Internal Struggle

Lord, at this time, I need You so desperately. It hurts so much yet I cannot do anything about it. I cannot tell or talk to anyone about it. I feel like I'm going mad with this silence. I'm hoping it's just cause of the monthly hormonal imbalance and that it'll pass soon. I cannot withstand the guilt and frustration eating away at me. Every day is a struggle with myself to maintain my composure, bite on my tongue & pull myself together. It stings every single time. And to think I really do try, I really try to make an effort but it never works out. Everything just keeps backfiring in my face like everything is always my fault or I'm always never good enough, always never try hard enough, never live life hard enough. I keep so many damn painful secrets to myself to spare others the hurt, the wreckage it'll cause & yet I'm constantly judged by it. Maybe it's really my fault. Maybe I'm too laid back, maybe I'm just too slow or too dumb or lack in so many ways and areas that I'll never amount to anything. I feel like everything is pulled out from under me. Heck, I thought I survived when my past is over, but I guess life doesn't stop throwing you curveballs. It it's once or twice, hey, I could live with it. But when it feels like all your life?? *gasps for air* I need it to stop & I don't know how. I don't have much time & I don't want it to continue this way. I miss the old days, I miss when I was something worthy. I guess things change with age & that's just nature taking its course & I cannot do anything about it but to accept it. Hah! I can only imagine how others would think if I spoke of it, it wouldn't be fair & I wouldn't want to paint such a picture. Things are not as easy at it looks & to think, with each day that I keep this to myself, the sins I accumulate against me grows. Lord, please send Your intervention. I love too much, so much it hurts.