all shades of red

Mind Games

2012-01-17T01:54:00.000+08:00

Criminal Minds every Monday, though i love it, i also hate it. Why? Cause it forces me, or rather, it leads me to over analyze my life, my experiences and my own personality. I cannot help but feel so raw and exposed after each episode.

It makes me wonder what sort of person am I? what sort of live am i leading? Is my past really shaping who I am today? If yes, for better or for worse? Which controls the better of me- Nature or nurture? I'd like to think that i have a resilient personality with such a warm loving supportive family so i'd never go wrong. BUt each time i watch Criminal Minds, I'm not too sure. Yes, its all fiction, yet dont forget, the fiction they create are based on real life stories or situations.

With everything that has happened, im surprised im not cuckooed somewhere in my head. Its scary to see what or how the past can change someone to be someone completely different. I'm so afraid i might snap one day, and no one will know me anymore, not even myself. I'm so scared that because of me and what Ive been through, instead of passing on strength, id be passing on a whole bunch of psycho traits. I'm so afraid history will repeat itself, and if it ever does (*touch wood* i hope it never does, ever!), i dont think i would be able to take it. i keep asking myself what the final straw would be, i have the strongest feeling, that this would be it. though it may not be my fault, i will feel guilty and find it super hard to forgive myself for not putting a stop to it in the first place.

Ive been through it, you name it, i probably have gone through it. Thank God ive never turned to drugs or suicide though. The thoughts had haunted me once, but thank God, I clung onto my Saviour and i never went to that extreme. You know how they say the abused will end up abusing? By golly, does abusing one's self count? Cause i most certainly havent appreciated myself in the past, and i can see why i was left where i am today.

Are there reasons for my actions? Were there reasons for my actions? Or was it my fault that i chose such a road? or was i pre-destined to choose such a road? an underlying reason that gave way to such self-destructive behaviour? Looking for love in all teh wrong places? trying to fill a gap? but what gap exactly? i thought i had everything? why would i need anything else? What dont i know about myself? or what am i suppressing?

it makes me realize that i have grudges against certain people because they remind me of myself and i dont like myself so much, at least the destructive self i mean. ive been through a whole lot of shit and i do not wish for anyone else to go through the same. but then again, who am i to say? hypocrite much then? i only hope they learn their lesson faster than me, before its too late. i was blessed to have a great outcome, but it may not be the same for others. no, i am not trying to say im some special exclusive, but im just saying take care of yourself.

my experiences have made it very hard for me to trust anyone else, men in general really. i feel like there is no hope in that area. they only seem to go after one thing, and its sad really. what happened to chivalry and gentlemen? Hah.. a myth? a legend perhaps? Or maybe this is just me being in denial about how i really feel in reality, which is a good thing i think, because accepting how i feel wont make a difference, so better to keep denying and pushing it out of the way. After all, being out of sight makes it slightly easier to be out of mind, which in turn also makes it easier to keep any action out too. plus, the fact that i used to drown my sorrows at the bottom of the bottle and end up doing stuff that i really shouldnt have, i now cant, so its all good. im safe.

i dont know how the future will be and honestly, im trying not to think about it. i doubt it will come looking for me anytime soon, perhaps even never. so right now, im focused on the here and now and present. i will make do of the best ive got and appreciate myself more. with God, family and friends who love me and care about me, i can overcome any "pre-destined" paths. it may be written in the stars, but i choose whats to be written!

okays, ranted long enough, doubt i even wrote about what i actuually wanted to write about in the first place. not sure if i feel better after writing all this, but oh well. venting is a good thing. better out than in =P

goodnight all. off to bed now.

hating tonight.

2012-01-14T02:21:00.001+08:00

i give up.

some nights remind me of why some nights hurt. with everything that goes on around me, who do i turn to in the end? someone to pour out my heart to, without worrying who it may hurt or where it may carry. knowing that my secret's safe with that someone, that i can trust the person enough to just let it all out.

ive got bones to pick with so many people, i havent even found the funny bone. yet what do i do but shut up grin and act ignorant.

who do i turn to when i want a cuddle or a hug? who do i turn to to talk for hours on end about nothing in particular? whose hand do i hold? who do i seek first when i have news to share? whom can i be open with without being judged or sympathized?

nights like these make me miss. nights like this make it painful. nights like this reminds me. nights like this are difficult.

today the charm broke. i guess its a sign. part of me is trying to ignore the who and focus on just how pretty it looks in my room. part of me clings on to what it once meant to me. part of me thought it could've been a symbol of protection over us from where one cannot be, an eye kept watch over us for well wishes. for the most part, it just looked pretty and i had really liked it. now its broken, seems lke a part of me broke as well. will this feeling ever end?

it sucks. i dont want to hear about everyone else. i dont want to hear about me. i dont want to hear about who or what or when. if only to be a recluse and disappear, perhaps i am worth more hidden? out of sight, out of trouble. To be out of sight, somewhat makes it easier to be out of mind, for the most part at least, but it doesnt mean complete disappearance.

i cant talk to just anyone. no one understands. if i talk to someone, it might affect them. the last i would want to do is burden anyone else. yet, i wish not to talk to those.

some nights just make me want to curl up and go to sleep. just to block out all the thoughts from haunting me. i dont wnat to remember cause all i remember are the good days and the good days hurt most because the good days were when i was happiest or so i thought. i dont want to think anymore, i dont want to replay. i want to move on and forget the rest away. dont let me hang on, dont let me cling on. let me let go, let me go.

some nights are just f-ed.

stronger

2012-01-12T00:58:00.002+08:00

I surprise myself sometimes with the strength I never knew I possessed. Either that, or I am really good at suppressing my feelings. Or, I have the most amazing support of loved ones around me.

Sure, I miss the old days, the people, the memories. and yes, sometimes, it hits me like the bricks and i find myself in that all too familiar place of pitbottom. yet, for the most part, I just don't think about it, I make excuses to push the thoughts away, I create new thoughts to replace the old thoughts.

People say I should feel hurt, pain, anger, regret and all that, yet I do not. There is no denying I was hurt, yet I understood the circumstances, I accepted it and though I wish things were different, I am okay with right now. How I felt didnt change, I still feel the same despite all that has happened. I guess somethings just dont, and they follow you the rest of your life, especially when youve got such a vivid reminder to bring the familiar back to you. Yet, instead of pining and upsetting myself, I move on, I thank God, I move forward. It was great to have the past, yet the past was not meant for my future. I wish the past well, that the past no longer harbor negativity over what had happened as I understand and hope the best for the future.

I may have been trained to solidify myself since the "past" so that when the new past came, it wouldnt affect me too bad and bring me back to the dungeons of despair. I guess what keeps me going are the people around me. I wish not to hurt others, I wish the best for those who wish the best for me and I make do with myself just so I wont hurt them anymore than I would myself. If i suffered alone, it would probably be hard, yet because otehrs may suffer with me too if i suffer, i make do and be happy. I know Im not making much sense with all the hidden meanings and general talk, but hey, this is how i rant and rave for myself, remember?

