I am intrigued, yes I am. Everything is all too familiar, it both amuses me yet it stings too. The battle I thought long forgotten and buried, now resurrected within my mind. I am thankful that nothing turns into reality, that these are just fantasies of created memories replaying in my mind, haunting me from the back of my mind. Yet, a part of me longs for the realization of such things. The curiosity is killing the cat.
Everything speak volumes to me, heightening every inch of my skin. I don't know if I should smirk & laugh, or to be ashamed that I am more than fully aware of these things. My mind betrays me & leads me to dark forbidden places. The guilt follows closely behind (Hah! pun unintended, sorry, joke within myself).
Ironic how the very thing that hurts me is also the very thing that molded me, the very thing that empowers me is also the very thing that shreds me apart. I am both frightened and ignited by the same thing. The push and the pull beckons to me, a tiring battle that both frustrates me & sparks my determination. Both the greatest sense of control & accomplishment is also the greatest sense of helplessness & weakness.
How easily I notice the signs, how easily I respond, how easily to slip. Yet, I am utterly stubborn, determined & resolute not to give in. It takes great effort to shut off a radar that comes so naturally to me. I want nothing more & can settle for something like this, or so I think, perhaps I am weak & in need of something much more. After all, most of our actions are dictated by our emotions & how does one function without emotions getting involved?
*i fell asleep* Goodness, the things that go through my mind just before I sleep. Oh well. Fancy read eh? =P
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