Rant Session July 2019

Hello. It's been awhile. I need to get it out. So I'm just gonna rant again. I think it's because the time of month is coming or cause I'm falling sick or cause I'm tired or cause I've got too much on my plate or just cause it's something that happens every now and then.

Looking at those around me, I think I'm the one with the issues. Everyone else seems to be mixing around well, I just don't fit in. I never do. Since forever. Perhaps that's just how I'm meant to be or how I've kept myself. I don't know how to function in a social environment.

Maybe it's all my unresolved issues. Maybe it's everything eating away at me from inside. Maybe it's all the scars I've borne since forever. Maybe it's me rebelling against my name that I am unworthy of anything or anyone.

Maybe it hurts that everyone else seem to be living their lives tremendously well and I'm just the hypocrite faking it. Maybe I got triggered cause my colleague asked me to volunteer as his counselling client to help him with his hours. I know I need counselling, I've stayed away cause I know I have too many unresolved issues. I've kept myself together all these years without counselling, I certainly can continue keeping myself together. So when the time comes, I gotta come up with another insignificant issue in my life just to hide the bigger issues.

Maybe it's cause I keep attracting the wrong crowd and giving off the wrong vibes about myself. Or maybe it's really me and I'm just psycho like that. Broken beyond repair. Or maybe it's to prove a point to myself and bring myself down yet another step to say that yeah, you're worthless.

Others keep saying I always have a smile on my face. Others have also said I'm forever sleepy. Others have also said I'm God-fearing. All of which are true. The smile plastered on my face conceals the turmoil within me. I'm forever exhausted because of lack of sleep or emotionally or mentally or simply cause I can't deal with reality and I'm escaping. God is the only thing I'm hanging onto cause I can't rely on anything or anyone else without potentially hurting them or myself in the process. If I lose my faith, that really would be the end of me.

It struck me today that why should I bother keeping a diary or a blog. It's not like I'm living a life worth remembering. I don't think I'm even doing right as a mother to my own child. I love her fiercely but everyday is a struggle with myself whether I'm worthy of her. I fear and feel so disappointed in myself that she had a mother like me. Once again, maybe it's me proving a point to myself that I'm worthless like that.

I know others have it much worse than me. Everyone has their own struggles. But to each one's own eh? One man's meat is another man's poison. Maybe I'm just selfish this way.

I think I've ranted enough. Hope no one bothered reading until the end. These are just empty poisonous words that I had to get out of my system. I should be a-okay again after this.

Midnight Ramblings

Exposed at such a tender age

Beyond comprehension taken under

To hear such a story would fill you with rage

Would make you want to pillage and plunder

Repeatedly for so many years

Unbeknownst to anyone hushed

Shed much too many tears

Yet silenced and shushed

Groomed and conditioned 

All ripened for plucking 

Yet to no one mentioned

All poised for fucking

Denial and lies

Refused to believe

How times flies 

Reality no relieve 

Such persistence

Such reluctance

Such insistence

Such resistance 

Surrender at last

Efforts unravelled

Cave in a must 

Till efforts paralleled 

Things I’ve Been Told

I have been told to be content with what I have. I have been told to step out of my comfort zone.
I have been told to venture out. I have been told to stick to the norm.
I have been told to try new things. I have been told to stick to what I know.
I have been told to dream big. I have been told to be realistic.
I have been told to be silent. I have been told to be vocal.
I have been told to be modest. I have been told to be wild.
I have been told to be obedient. I have been told to be rebellious.
I have been told I'm loved beyond measure. I have been told I'm impossible to love.
I have been told I am pretty. I have been told I'm fat.
I have been told to be careful. I have been told to throw caution to the wind.
I have been told to stay true firm in my beliefs. I have been told to change with the times.
I have been told to be outspoken. I have been told not to be rude.
I have been told to be true to myself. I have been told to fake it until you make it.

With everything everyone else tells me and what I tell myself, it's no wonder I feel like I'm stretched beyond my limits. I understand I need to be adaptable, but where do I draw the line before I lose myself completely? I find myself constantly changing to meet everyone else's needs and keep myself afloat, who am I really? My weakness is my strength, vice-versa. What I know is what I hate, yet it is what I've perfected and I struggle internally on whether it is a source of pride or shame to have such notches in my life.

So tell me, who do you want me to become today? I'll perfect that role especially if it'll fail me.

Because some days I feel like crying...

It’s been awhile. I know. I find myself torn in two, in both relief and dread that I’m writing again. Relief that I’m doing something to vent, dread that I even needed to vent in the first place. 

Even after all these years, you’d think I’d get used to it by now. But the dull ache still throbs under my skin. The tears still threaten to spill forth. The wrath and hatred still brewing within me. And the worst part is, all of which are directed to no one else but me. 

Recent trigger, I realised, is a book I just finished. Reading it left a distaste in my mouth thinking how the male lead kept saying “You will do this for me because you know you want to,” and the female lead despite not wanting to do it will end up doing it because she knows deep down that she does want to. That somehow she knows he knows better than her but refuses to admit it. 

I find it disturbing that I could relate to the character in so many ways, more than one. I guess that was what drew me to read the book in the first place. I tried to comfort myself (or delude myself) that at least I wasn’t obsessed with counting, at least I could still socialise. I also pushed it out of my mind how close to the edge I could go if I let my guard down. 

This month has been a struggle with coming to terms with myself, the beliefs that I hold close to my heart and the lies I tell myself to persevere through each day. It’s struggling to keep myself held together and not crumble apart. Cause I find it safer to be numb and indifferent, just gotta keep myself distracted for the most part.

And with that, so ends my rant. I guess negativity is still ingrained within me. I still strive to find the silver lining every time. 

Triggers

It still hurts me until today
It still haunts me until today
I told myself I'll never play victim anymore
But the cycle just doesn't seem to stop
I hate that it has shaped me to be who I am today
I may have come out stronger
I may have survived
But the effects don't seem to wear off

I try to stay strong
I try to find reason for living
I try to take pride in myself
But i find myself making the same mistakes
Over and over again
Knowing how much it hurts me
Yet i seem to take pleasure in torturing myself
I tried cutting several people out of my life
Knowing how much power they hold over me
Yet every now and then, I stand defenseless

I am weakened by their mere presence
And I find myself back where I don't want to

It's as though I'm not me if I'm not like that
It's as though I don't know who to be if I'm not that
I keep myself busy
To keep my mind from wandering
To keep my hopes down
To keep myself afloat and breathing

Try and try and try again
I try so hard to keep forgiving
But I find it oh so difficult
I lose track of whom I'm trying to forgive
Them or myself

I force myself to plaster a smile
Like everything is alright
That it doesn't bring me down anymore
Perhaps that's the anecdote
Lies lies and more lies just to keep myself sane

So I don't know if I'm doing myself more harm or good this way
But it's currently the only way I know.

(Forgive me for this sudden irritating unnecessary rant. I'm sure the haters will have a field day misinterpreting this. Go f*ck yourselves cause I f*ck myself up enough thank you.)