There's no denying I still look back on my past, check on how the present and future are doing. yet what strikes me is that i dont feel sad angry or hurt about it anymore. I used to, i used to think its unfair if the past moved on without me while i was still stuck there. But now, its got an interesting twist to it, the fact that its better to let go for happiness, than to cling on and cause unhappiness. So yes, so long as the past is happy, im happy. whats even better is, the past doesnt have what i have to look forward, I have my future and it is my very reason for living. Indeed, it was God's plan for me, knowing it had been the path i wanted from the very beginning of time, and he had blessed me with such an angel.

Smoe call me a pushover, because i dont get mad at people for injustice held against me. honestly, i dont really care. most of the time, if i do get mad or upset, its not cause they have hurt me, but it would be just me being frustrated at myself or upset over their situation.

however, dont get me wrong. i still stumble and fall evry now and then. it sjust that i always thought i was a weak noe who would always fall or cry herself to sleep and pretend that everything is okay. yet, today, I am surprised that i AM okay and will BE okay. I am stronger than i ever thought i was. and guess what? I love myself! for once in my life, i truly really genuinely love myself! HOpe everyone loves themselves too.

Anyway, i guess you get my drift. this is my few cents worth of thoughts.

#012/366

2012-01-12T00:05:00.001+08:00

I thank God today for:

1. My ChaTime fix =P
2. The opportunity to pray in the jam
3. Totally helpful understanding colleagues who make me feel so much better about workload
4. The chance to walk around in a shopping mall after what seems forever
5. Forgetting my pendrive at work as a sign that i must sleep soon

Goodnight =)

#011/366

2012-01-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

I thank God for:
1. The hint, opportunity and chance to praise Him in the morning in traffic.
2. Entertaining understanding colleagues who make work fun
3. Allowing me time for myself (manipedi & movie)
4. Everything he keeps reminding me to be thankful for

PS: I miss Bunny =(

#010/366

2012-01-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

I thank God for:

1. Making my mornings superbly special with the antics of Bunny
2. Having a sweet patient Dad who's too cute for words
3. Having colleagues who seem to feel comfortable with me
4. Able to spend time with family
5. Thoughtful friends & family

#008/366 & #009/366

2012-01-09T01:33:00.001+08:00

For these past two days, I thank God for:

1. Stress & busy working days to keep me on my toes
2. Comforting colleagues who kept reassuring me & trying to calm me down
3. Comfort by a reaffirming comment from an anonymous angel & great conversations with two other known angels
4. Moments to make me proud of my special one, especially in church & coming home from work
5. Excitement, support, warmth & the feeling of community as a family in the BEC tea party today.
6. Thoughtful, patient & loving parents.
7. The huge hint by using Aaron to pick up my Bible again
8. For all the help, comfort & more especially in what seemed such a busy stressful upsetting week

yada-yada-yada

2012-01-07T01:47:00.001+08:00

i am supposed to be working right now, to tie up some loose ends before a crazy day of work tomorrow but i am too stressed and too upset to focus. i need to vent. Ive been eating snacking munching a lot lately, something i noticed i do so often and much, especially when im stressed, sad, bored. but i do not gorge when im happy. right now, i am greedily stuffing London cookies into my mouth, if thats what you call them (thanks tyo Kim whom i havent had the time to reply TQ =( ) i am horrible, ugh.

i really want to cry, yes again and again and again, same old story. i dont know if i feel better after crying, but i do feel the need to cry. i know im just holding everything together by a thread and its gonna snap at anytime soon.

its sad frustrating and thoroughly upsetting. i shouldnt have, but i did and now i regret that i did because i cant feel the same way about things anymore. i know im not entitled to feel this way but sigh. i was really hoping youd be different, the hope. i am so ashamed of something i used to be so proud of. i have already ruined it, i beg you please do not ruin it even further. i had caused enough hurt disappointment and destruction to what used to be perfect in my eyes. you know what i went through, are you really willing to put another and them through the same thing if one single mistake happens? it is one thing to look at it from where you saw things, its another thing completely to actually face it and experience it, i hope you never will. it is not worth it, trust me, too much pain for the so called wow. when that becomes a part of two, especially when things are so fresh, it will never turn out. yes, im a hypocrite, dont like it? sue me.

why do all of you have to be this way? are there no more hopeful ones left?! it is so sad to watch how the world has turned out. it pains me, it really does. i learned it the hard way, i hope no one out there will. hah! fat hope, fat chance. the world is too taken by the demands of the media. to be the exception is such an honor, trust me. if i couldve been the exception, i totally would have. but no, my chance at being the exception was robbed from me and it led me down the dwindling road of self-destruction.

now i grip on to Him and hang on as tightly as possible because i do not want to lose myself again, i do not want to go down the same road again. i must always remind myself that i am a temple of God and that i must respect myself and that the flesh is only but mere pods for the souls. it is sad to watch it become a common thing, what has become of the sacred? what i once thought was everlasting, is now shambled in pieces, just a label, a document, a day. tell me, how can i ever resurrect such hope again? i dont think i can. there are just some things i cannot say.

it pains me to watch everyone else choose the path i once chose and there's nothing i can do about it. its their choice, their lives, they would face the consequences. it is not easy being where i am right now. some say i still have the faraway look, perhaps i still do. i guess i lost a part of me when i when through what i did. i will definitely not be the same again. pain has never felt so intense. memories of old wounds come flashing back. a haunting dark place i never wish to revisit.

so please, i beg all of you out there. STOP. it is not worth it. the pain and hurt and devastation you cause not only to yourself, the other, but everyone else as well. it is however worth the wait, best shared when sacred and stable and love.

i already have trouble forgiving myself, a confession made a gazillion times in hope of repentance. but now even more so. it is no joke when the quote goes "the sins of my father", it troubles me to think how i have tainted the line forever.

okay, i have said way too much about way too may people and way too many things. just one of those rantrave posts yet again. *facepalm* way too stressed, first week of classes start again thus total utter havoc equals wrung thin stressed out me.

PS: i have no idea what ive been gushing up above actually, just kept typing until i could type no more.

#007/366

2012-01-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

I thank God for:

1. Bunny's smiles that tells me i am known and loved and wanted
2. Comforting reassuring helpful colleagues
3. Patient Dad who put up with my tardiness & drove me around
4. All the help i got today
5. actually having things to be thankful for despite a very stressful day

much love =)

#006/366

2012-01-06T02:49:00.001+08:00

I thank God for:

1. Great conversation into the wee hours of the morning with someone who shares my thoughts exactly.
2. A busy day at work to keep me occupied despite being sleepy.
3. The ability to take the stairs up to office =P
4. Awesome dinner by Mum! (Steak, corn on cob, Caesar salad, soup)
5. An awesome start to the day with smiles aplenty & the tease of a jam before work.

