Commandments of The Other

1. You cease to exist unless beckoned.
2. You do not initiate contact unless contacted.
3. You erase all evidence of existence.
4. You do not make known acknowledgment.
5. You accept your place of no place at all.
6. You play to every whim & fancy as subjected to.
7. You feign emotions & reactions to suit each arising situation.
8. You show no emotion once left.
9. You make no demands or requests unless they are asked of you to be made.
10. You will always be "the other" unless YOU put a stop to it.

Don't be played for a fool. Don't mistake advances for affection. Don't lose yourself to be someone/something you're not. Don't give in. Don't sacrifice yourself for stones when you're meant for precious gems.

I thank God.

Hopeless & Overwhelmed

I used to know who I was. At least I thought I did. Damnit! It's been 2/3 years already & I'm still missing the me I was when I was with you. I was the best I could be. I'm so angry & so scared that I'll never be her again.

I was so happy. I looked forward to my everyday. I was motivated to look good & feel good & i felt good & confident in my own skin. Right now, I'm so upset with myself that I'm letting myself slip further & further away.

And it kills me to no end that I don't feel that way about her now. I love her to bits & I don't miss her & I don't feel sad when she's not around. I'm supposed to feel better. She completes me. But I don't & it upsets me.

I had plans. I wanted to be the supermom who was active & participative in her daughter's life. Instead it's evident how "big" a role I'm playing when she often chooses Dad over me. I don't know how to entertain my own daughter.

I don't know how to cope with the years to come. I know I can & I know I will. But the very thought of it overwhelms me. I have so much to do, so much I want to do. But I just feel so hopeless & overwhelmed by everything that I don't know where to start that I eventually just give up altogether.

Anyway, I'm alright, I will be alright! I'll make sure of that. It's just been awhile since I had a random burst of rant. Now I just hope my eyes don't puff up tomorrow eh? =P

Goodnight.

Feels So Good

Run your fingers through my hair
Send the shivers up my spine
The tingle along my skin
Make me come undone
Lose myself in the ecstasy
I beg you don't stop
The irony of your touch
I feel the tug along my scalp
Your nails tracing lines
No where near
Yet so very good
The sensation crawling
From my head to my toes
Spreading like wild fire
Heat prickling my goosebumps
Oh so sensitive you've made me
The slightest touch, mmm
I surrender to you
Makes me want to shut my eyes
Just to lavish my reaction
My whole body tenses
And relaxes all at the same time
It feels so good
I cannot withstand it

Fairly warned
Thats my weak spot

little girl being tipsy

underestimated more often than not
the number don't mean shit
cause none counted
except perhaps one or two
dont know nothing?
dont damn judge

i cant change who i was
i cant change what happened to me
i cant change who i am
its all a part of me.

but the choice is mine
so as much as i feel it
i choose otherwise
but the truth remains within me
i know it for myself

so this is my ultimate sacrifice
the biggest not so secret secret i keep

lets just make one thing clear
i dont go after those who are taken
pfft, dont insult me in thinking that way
i know how to have a good time
but i darn well know my boundaries
so others better darn well know them too

xoxo

Project Unbreakable

I am one of those Project Unbreakable Individuals. I too am a survivor..or so I think.

Unlike them, I can't quote what was said. I don't remember what was said. I don't think anything was even said. Even if stuff were said, I think I could have pushed it way below my consciousness. Stored it locked up deep in the corners of my mind. It's like a blurry memory I don't want to remember. It's like an out of body experience where you feel like it happened but at the same time it felt like it happened to someone else & not you.

Unlike them, I cannot speak out. There are too many factors to consider, too many risks. It doesn't feel worth speaking out about.

A decade may have gone by and I've overcome it, but the effect still lingers up to today. I am certainly not the same girl, and I believe that it is what made me who I am today.

Unlike them, I can't specify a time or place or date. It wasn't a one time thing where I can just get traumatized by it and suffer for the rest of my life. I think it's worse when it was an ongoing prolonged thing.

I don't know what's worse; asking myself if it was my fault or dismissing it that it wasn't.

Some people say I'm strong. Some people say I asked for it and I deserved it. Some people say I had a choice.

When you've been under the influence so much, you start to wonder who's the real you & what were your real motives. Did you try to put a stop? Did you encourage it? Did you enjoy it? Did you delude yourself? Did you provoke it? Were you proud of yourself? Or were you brainwashed so much that you lost yourself from that time on? Did you deserve it?

Until today, I still shudder at the thought of it. I don't know how people live with themselves carrying a secret like this, cause I know it weighs me down. I bet it's relief that I've shut up for so long, I bet it's nothing to be concerned about; I'm not so heartless & selfish to tear people's lives apart. I'm not so heartless & selfish to have done something like that to a growing girl.

I cannot tell my story, and i will not. But I hope if ever it sees the light of day, people would forgive me and try to understand what I went through before judging me on my actions.

So that's my story for now. I hope others would have greater courage than me. My heart and salutation goes out to those Project Unbreakable survivors who took a stand and voiced out, thank you for your strength and courage! You truly are an inspiration!