Internal Struggle

Lord, at this time, I need You so desperately. It hurts so much yet I cannot do anything about it. I cannot tell or talk to anyone about it. I feel like I'm going mad with this silence. I'm hoping it's just cause of the monthly hormonal imbalance and that it'll pass soon. I cannot withstand the guilt and frustration eating away at me. Every day is a struggle with myself to maintain my composure, bite on my tongue & pull myself together. It stings every single time. And to think I really do try, I really try to make an effort but it never works out. Everything just keeps backfiring in my face like everything is always my fault or I'm always never good enough, always never try hard enough, never live life hard enough. I keep so many damn painful secrets to myself to spare others the hurt, the wreckage it'll cause & yet I'm constantly judged by it. Maybe it's really my fault. Maybe I'm too laid back, maybe I'm just too slow or too dumb or lack in so many ways and areas that I'll never amount to anything. I feel like everything is pulled out from under me. Heck, I thought I survived when my past is over, but I guess life doesn't stop throwing you curveballs. It it's once or twice, hey, I could live with it. But when it feels like all your life?? *gasps for air* I need it to stop & I don't know how. I don't have much time & I don't want it to continue this way. I miss the old days, I miss when I was something worthy. I guess things change with age & that's just nature taking its course & I cannot do anything about it but to accept it. Hah! I can only imagine how others would think if I spoke of it, it wouldn't be fair & I wouldn't want to paint such a picture. Things are not as easy at it looks & to think, with each day that I keep this to myself, the sins I accumulate against me grows. Lord, please send Your intervention. I love too much, so much it hurts.

Unworthy

They say trials are supposed to make you stronger. So I'm not one of those poverty stricken people starving for basic needs nor am I one of those who lack company or love. Yet I've been through a whole lot & I don't feel the least bit strong. I can convince myself for awhile that I'm ok & I'll be okay, but I know that there's a nagging feeling at the back of my mind or the pit of my stomach that'll always haunt me. Why is it that we only remember the negative & not the positive? Countless people have complimented me & believed in me, yet I struggle to believe the same for myself. All I ever remember is you're nothing, you're useless, you're ugly, you're fat, you're not good enough, you're always doing wrong, you're never right, you're always a failure.

I've had numerous cliques of friends but never really felt like I fit in. After all I'm never good at keeping in touch. Plus now with everyone having their own lives, I wouldn't wanna impose. I feel so desperate and needy that I'd want to spend more time with people doing stuff like movies or sports or shopping when I'm sure they have plans of their own. Or if people ask me out, I'm now in a whole other level where they're like she's too busy, too snooty, she's got a baby, it's too troublesome.

Heck I survived the dark days of my past & survived depression! But the effects still take place until now & the me I am today is very much shaped by what had happened. Numerous tries to breakaway & create a new me have failed successfully, sigh. I can't look at myself without feeling ashamed. I can't have a proper relationship without screwing it up.

I feel like i always have to live up to something or someone other than myself. Like I can never be satisfied with myself. I would convince myself to be happy with the way I look then someone would pass me by and I'd be wishing I looked more like her. Or wishing that I had something to offer that people would be interested in me. I can't carry a conversation like normal people do. I often say the dumbest things or the most sarcastic or the most insensitive thing that people would often be offended or disgusted and stop contacting me.

I'm not talented in anything. I never seem to complete any task I start on. I have so many ideas to do so much yet I don't have the courage or guts to do anything cause I'm so afraid id mess up & screw everything up. I'm not pretty & I need makeup to feel good that I look good yet I'm no good at makeup. I don't have any artistic or musical or sports talent or capability. Everything I wanna be is who I can never be.

I don't even know what job is suitable for me. And everyone has opinions of what is best for me. I can't pursue risky jobs cause I need a fixed stable income for Faith. I'm not daring enough to pursue higher level positions cause I don't think I'm capable enough. I seem to make enough mistakes at the current workplace. Yet I desperately need more income.

I know I sound so self conceited & selfish & snobbish right now. I know I sound so ungrateful towards God for I'm made in His likeness yet sometimes I'm so ashamed to be called His cause I feel like I'm so unworthy. I know I have wonderful support of family & friends I can count and rely on but something is not right with me & I don't know what. I took psychology for a selfish reason, I thought I could help myself but I can't seem to. I just don't know what to do with myself. Perhaps I really am psycho. I just feel so horrible, as a mother, daughter, friend, even more so as a creation. I feel so unworthy.