#005/366

2012-01-04T23:30:00.000+08:00

I thank God for:

1. Gifts from my colleagues =) (yes, yet again =P i have awesome colleagues)
2. Mum bringing me home ChaTime
3. Bunny comforted by me
4. Beef Rendang!
5. Time to go online =P

#004/366

2012-01-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

I thank God for:

1. A thoughtful colleague who brought back choc & a purse for me from Paris
2. The chance to spend time with her & hear her giggle
3. Finally getting my diary fillers!
4. Giving me the sense of smell & tantalizing them with the aroma of freshly baked Famous Amos cookies which I love
5. Improving "someone's" mood
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

i miss reading =(

2012-01-03T13:16:00.001+08:00

#003/365

2012-01-02T23:30:00.000+08:00

I thank God for:

1. A great afternoon to catch up with my girlfriends + the entertaining "daring Pasar Malam escape" by Chloe
2. A yummy meal with the family
3. Trials to make me more resilient
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

#002/365

2012-01-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

I thank God for being able to finally have time to sort the clothes & watch a movie.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

#001/365

2012-01-01T01:40:00.000+08:00

I thank God for being able to open New Year's with family & for Aaron sitting with us at Mass.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

rantrave

2011-12-29T02:38:00.001+08:00

I have a feeling that this blog will end up to be a sad pathetic rantrave blog like my old one. Anyway, yes, here I am ranting again. I am supposed to update BunnyBlog but I don't want to blog in such a mood there, would rather blog in happier mood.

I am sad. Its hard, I don't tell anyone. I'm pathetic. I bet Mum would say shut up,stop blogging about things so publicly & move on. If only it were that easy. I've shut up before about worse things & it ate me alive. I will not put myself through the same thing again. Better out than in. I don't care who reads this or what people want to think or assume from this, I just need somewhere to vent. (PS: Mum wouldn't say shutup literally, she'd have more tact =P)

I don't know what to think about things anymore, nor do I know how to feel. I know I'm numbing myself again cause there are some things that hurt to look & I can barely stomach the sight or thought of it. I feel bad that I feel this way but hey, can't blame experience for the bitterness in me. As much as I'd love to harbor hope, its a dead forgotten pessimistic place for me now.

I really should get a grip on myself, rein myself in a bit more just so my fingers won't be so itchy as to torture my brain with a gazillion nonsensical rubbish. I really should try to be more positive & give out the happy aura, wouldn't want to be growing up in a bad influential environment now, would we?

Anyway, just so you know, this whole post is one of those sleepy lack of proper rest that led to emotional buildup dam bursting forth with tangled mess of thoughts post. Goodnight.... Yada-yada-yada...
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

self-insomniac

2011-12-19T11:46:00.002+08:00

don't bother.nostalgia.

2011-12-16T01:08:00.002+08:00

after all these months,
one would think it would've been forgotten
spewed anger frustration hurt and pain
after all, the new had reigned supreme
the old should be locked away and buried
yet in the corner of the closet
lay the memories returned
unwilling to be revisited
for fear of the emotions unfurl
yet time and again
the flashbacks on constant replay
the questions surge with ferocity
barging into every area
creeping and seeping into every corner
one cannot help forget
but instead always remember
no, never could forget
when given a lifetime of remembrance
so like a broken record, it plays
on and on repeatedly
everyday to be missed
every second wonder
are the thoughts likewise
is the existence known
if only for a word or two
the very sound, a second of voice
terribly missing
never stopped loving
the pain, the hurt, the sting, the hollow
perhaps a constant battle
a struggle, a fight to the finish
to keep a lid on things
never to be mentioned again
or even thought of again
if only one knew
the agony of the unknowing
or perhaps this is for the better
as brutal truth may end in shreds
ever so tempting to make a connection
but barred but promises made
held back by fear of rejection
one cannot bear another round of insults
nor empty words of care
this by far will haunt forever
please Lord, give strength.

~~Mandy, you are pathetic.~~

of waterfall braids & Konad nails

2011-12-11T22:19:00.000+08:00

i pampered Kaylyn today! & it was a release for me as well cause i missed braiding & i most definitely miss painting my own nails! =(

The Waterfall Braid (much ado on Tumblr)... cant do it for myself yet though =(

Back

Side

pure crap

2011-12-07T00:35:00.001+08:00

i don't think id ever dare fall again
the last was just too deep
and i was free falling
into the bottom of the pit
that i couldnt get back up
couldnt even breathe

the pain from falling cut too deep
left a hidden scar
that concealed the open wound
i doubt id find another
to fill the empty space

im way too scared now
don't want to fall again
hurt way too many times
this time seals the numbness
i cant feel nothing at all
im pushing it all away

i dont think i could hear
stories of another
all happy and content
my life spent wondering
where it all went wrong
right from the very beginning
shouldve known better
this was different
nothing comes close

i fight the battle within me
i struggle with myself
i dont want to be weak
if only it were hate
perhaps this is my sentence
forever longing the elusive

how do they do it?
why do they care?
don't they know its bulls*it?
there's really nothing there
the illusion of complete
is really just a scare
who am i trying to kid?
i too once had a share

no more hopeless romantic
just another love critic
call me pessimistic
no longer optimistic

GET THESE THOUGHTS OUTTA MY HEAD!!! *#@*!

The Materialistic Girl's Christmas Wishlist

2011-12-03T14:18:00.001+08:00

i know its a tad bit too near to Christmas and anyone buying me gifts would have already done so, but this is still fun to create anyway =)

Scrapbook materials (Paper & Stickers) - Baby themes especially
Diary Planner/ Refills - much needed for work
Nail Polish - no such thing as too many
Books
Thomas Sabo charm - Nail Polish, Peace
A mug for work
Board Games - Pictionary Card, PickUpSticks,
Wallet - Small yet lots of card compartments
External Hard disk - got too many photos! need storage!
Moolah!

Thank you everyone in advance =)

a rough day

2011-12-02T22:20:00.001+08:00

where are you?

one of those rough days
one of those days i feel incompetent
the day that im feeling useless
the day that im being very hard on myself
doubting my every sense
i don't like myself very much today

lets hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Bunny Blog

2011-12-01T01:14:00.001+08:00

i haven't been updating here much

simply because i manage another blog

on a daily basis

-a Bunny blog =)

[let me know if you want the add]

enough is enough, isn't it?

2011-11-27T14:30:00.001+08:00

Perhaps one day you'd realize
the circumstances have changed
the situation is different
perhaps you'd realize where you stand
what you can or can't do anymore
the things you can or can't say
the shots you don't get to call anymore
the favors you're better off not asking
how conversations cant take the same road anymore
shared jokes can't be shared no more
and memories once shared are kept to one's self
expectations should be back to zilch
cause you don't owe each other anything
questions once asked cant have the same answers
paths once walked wont have the same footprints
what was one is now two
thus two separate lives must be acknowledged
sharing and caring will forever be
as will the memories
but limitations and expectations
must be firmly set

things are just not the same anymore,

live with it.

i said it.

2011-11-26T01:01:00.000+08:00

i still wonder.

i should stop.

i...shut up.

i, goodbye.

please let there be no more posts of these sort,
get a grip of yourself dear girl!
sometimes it gets tough,but the tough gets going.

working makes me fat =(

2011-11-19T00:53:00.001+08:00

Cold Environment

Lack of Sleep

+
Sit Whole Day

Snacking NON-STOP

NOT HEALTHY!
:(

Christmas Cheer

2011-11-14T13:33:00.001+08:00

i was going to blog about something utterly redundant and depressing and a topic id rather not go back to, so im changing the pace and going for upbeat Yay-happy-cheery post instead! =)

Christmas is coming!!! My favorite time of the year!

as silly as it sounds,
i swear i feel the air spark with the Christmas spirit

the cool wind in the distance waiting to drop us a visit
carols crooning through the speakers
giving the home a sense of warmth
its not long before the tree goes up
all decorated and lighted up
the buzz of everyone talking of Christmas
excitement rippling through the air
the comfort and security in having family gather close by
exchanging not only presents but hugs kisses and well wishes too

this year will be so much better
my wish of so many years finally comes true
id have someone to share christmas with
id have someone to attend Mass with
someone to hug hold kiss cuddle
this year will be wonderful
a new tradition comes about

much love hope joy and Faith this year

i cant wait for Advent!

