self-doubt

I've always thought of myself as strong. Ive been through so much, im quite surprised im still around. I have God to thank for that. That no matter what happened, i somehow pulled through and managed to get myself together and assure myself that I'm going to be alright.

Yet tonight, i find myself crumbling again. The recent events make me doubt myself so much that i dont even know myself. if im not careful, i can bet you my depression would come back, but stemmed from different reasons this time. Anyway, it wont, cause my bundle of joy keeps it away.

Ive grown accustomed or deaf to people's snide remarks over me over the years. Say what you want, i know who i am and what you say dont matter. However, when one too many people say the same thing about me, it makes me question myself if thats truly who i am. So it really hurt that day when someone commented on my parenting skill. I fought so damn hard for her and i loved her from the very start and i want the best for her. Yet what was said that day made me crash so hard. Am i really whats best for her? Its as though my whole being was reduced to a few snide remarks that i wasnt fit to be a parent because i couldnt even look after myself.

Its so tough to stand up tall and try my best when everyone around me is stepping on me and pinning me down to the ground. There is no compassion, no chance, no patience. Its frustrating and its getting to me because i find myself more moody and sullen with each passing day. It feels like a losing battle and Ive got no way out just yet.

I cant seem to carry out proper conversations anymore without making a fool of myself. I dont feel like doing anything or meeting anyone simply because i find myself so utterly dull. i want to feel a drive a purpose. I dont want to feel fat and ugly anymore. i dont want to feel broken anymore. i dont want to feel everything i used to feel anymore. why cant i just be happy with myself? why cant i just stop the pretence? why cant i stop the mask? why cant i just stop trying so hard and just be me??

Im just exhausted with everything thats been going on and i needed to rant. I apologize for yet another pointless emo post. tonight's just one of those nights where the memories come back to haunt me and i find myself so hollow with a gazillion emotions and questions wanting to torture and torment my already heavily burdened mind and heavy heart. I know im troubled because ive been dreaming. Dreams are no good in my dictionary because i dont normally dream.

Anyway, im hoping this let everything out blogpost would help ease my mind and heart in one way or another.