rantrave

I have a feeling that this blog will end up to be a sad pathetic rantrave blog like my old one. Anyway, yes, here I am ranting again. I am supposed to update BunnyBlog but I don't want to blog in such a mood there, would rather blog in happier mood.

I am sad. Its hard, I don't tell anyone. I'm pathetic. I bet Mum would say shut up,stop blogging about things so publicly & move on. If only it were that easy. I've shut up before about worse things & it ate me alive. I will not put myself through the same thing again. Better out than in. I don't care who reads this or what people want to think or assume from this, I just need somewhere to vent. (PS: Mum wouldn't say shutup literally, she'd have more tact =P)

I don't know what to think about things anymore, nor do I know how to feel. I know I'm numbing myself again cause there are some things that hurt to look & I can barely stomach the sight or thought of it. I feel bad that I feel this way but hey, can't blame experience for the bitterness in me. As much as I'd love to harbor hope, its a dead forgotten pessimistic place for me now.

I really should get a grip on myself, rein myself in a bit more just so my fingers won't be so itchy as to torture my brain with a gazillion nonsensical rubbish. I really should try to be more positive & give out the happy aura, wouldn't want to be growing up in a bad influential environment now, would we?

Anyway, just so you know, this whole post is one of those sleepy lack of proper rest that led to emotional buildup dam bursting forth with tangled mess of thoughts post. Goodnight.... Yada-yada-yada...
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

self-insomniac

don't bother.nostalgia.

after all these months,
one would think it would've been forgotten
spewed anger frustration hurt and pain
after all, the new had reigned supreme
the old should be locked away and buried
yet in the corner of the closet
lay the memories returned
unwilling to be revisited
for fear of the emotions unfurl
yet time and again
the flashbacks on constant replay
the questions surge with ferocity
barging into every area
creeping and seeping into every corner
one cannot help forget
but instead always remember
no, never could forget
when given a lifetime of remembrance
so like a broken record, it plays
on and on repeatedly
everyday to be missed
every second wonder
are the thoughts likewise
is the existence known
if only for a word or two
the very sound, a second of voice
terribly missing
never stopped loving
the pain, the hurt, the sting, the hollow
perhaps a constant battle
a struggle, a fight to the finish
to keep a lid on things
never to be mentioned again
or even thought of again
if only one knew
the agony of the unknowing
or perhaps this is for the better
as brutal truth may end in shreds
ever so tempting to make a connection
but barred but promises made
held back by fear of rejection
one cannot bear another round of insults
nor empty words of care
this by far will haunt forever
please Lord, give strength.

Mandy, you are pathetic.

of waterfall braids & Konad nails

i pampered Kaylyn today! & it was a release for me as well cause i missed braiding & i most definitely miss painting my own nails! =(

The Waterfall Braid (much ado on Tumblr)... cant do it for myself yet though =(

Back

Side

pure crap

i don't think id ever dare fall again
the last was just too deep
and i was free falling
into the bottom of the pit
that i couldnt get back up
couldnt even breathe

the pain from falling cut too deep
left a hidden scar
that concealed the open wound
i doubt id find another
to fill the empty space

im way too scared now
don't want to fall again
hurt way too many times
this time seals the numbness
i cant feel nothing at all
im pushing it all away

i dont think i could hear
stories of another
all happy and content
my life spent wondering
where it all went wrong
right from the very beginning
shouldve known better
this was different
nothing comes close

i fight the battle within me
i struggle with myself
i dont want to be weak
if only it were hate
perhaps this is my sentence
forever longing the elusive

how do they do it?
why do they care?
don't they know its bulls*it?
there's really nothing there
the illusion of complete
is really just a scare
who am i trying to kid?
i too once had a share

no more hopeless romantic
just another love critic
call me pessimistic
no longer optimistic

GET THESE THOUGHTS OUTTA MY HEAD!!! *#@*!

The Materialistic Girl's Christmas Wishlist

i know its a tad bit too near to Christmas and anyone buying me gifts would have already done so, but this is still fun to create anyway =)

1. Scrapbook materials (Paper & Stickers) - Baby themes especially
2. Diary Planner/ Refills - much needed for work
3. Nail Polish - no such thing as too many
4. Books
5. Thomas Sabo charm - Nail Polish, Peace
6. A mug for work
7. Board Games - Pictionary Card, PickUpSticks, 
8. Wallet - Small yet lots of card compartments
9. External Hard disk - got too many photos! need storage!
10. Moolah!

Thank you everyone in advance =)

a rough day

where are you?

one of those rough days
one of those days i feel incompetent
the day that im feeling useless
the day that im being very hard on myself
doubting my every sense
i don't like myself very much today

lets hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Bunny Blog

i haven't been updating here much

simply because i manage another blog

on a daily basis

-a Bunny blog =)

[let me know if you want the add]