Unraveled

2011-11-11T00:30:00.001+08:00

Much unraveling has been done
Both in confessing and being confessed to
Some easy-peasy spilling
Some hard to swallow details
Of relief and joy
And melancholy and sadness
Or withdrawal and defensiveness
The struggle within
Of inner conflict
To keep things at bay
Or cling on to the buoy
To keep up the pillars
And not crumble under pressure
To be strong in everything
And show no ounce of weakness
The tug of war
The push and pull
The bittersweet
The denial
The facts
There really is no end to madness
Just the go with the flow
Hope for the best
And prepare for the worst
For there's no telling what the future holds

Where she is concerned
The feeling is good
Its great, its awesome
Its promising
Its fulfilling
Its reassuring

Where another is concerned
Its worrying
Its upsetting
Its relieving
Its uncomfortable
Its unforgettable

Where the middle is concerned
There are no words
Just a middling stand
Of two similar extremes

Of home, work & blessings

2011-11-10T02:55:00.001+08:00

I haven't had the chance to update for so long.

Just so everyone knows, I'm back in KL for good =) for those who didn't realize my disappearance, you now know that I've been away for a few months in Ipoh since late April and just got back mid October.

Throughout my life since I first started working, I've always only held parttime jobs in about 5companies holding about 6positions throughout different times for over approximately 7years already. I now (for the first time ever) hold a full-time job, working 9 to 6 in an office =)

I have since stopped my wild havoc crazy fun behavior in terms of stopping alcohol, stop clubbing, and limiting junk food intake as well as limiting shopping or gossiping hours =)

The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride, from the worst of situations and emotions to the most blessed moments and feelings. I have the occasional slaps in the face by God so as to remain humble and continually be thankful for all He has done for me thus far. I believe He has plans for me and He will guide me through anything and everything.

So yes, my life thus far. Miss me? Cause I most certainly miss blogging.

I'm off to bed now, goodnight =)

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

I'm in Love!

2011-11-04T00:53:00.001+08:00

I once asked God for an angel
He now answered and gave me you
Someone to love
To care for and pamper
To shower with attention
To provide distraction
Occupy my every moment
Someone to protect me
To have and hold
For all eternity

I could stare at you all day
Breathe you in like air
Watch you as you sleep
Catch your secret smiles
Hold your hand in mine
Run my fingers through your hair
Snuggle up to you
Cuddle up and kiss you
Hear your voice resonating
Feel you wriggle and squirm

I once was swept by the notion of love
The illusion of family acceptance
Biggest whirlwind yet
But now I can rest assure
I'm in love with the right one
My one and only
My sweetheart
Loved and accepted by the family
And even more so by everyone around

I am blessed indeed,
I love you Darling!
And I'm proud to have you with me.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Not That Girl

2011-11-02T12:43:00.000+08:00

I'm not the girl with the pretty face
With big round eyes
And cute pouty lips
Nor cascading curls

I'm not the girl with the hourglass body
With skinny slim frame
Or nice rack of assets
Nor ample bottom

I'm not the girl with updated fashion
With perfect messy updos
Or up-to-trend clothes
Nor gazillion heels

I'm not the girl with "the" personality
Of bubbly giggles
Or smooth conversations
Nor coy shy flirtatious smiles

I'm not the girl one wants
Nor the girl one needs
I'm just a girl of my own
Just a complicated simplicity

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

2011-10-25T01:04:00.001+08:00

Perhaps the subconscious transferred over; the anxiety,the negativity, the hurt, the guilt, the confusion, the turmoil, the emotions.

Perhaps the touch aint gentle, too roughed up by the past, the intuition aint strong enough, the bond not thick or tight enough.

Perhaps my methods are all wrong. Perhaps I'm not cut out for my dreams. Perhaps I'm just terrible or horrible in nature.

Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. Perhaps its just nature. Perhaps I need patience. Perhaps I need gentleness.

Perhaps too many perhaps. Perhaps just leave all perhaps. Perhaps just let all perhaps live it out themselves. Perhaps it all needs time. Perhaps.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Home Away From Home

2011-10-22T00:32:00.000+08:00

I miss the routine
The busy schedule
Kept me occupied
Distracted my mind
Gave me confidence
And self-belief
I miss the freedom
The do as you please
As long as finished
And work was complete
The friends to talk to
And laugh and eat with
The presence of God
Security from within
The occasional counsel
The random assurance
The I miss home bug
Of calls and visits
My home away from home
Ironic how I really do miss you

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Shush kept secret

2011-10-21T02:18:00.001+08:00

I'd never tell
But it hurts like hell
Ask me again
I'd tell you the same
Monotonous
Straight answer first
Truth kept hidden
Subject forbidden
Suppression or repression
Its the same generation
Never look back
Just forward on track
Time will tell
And break the spell
Support and love
And faith from above
Is all I'd ever need
To make ends meet
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

long time coming

2011-10-15T11:46:00.000+08:00

this was quoted by a girlfriend for my farewell gift before i left several months ago
i stuck it in my cupboard door and read it everyday
i guess you could say it gave me courage to wake up positively each day

it gave me strength to stick it out and not miss home so much
it gave me perseverance to make the most of my time away
it gave me the chance to know myself and grow

i wasnt about to spend the rest of my life in the shadows
questioning wondering doubting regretting
instead i was going to take the risk
and make the life-changing decision that i did

to fulfill my lifelong dream

in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson
i am not going where the path may lead me
instead i am venturing into uncertainty
a path of possible social damnation
but this path leaves behind a trail
one full of faith, hope and love
a trail of happiness and joy

people may scorn me

others may pity me
others still may love even more
but i do believe this happened for a reason
this is my calling in life
i was meant to fill these shoes
it wont be easy
but it would be so worth it

God has been by my side from the very first day
in all aspects He still is and continually will be
i love Him and He loves us
and with Him, all things are and will be possible

Have Faith! *winks*

Strangers, Again.

2011-04-22T01:24:00.000+08:00

my broken heart reaches out to me within my tears.
~~i can't stop thinking about the past.~~

If only...

2011-04-21T01:10:00.001+08:00

Perhaps my life
Was never mine to own
Or live in the first place,
Perhaps I was unworthy of such a gift.
So now I live, not for myself
No, never for myself
But for others
Those around me
More worthy over my life
For the choices I make
Are often not mine
Even if I wanted to
Were out of my control or hands
If only just once
To make one choice
One I could call my own
Surpassing any other
I would if I could
I wish I may
I wish I might
Have the wish
I pray for tonight
And every night
Until there are nights no more
Even so,
The wish is not mine
But God's to grant
God's to take control over
And God's to decide
Thus, I put my faith hope & trust in Him
That His wish and mine
Are one in the same
The wish for another
A wish of my own
A wish of His blessing

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

(Not) Leavin On A Jet Plane

2011-04-21T00:52:00.001+08:00

All my bags are (partially) packed
I'm (not) ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The (landlord)'s waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could (cry)

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm (not) leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, (I hope it changed something)

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm (not) leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Guitar Solo

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm (not) leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

(I hate to go...sigh.)

