It was the first time I made up so heavily on my own & with the dress, I actually felt quite good about myself, though not in the purest of ways. The adrenaline coursing through my veins with whatever I had in mind. My intentions were not too pure that night either though. I set out to cause jealousy, I set out to cause hurt & I set out to show retaliation.
It took everything within me to act indifferent. It took everything within me not to crack & give in. It took everything within me to show that it didn't "affect" me & that I could "make it" on my own. I wanted to show that I was firm in my decisions & stuck my guns. I wanted to show that no one was going to be the boss of me.
My friends said plenty that night. They supported me when I told them of my decision & were looking out for me that night. My friends later told me I was quite cruel to act the way I did, to feign ignorance the whole night when it was clear how much damage I was causing. What they didn't realize was how much I was hurting behind everything.
I was aware that I was a complete wreck that night, acting like a fool but that is how I am, I am self-destructive when I'm hurt & boy, was I hurt big time that night. Despite the "bravado", I caved & I cried. It must've been one heck of a dramatic sight to see an intoxicated girl trying her best to ignore yet tears were streaming down her face while she was both smiling & angry. So much so that I had several people check up on me.
I'm really sorry I pushed the limits that night. I was just so hurt & so angry that I felt so much yet nothing worked out & it always led back to the losing game. I pulled out all my cards that night & laid all my worst ones down. All for the sake of causing hurt. Though it hurt me to see the plan work, I did it anyway. I'm so sorry. I say, I wouldn't go to such lengths if I didn't care so much, as much as I did. But I cared so much that it hurt.
I guess everything that was said about me were true & thus I always always had the losing hand & there was never anything I could do about it. Not then, not ever, for I was forever tainted. What hurt the most was that instead of making amends & understanding where my intentions came from, as with everyone else before, turned the tables on me & led me back to square one.
I didn't care anymore after that, I just wanted back. No one else mattered, the dirty questioning laser stares didn't matter, the drinks didn't matter, the music didn't matter. Nothing mattered but the reason for what caused my emotional roller coaster that night in the first place. & within that very moment I was happy, I felt contented, I felt fulfilled & I felt complete.
What sucks right now is that it had always been like that. There was always a good when there was a bad & a bad when there was a good. There was always a happy moment when there was a sad moment & a sad moment when there was a happy moment. There was always hope when it was hopeless & hopeless where there was hope. I guess it'll always be parallel, both existing hand in hand in the same balance but never crossing paths.
Bittersweet, forever bittersweet.
Tonight,ifmy&ifh ='(
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