm so afraid i might snap one day, and no one will know me anymore, not even myself. I'm so scared that because of me and what Ive been through, instead of passing on strength, id be passing on a whole bunch of psycho traits.  I'm so afraid history will repeat itself, and if it ever does (*touch wood* i hope it never does, ever!), i dont think i would be able to take it. i keep asking myself what the final straw would be, i have the strongest feeling, that this would be it. though it may not be my fault, i will feel guilty and find it super hard to forgive myself for not putting a stop to it in the first place.

Ive been through it, you name it, i probably have gone through it. Thank God ive never turned to drugs or suicide though. The thoughts had haunted me once, but thank God, I clung onto my Saviour and i never went to that extreme. You know how they say the abused will end up abusing? By golly, does abusing one's self count? Cause i most certainly havent appreciated myself in the past, and i can see why i was left where i am today.

Are there reasons for my actions? Were there reasons for my actions? Or was it my fault that i chose such a road? or was i pre-destined to choose such a road? an underlying reason that gave way to such self-destructive behaviour? Looking for love in all teh wrong places? trying to fill a gap? but what gap exactly? i thought i had everything? why would i need anything else? What dont i know about myself? or what am i suppressing?

it makes me realize that i have grudges against certain people because they remind me of myself and i dont like myself so much, at least the destructive self i mean. ive been through a whole lot of shit and i do not wish for anyone else to go through the same. but then again, who am i to say? hypocrite much then? i only hope they learn their lesson faster than me, before its too late. i was blessed to have a great outcome, but it may not be the same for others. no, i am not trying to say im some special exclusive, but im just saying take care of yourself.

my experiences have made it very hard for me to trust anyone else, men in general really. i feel like there is no hope in that area. they only seem to go after one thing, and its sad really. what happened to chivalry and gentlemen? Hah.. a myth? a legend perhaps? Or maybe this is just me being in denial about how i really feel in reality, which is a good thing i think, because accepting how i feel wont make a difference, so better to keep denying and pushing it out of the way. After all, being out of sight makes it slightly easier to be out of mind, which in turn also makes it easier to keep any action out too. plus, the fact that i used to drown my sorrows at the bottom of the bottle and end up doing stuff that i really shouldnt have, i now cant, so its all good. im safe.

i dont know how the future will be and honestly, im trying not to think about it. i doubt it will come looking for me anytime soon, perhaps even never. so right now, im focused on the here and now and present. i will make do of the best ive got and appreciate myself more. with God, family and friends who love me and care about me, i can overcome any "pre-destined" paths. it may be written in the stars, but i choose whats to be written!

okays, ranted long enough, doubt i even wrote about what i actuually wanted to write about in the first place. not sure if i feel better after writing all this, but oh well. venting is a good thing. better out than in =P

goodnight all. off to bed now.