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

GFY!

2011-04-14T02:20:00.001+08:00

I told myself
Time and time again
Let go of it
Forgive & forget
No matter how hard I try
Countless confessions
Endless inner healings
Never ending tears
Its just so hard to do

If you didn't rob my life
Few years ago
None of this would've ever happened
I wouldn't have ruined things
I wouldn't have been so messed up
No one would've gotten hurt
Everyone would've been happy

If there's anyone to blame for all of this
Its you
Not the culprit who changed my life
But you!
You who robbed me in the first place

For the sake of everyone else
I'm keeping quiet
To keep things together
I'm not saying anything
All the hurt & the pain
Is only mine to suffer

Call me selfish
Call me heartless
Call me coward
But I cannot tear apart what's mine
To save the potentials out there

You may be doing to others
What you did to me
I'm sorry for them
I truly am
But I cannot confess
Nor would I take revenge
By ruining your life
As you did mine

I pray that you harm no one else
Stay away from me
Stay away from my beloveds
Spread not your poison to those close to me
I pray that you change your ways
I pray that you realize
How much hurt and devastation you've caused
Just lock yourself up,won't you?
You're a disgusting piece of shit
And I fucking blame you for everything!

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

the past, the present, the future

2011-04-04T15:02:00.000+08:00

it hurts to see someone else okay
while it is good to know, it hurts
to have others moving on
while you're stuck
picking up the pieces
of the life they left behind
the mess they fled from
the one you chose to face
all alone just like you predicted
it is tough, yes indeed
to have your mind go rewind
all was for naught
a glimpse of what could've been
turned out to be the worst nightmare
while everyone else turns away
you turn inside
knowing that life has a new direction
a new meaning
of greater things to come
be it for yourself or otherwise
it is something to look forward to
despite how everyone else sees it
it is a blessing
a miracle
one that cannot be explained
not because it is a mystery
simply because
it is a secret
one borne of the one who carries it
so love has once more
promised itself unto you
pray that this time
it is to stay

Silence & Obedience

2011-03-31T00:49:00.001+08:00

It'll never escape her lips
It'll never show on her face
But inside she's hurting
Of things left unsaid
Emotions left unresolved
It has always been that way
Since the very beginning
Always a glimpse a glimmer
Of the life she'd never have
Why the tiny dewdrop
Rather a drop none at all
Perhaps this is karma
Perhaps a lesson to be taught
Nonetheless of something
She couldn't quite grasp
Or wouldn't comprehend
As if to trust and freefall
Blindfolded to walk
That was the faith she held
Nothing else could she do
In hopes of good favor
To You, she surrenders

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Verdict without trial

2011-03-19T02:43:00.001+08:00

Her hands and feet in shackles
Of her lips escape no protest
Out of obedience she follows
Wishing there was another way
She tries to hide
Maybe even run
But firm to the ground
Her feet stay planted
Her heart crumbles in desolate
Silent tears stream down
"My God,My God,why have You forsaken me?"
"Forgive them for they know not what they do"
No one understands
She's just another case
But of this case is special
Give not what she wants
But to keep nurture and grow
"If it is your will,not mine,Let it be done"
Robbed away from comfort
And familiar surroundings of support
"I came not to be served,but to serve."
In her position she has no right
She's trying her very best
If only they knew what was asked of her
Not for herself or anyone else
But just you,you & you
Do know that this is not easy
Things are hard as it is
Now its just downhill
She'll try but she can't promise
She's beyond devastated now
No smile no laughter no more.

A single fish who swam
Against the current upstream
Now caught in the fisher's net
It awaits its doomed fate
In a new strange place
As cold as ice, no comfort.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

The Inner Struggle

2011-03-17T01:42:00.001+08:00

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
-Romans 7:14-25

Amazing! Truly and Utterly amazing! I don't know about you, but this is SO very me! It just proves to me that I must indeed work harder to be good and keep the evil at length away from me. I thank God for His never failing love, understanding and forgiveness in always welcoming this prodigal child.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

just don't think.

2011-03-14T14:09:00.002+08:00

Growing up with the Disney Princesses

2011-03-14T14:07:00.000+08:00

i dont care what people say,
i still love my Disney princesses.
they were a huge part of my childhood
and still a huge part of my life
i have grown up and evolved,
so have they.

Belle still rocks my socks the most =)

Envy or Jealousy? Choose your poison.

2011-03-08T00:11:00.001+08:00

Envy or jealousy
Often used interchangeably
Whose meanings
Are often misconstrued
Envy stems from fear of inferiority
Jealousy stems from fear of loss
So unless you stand to lose something
Please use the word jealous more wisely

More often than not
Envy gets the most of me
Wanting things I lack
Not things I could lose
Since I never had to begin with
But I could possibly get
If I wanted bad enough
Or worked hard enough

But right now
I'm utterly jealous
Just thinking about it
Sets me off the edge
For once I stand to lose
What's rightfully mine
Not something I can get again

Is this some sort of message?
Is God punishing me for my sins?
Or Karma biting my ass back?
Or a huge prank of a reality show?
Because my one love and passion in life
To finally get a glimpse, a taste, a hope
Of what I thought could never be mine
Could possibly be stripped away from me

I guess it truly was never meant for me in the first place. Sigh. I can only trust in His decision for me that things would work out the best way it possibly could. I'm never one to hope, but in this, I hope, I hope in Him to give me hope.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Drown

2011-03-02T00:03:00.001+08:00

I come home and head straight to the room. As though like a vampire, not coming out until the sun goes down. Looking at the ceiling and its four walls, it almost feels claustrophobic. Looking at the messy floor in much dismay, a sense of helplessness drowns me. I try not to think, I try to lay still. I usually end up falling asleep, only to wake up feeling worse than ever. I'd be lucky if the headache doesn't come or stay. I feel like Goldilocks who crashed the place, messed it up and overstayed. I feel like the black sheep who should've been gobbled up by the wolf. Like a misfit in the puzzle, its a board I don't belong. It feels like you're under anesthesia and you're numb but you're fully conscious and aware of everything happening, yet you can't do anything about it. Its like you're hanging by a thread and nothing makes sense anymore. I'm just afraid, afraid of myself.

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you don"t know me

2011-02-24T21:38:00.000+08:00

everyone has a secret they haven’t shared. everyone has a past no one’s heard about. everyone has talents that people don’t notice. everyone has weaknesses hidden inside. everyone has a story left untold, so never start judging someone thinking you know them back to front. because the truth is, you probably don’t.

Butterfly Kisses Flew Away

2011-02-22T18:43:00.001+08:00

Its been awhile since I wrote, simply because life had taken a major turn. These few days left many angry bitter words that broke many fragile hearts and too many fallen tears. Changed and scarred many lives in many irreversible ways.

