Sure, I miss the old days, the people, the memories. and yes, sometimes, it hits me like the bricks and i find myself in that all too familiar place of pitbottom. yet, for the most part, I just don't think about it, I make excuses to push the thoughts away, I create new thoughts to replace the old thoughts.
People say I should feel hurt, pain, anger, regret and all that, yet I do not. There is no denying I was hurt, yet I understood the circumstances, I accepted it and though I wish things were different, I am okay with right now. How I felt didnt change, I still feel the same despite all that has happened. I guess somethings just dont, and they follow you the rest of your life, especially when youve got such a vivid reminder to bring the familiar back to you. Yet, instead of pining and upsetting myself, I move on, I thank God, I move forward. It was great to have the past, yet the past was not meant for my future. I wish the past well, that the past no longer harbor negativity over what had happened as I understand and hope the best for the future.
I may have been trained to solidify myself since the "past" so that when the new past came, it wouldnt affect me too bad and bring me back to the dungeons of despair. I guess what keeps me going are the people around me. I wish not to hurt others, I wish the best for those who wish the best for me and I make do with myself just so I wont hurt them anymore than I would myself. If i suffered alone, it would probably be hard, yet because otehrs may suffer with me too if i suffer, i make do and be happy. I know Im not making much sense with all the hidden meanings and general talk, but hey, this is how i rant and rave for myself, remember?
There's no denying I still look back on my past, check on how the present and future are doing. yet what strikes me is that i dont feel sad angry or hurt about it anymore. I used to, i used to think its unfair if the past moved on without me while i was still stuck there. But now, its got an interesting twist to it, the fact that its better to let go for happiness, than to cling on and cause unhappiness. So yes, so long as the past is happy, im happy. whats even better is, the past doesnt have what i have to look forward, I have my future and it is my very reason for living. Indeed, it was God's plan for me, knowing it had been the path i wanted from the very beginning of time, and he had blessed me with such an angel.
Smoe call me a pushover, because i dont get mad at people for injustice held against me. honestly, i dont really care. most of the time, if i do get mad or upset, its not cause they have hurt me, but it would be just me being frustrated at myself or upset over their situation.
however, dont get me wrong. i still stumble and fall evry now and then. it sjust that i always thought i was a weak noe who would always fall or cry herself to sleep and pretend that everything is okay. yet, today, I am surprised that i AM okay and will BE okay. I am stronger than i ever thought i was. and guess what? I love myself! for once in my life, i truly really genuinely love myself! HOpe everyone loves themselves too.
Anyway, i guess you get my drift. this is my few cents worth of thoughts.
I've known you for years, darl, and you've been nothing but strong. We all have our ways of coping and there's no way to say one's better than the other. Stay strong. I think you're doing just fine , if not great.
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