I'm sure many questions are playing in the mind, why did it happen? What went wrong and where? What could've been done to prevent or stop things? What happens from here on out? Many of which I cannot answer, for some I either don't know or some are better left unanswered. But you have no one, especially not yourself to blame, for the blame is mine and mine alone. I was brought up in the best way possible, taught many good values, but life messed me up along the way, no one could've seen it coming.

I am very truly sorry for the hurt I've caused and the many lives I have ruined. I wish I could make things better somehow, but the options I am given are none I can take. I know things won't get any easier but would get much harder and worse but I can only hope things would improve over time, I hope peace understanding and reconciliation can be found.

I wish that one day I could somehow explain my reasons and feelings to you but I know I will never get the chance to, some things are just better left unsaid. I'm really sorry I disappointed you and failed you, I wish I didn't but I hope you know I love you no less but so much more so. I am very worried for you and I wish so much I could take away your hurt. I hope you understand my sentiments on this for I have thought about this for years on end before anything ever happened and my decision stays the same. I thank you for trying to be strong for me, I am so proud of you and I love you so much. I hope you know that.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Hope?

2011-02-10T21:59:00.001+08:00

I can't seem to find the words to say. I know I'm holding myself together the best way I can, but I can feel myself falling apart. All I can do is smile and say I'm okay and that I'll be okay, when in fact I'm scared shitless. I can be alone, I know I can, but I worry not for myself but for those around me. I should've known better, I know, but its so much easier to blame it on my past than to accept that I really turned out to be everything I told myself not to be. Its times like these, I feel so unworthy. People may try to understand and may even say they do, but I wonder will they really stand by me when it all falls apart? I'd rather take anger and disappointment anytime than to witness the hurt and devastation, but I guess I can't choose my circumstances. Ironic how life works, I guess I'm meant to learn a lesson. If this teaches me anything or made me more of anything, it has made me colder. I hope I won't be as naïve and trusting anymore, I hope I won't fall in love simply because I really don't want to. I hope I will be more hardy and independent because I really need to be. I try my best to stay strong and start embracing the idea because it was my fault and I have to deal with it. So here's to hope, because I'm really counting on it.

fyi, I'm not looking forward to the return. i dread it utterly.

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Love?

2011-02-08T00:32:00.001+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This is the famous quote from the Bible.

My idea of love is somewhere along those lines. I always thought of love as selfless, you love the other person so much that you'd do anything for that person. Their flaws won't seem to matter that much and seem more tolerable than if you noticed them in others. Your whole being gravitates towards the other person and your purpose seems to be in making them happy. It would take patience, tolerance, give-and-take, understanding, compromise and basically two individuals sharing almost everything together.

I thought love meant you were comfortable in your own skin, knowing that the person loves and accepts you just the way you are, expecting nothing in return. And in that love and acceptance, you notice the subtle changes in yourself to be more alike of each other. You naturally incline to want to be who that person wants or wishes you to be, but with the assurance that you need not lose yourself, but merely grow to be a better more wholesome person.

Love meant someone you could count on for anything. Someone to hangout with, even if it was in silence,it would still feel comfortable. Someone you could just talk to all the time about anything, knowing you could trust the person and not have to be wary. The first person you run to when you've got great news and in want of celebration. The person you consult for advise or just a listening ear or just a shoulder to cry on. You can do all these and not have to worry if you'd be too much or you'd be too cumbersome towards the other person, simply because you know that person and that person knows you inside and out.

Unfortunately, love has failed me and hurt me one too many times. So much so, I'm starting to have my doubts. Perhaps its me? Perhaps I have the rose-tinted hopeless romantic view of love that is too high an ideal to achieve. Perhaps I'm still stuck in Disney Princesses and fairy tales. So for now, I'm staying away from love, I've had enough of my more than fair share of heartbreak. I need my space away. The only love I'm counting on these days is the love of my Lord.

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Contradiction

2011-02-03T16:20:00.001+08:00

Look at the state of my blog
So full of life with all its color
The smiling photo in the corner
But read through the words
A total utter contradiction
If it were paper and ink
You'd find stains and smudges
This author's heart is breaking
A state she swore never to be in
To have life revolve around one
Now that one is going
She falls apart and breaks down
I must've sinned so terribly
To have Karma bite back this hard
Now to live with its consequence
Please give me strength.

PS: this time of the year always brings me down. Too much tension in the air.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

6 months

2011-01-28T13:52:00.001+08:00

I try to be strong. I tell myself I will be okay. I say I will get through it the best way I can. I deny the future, I try my best to live in the present. But everyday its getting harder, everyday the end looms near. I try to focus on how I spent my day, lucky that I could even get one day. But with each passing day, I lose one more day before its all over. Its hard to be excited over the future, when I know I'd be on the losing end. Its not about who wins or who loses, but its just sad that it could've been something great but I guess it was all in my head. I wish I would've been the source of excitement joy and future possibilities, but I guess not. Its been six months of bittersweet and I'm falling even harder and deeper each day. I can only hope and pray for a miracle, a change of heart by the time the end comes. Or else I pray and hope so badly that God gives me the courage and the strength to pull through this and rise above it if it all falls apart.

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Realization checklist...?

2011-01-27T01:53:00.001+08:00

Sigh, two weeks of absence and distance yet again. Can I survive? Will I have imy pangs? Or would I sustain and move on? Let these two weeks be a time to strengthen myself.

Did you notice the sadness in her eyes?
Did you try to make her laugh again?
Did you taste the saline on her cheeks?
Did you kiss away her rolling tears?
Did you take note of the way she kissed?
Did you kiss her truly?
Did you sense the clenching of her fists?
Did you try to slip your hands through hers?
Did you realize her holding back her tears?
Did you pull her in a hug?
Did you hear the drumming of her pulse?
Did you calm the racing pace?
Did you feel the pangs within her heart?
Did you comfort her with silence?
Did you know how hurtful your words were?
Did you mean the things you said?
Did you sit down to listen to her?
Did you give her your undivided attention?
Did you take the time to love her?
Did you appreciate and cherish her?

Need.
Will survive.
More resilient.

Always be the bigger better person in life,
Even if it means sacrificing yourself
For the greater good
By simple ignorance and walkaways.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

PMS

2011-01-20T02:43:00.001+08:00

I need to get a grip on my life
Not let anything else decide
I need to put the effort and strive
Nor for anyone else but myself fight

The onset of PMS is such a bitch
Turning me into an emotional wreck
Stirring things up like the wicked witch
Flick me away as though I'm just a speck

Gain control dear darling
Don't go down the dark spiral
Keep yourself from falling
Away from the contagious viral

I'll be better I know of it
As of now I'm just so exhausted
The pieces of my life don't seem to fit
Goodnight now I'm busted

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Bothered

2011-01-19T01:52:00.001+08:00

Smile they do, these lips of mine
The answer to every question, I'm fine
Try they do, not to be a straight line
For in secret, another lips to pine

These sparkle, my eyes of black
Or so empty and hollow, you don't see jack
The tears to spill, I'm holding them back
But sometimes I lose, they slip through the crack

Fragile yet strong, these fingertips
Every touch, a pain that rips
For in another, longing to slip
Hold on tight with a firm grip

Don't you see?
Way past the exterior me?
I'm hiding the pain
Trying to keep sane
Feel so much
Too much
Its starting to numb
Let's just hope I'm considered dumb
Just so you know about my intentions
I'm unwavering in my affections
Mere action reaction to your game
But underlying, everything is the same
I know the silence annoys
I'm tired too of all the decoys
Love still as strong
But of you, I could be wrong

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Alcoholic much?

2011-01-16T01:48:00.001+08:00

Alcohol. As much as I love my spirits, I don't fancy the effects much. Just so you know, this girl favors Gin Tonic, Absolut Vodka, beer and Baileys. She's not much for whiskey, rum or brandy. Have yet to try champagne, indulge me anyone? =)

Alcohol loosens you up, it helps go easy on the guard or wall you put up. It may even make you daring enough to do things you'd never be able to bring yourself to do when you're sober. If you're shy and inhibited, it'll turn you into the friendliest person around to chat mingle and mix with, with the flirting extras added in too. It'll make you high in spirits so much so that you'd be preaching in the Spirit. It'll help you dance like you've never danced in your life before. It'll help you feel good about yourself for once, because if you ever mess up, you could always blame it on the spirits. It'll even help you sing with the throaty Leonard Cohen or Mick Jagger style voice (sexy no? =P)

Alcohol helps you disconnect from reality. It helps you forget your worries. It helps you giggle and laugh more. It may even help you go sleep faster; That way, you won't have to feel anything. Alcohol makes the world fun and more vivid and more alive. It makes the world spin and the loud blaring music course through your very veins. Talking and words won't matter, thus thinking or overthinking would be out of the picture too. Sensation would be all that matters.

However, alcohol also drowns you. If you're feeling depressed or shitty at that point of time, it will take whatever you're mulling over and double triple gazillion the effects. It will eat you alive. It will make you forget yourself, do things you'd never ever do, sober or otherwise. It will help you churn out (not churn up) your food, zombie projectile style. It will somehow invite and allow unwanted attention. It will tear out your emotions and make you cry bucket loads of tears or scream your lungs out or even lunge out at others. It will make you abusive. It will make your hormones rage out of control. It will make you say things you wished you never did. It will make you tell the truth (most times).

So my point in saying this, I love and enjoy my drinks, I do, but I just got to know when where and with whom to go overboard with. In fact, I cannot drink alone, I'd feel odd. If I do intend to drink myself silly and let loose, I would always make sure I have someone who will take care of me and make sure I'm sobered up or safe enough to hit the bed.

Thus, this is me signing off after a long stint of no alcohol, now with two beers in me. I am now sleepy, cranky and groggy.

Goodnight.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Freedom in Graduation

2011-01-15T02:59:00.001+08:00

I can sense it in the air
I can smell it at the tip of my nose
Feel it brush up against my skin
Hear it's voice beckoning to me
The tingle in my toes
The giggle bubbling in my throat
The restless fingers tapping away

What the heck am I talking about?
F-R-E-E-D-O-M!
I've finally completed my degree!
I am done (for now) with college life.
No more studying
No more poring over numerous facts
No more research
Just done done done!

WooHoo!
I swear Jesus was with me the entire time
He made sure I failed none of my papers
And made sure I was at least middle class honor
Thank You Lord!
For I can do all things trusting in You

"What's next?" you ask?
Working life.
Yes, I heard, not much to look forward to
But I'm just glad I'm done with studies for now
I start working next month
Pursuing a passion for average pay
But the environment seems nice
I might just like it there
(I'm hoping I will)

So yes, I am now known as a graduate
(Technically not until after graduation in April)
What I don't understand
Why is everyone more hyped about it than me?
Is it really a BIG HUGE deal to graduate?
Am I missing a bigger picture here? =S
(Someone explain to me please...?)

But anyway, I'm happy! =)
Wish me luck in my future undertakings eh?
Masters will be later years down the road
Majoring in what exactly? I don't know
Honestly, I ain't even going to think about it yet

Freedom baybeh! Oh yeah!

PS: HINT to Parents *coughSaboCharmcough*

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Lovesick Puppy Rant

2011-01-10T02:21:00.001+08:00

Bittersweet is the perfect description
You Me and the whole complication
You could fool me with your so-called distraction
Your body language tells a different reaction
Seemingly, but I'm sure it ain't all about the action
You and me go way beyond mere mutual attraction
Deny it all you want, but we share a deep connection
Past and future uncertainty puts the stop in motion
Countless endless inconclusive discussion
We sure mean something with so much conversation
You and me would make a wonderful equation
Can't you put off your darned decision?
Leave it to faith with no particular reason
I'd miss you every day of every season
I hope you know you give me the greatest elation
And have the power to cause my heart grave devastation
Yet I hang on hope and pray for your heart's conversion
Of who I used to be, forgive, let go, pay no attention
Of who I can be for you, cherish with all determination
I am certain and believe in this so-called infatuation
This could be so much more, a serious relation
Give me a chance to ride with you through this tribulation
For in the end, I'm hoping for celebration
A worthy cause for jubilation
In something so meaningful far off your wildest imagination
Together so strong, we can make this a realization
Just so you know, I love you my bittersweet sensation.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

2011-01-07T02:26:00.001+08:00

They say one can die of a broken heart. I wonder how that feels like. The tightening feeling of constriction of the heartbeat beneath your rib cage? The throbbing of your temples that seem to ripple and pulsate more intensely as it courses through your mind? The emptiness you feel within your soul? The heavy weight upon your limbs? So heavy that you feel so weak and unable to move? The never ending burning tears that make your eyes hurt once you stop? The plastic smile upon your lips on the outside when everything is crashing down and falling apart within you? The steel pretentious act you hold up, while ever so vulnerable inside? The utter complete devoid of any chance of any or slightest glimmer of hope or joy or peace? The unsettling restlessness within you? The gloom and the dread that consumes you? The inability to get out of bed? The avoidance of any other contact? The every word of another, stabbing you poking and prodding you slicing and dicing your very heart alive? The very temptation to run away hide and shun? The incessant self-battery? The worthlessness? The doubts and confusion? The everything, and yet I'm still alive. Sigh.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Today's horoscope

2011-01-06T16:22:00.001+08:00

You will feel a little off color. Probably not enough to have you spend the day in bed but enough to wish you could shake off this wretched feeling.

How so very true. Sigh.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Ka-Boom!

2011-01-05T03:23:00.001+08:00

Reckless and insecure
Rebel of not so pure
Nonsense you can't endure
Personality so demure
Eyes of deep that seem to lure
Certainly no immature

Round and round in circles we go
Trying our best to go with the flow
Things are fast yet things are slow
Process forever, results no show
Direction in which nobody know
Hanging onto the faintest glow

Feelings so strong feelings so true
Those of happy confused and blue
Everything falls apart right in front of you
Everything of the old nothing of the new
So cold so heartless what a wreck what a shrew
Chivalry is dead, not even one, not even a few

Push and pull is all that's done
Stand outside in the shining sun
Weight on the shoulders weigh a ton
Get rid of it until there's none
To the temple hold the gun
Pull the trigger to enjoy the fun

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Welcome 2011!

2011-01-01T03:36:00.001+08:00

The new beginning of a new year
Am I even ready for what's to come?
Don't be silly girl! Have no fear!
Just take little steps, one at a time

The good or the bad
No one really knows
To be happy or sad
Life has it's own highs and lows

Positivity is the road I'm trying
Optimistic self-courage is what I take
Hope I'd be strong enough to not be left crying
My own happiness is what I make

On this day of a brand new year
I thank the Lord for all my beloveds
Family and friends from far and near
Relationships of new I've since discovered

It is today I miss the dearly departed
Surely whom watch us from above
Death will never keep us separated
Forever in our hearts we cherish you with love

Despite me trying not to mention
You by far are too special to me
Always on my mind catching my attention
I love you too much, I hope we're meant to be

For the year of 2011, this I pray
The Lord guides watches and protects us all
Keep us from harm, sin and temptation if He may
To forgive us and lift us up each time we fall

Here's cheers to the New Year of 2011!

Happy New Year everyone!

XOXO, Mandy.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Five Months <3

2010-12-30T03:49:00.001+08:00

Five months have gone by
Since she first laid eyes on the guy
Five months of friendship
Which soon turned into courtship
Five months of which led to nowhere
Hanging in the middle, not here nor there
Five months of great conversations
Hanging out and a whole lot of emotions
Five months of warmth closeness and security
Questions doubts mistrust and insecurity
Five months of ironic bittersweet
Something of which was not an easy feat
Five months of constant daily contact
Despite the struggles still remain intact
Five months of teasing and laughter
With a mix of arguments tears and fear
Five months of push and pulls
One must think they were quite the fools
Five months of evading inquiries
Just answered the necessities
Five months of new beginnings
Ones that finalized old endings
Five months of renewed hope
With strength and new courage to cope
Five months of seemingly impossible
Now seemingly made possible
Five months of pure joy
She was a blushing schoolgirl so coy
Five months of hidden motives and desires
Eventually outed both them liars
Five months of building trust
Of which could never come fast
Five months By Golly Five months!
Thank You Lord for such a hunk!

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

2010 Recap

2010-12-29T18:02:00.001+08:00

2010, an ironic bittersweet year so grand
ups and downs with laughter tears and frowns
of closings and new beginnings
overall, a great year all in all =)

January
Blessed matching “love” rings.

February
Mist Emergency Rendezvous.
Chinese New Year in Penang.
Lenten Internet Sacrifice.
Kevin Avinash’s surprise party.
Wendy’s open house.
RYM Feed the Poor.

March
Singapore trip + Paramore concert (K).
Zee Avi concert (CSK).
Heartbreak talk.
Haircut.
Shaine’s 22nd drama (CSK).
Asha’s sister’s Hen Night & Wedding.

April
Easter Supper at Vanessa’s.
Seafood Dinner.
Catechist District Bollywood fellowship.

May
West Side Story musical.
Uncle Francis’ birthday.
Mist.

June
Catechist Recollection Weekend at Genting.
JYM Concert of Love.

July
Andrea Leong’s 21st (CK).
Dad’s birthday at Italiannies.
Andrea’s farewell + Tommy’s birthday (CK).
RYM Cafeteria.
RYM Mass.
Kimberly Wee’s farewell.

August
Vanessa & Chris wedding (Langkawi & Melaka).
Meteor Shower (KJt).
Father Philip Appreciation Dinner (KS).
Reluctant Saint Musical (CSKJt).
Bus Company with the girlfriends (CK).
RYM Durian Buffet.
PotterClay Interview.

September
Birthday surprises (include: Birthday lunch with A. Midnight cake with Jt. Sunday School cake. PotterClay cake. Dinner with the girlfriends (CSK))
Italiannies with family +2 (Jt).
PotterClay Camp.

October
Karen’s 22nd (CSK).
Mist Halloween drama (KJt).
Genting roadtrip (Jt).

November
Melaka with the girlfriends (CSK).
Wendy’s 21st.
Chloe’s 22nd.
PotterClay Graduation.
Grandfather’s birthday in Penang.
Catechist Dinner (CSKJt).
Harry Potter midnight movie surprise (Jt).
RYM Camp (CSKJt).

December
JYM Advent Dinner (Jt).
KLIA sendoff (Jt).
Christmas Visiting.
Mist (K).
RYM Christmas Party.

So this is Christmas

2010-12-24T20:31:00.001+08:00

It's that time of the year again! Presents, red or green or white or any other colorful decoration, Christmas tree, Santa Claus & yummy food! Or is it...? Shouldn't Christmas be about Jesus?!

Speaking of presents, how do you choose your presents? I love Christmas because I get to shop and not feel guilty about spending! Because I AM buying for others after all, and not me...Teehee.

The size of the object matters not. For sometimes, the best gifts come in the smallest size. Think how the world received the greatest gift of all a few million years ago in the smallest size of the baby Jesus.

It doesn't matter how it's wrapped, the content is what matters. Think how the baby Jesus was not born in a grand hotel, but in a lowly manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes.

It doesn't matter the pricetag, it is the thought that counts. God gave the world the most priceless gift ever by giving us His only Son.

So this Christmas, as much as I'd love expensive charms and new clothes and any other materialistic things (I still would love them *winks*), I take today to thank the Lord for showering me with plenty of presents all year round.

I got the gift of life 22years ago. I got the gift of a loving family. I got the gift of great friends. I got the gift of a someone special this year. I got the gift of education and the opportunity to learn everyday. I got the gift of a safe environment and a place to call my home. I got the best gift of all, I got the gift of FAITH. I got lots and lots and lots more gifts which is tooooo much to be listed down here. All of which the Birthday Boy himself gifted me; I wonder what have I given him in return? =(

So take today, to await not for the presents under the tree, but await today for the coming of the biggest best present of all! -Jesus Christ, who awaits your presence too. Remember why we even celebrate Christmas in the first place, the Birthday of the Lord! The best gift you could give him is none other than yourself! =)

So Happy Birthday my Beloved Saviour!
& Merry Christmas everyone!

XOXO,
Mandy.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

December Updates

2010-12-21T01:26:00.001+08:00

I have things to pour out, but I have frustrated myself over the same things over and over again. And yes, it hurts (intensely) but I'm strong. I'm going to treat myself to something different this time. How? I am not going to blog about it!

FYI, I finally finished my studies!!! WooHoo! If, *touch wood* I don't fail,you are looking at a graduate! *grins* Exams were hell because studying made no sense after you face useless out of nowhere relevant questions. Therefore, until my results come out (in mid January..*sob*), I am not going to jinx things by celebrating my freedom.

I have plans, yes I do. I plan to bum around the start of next year, I do not wish to start studying again or go start working just yet. I plan to spring clean my room. I plan to do more cross-stitch. I plan to complete several series I've been meaning to catch. I plan to read more books. I plan to diary more often (I'm missing my therapy!!!). I plan to travel perhaps? I plan to spend more time with God and with myself. I plan to start playing with my Barbie dolls again. I plan to keep fit? I plan to keep myself busy occupied distracted and relaxed.

I've completed my Christmas shopping, sort of...I hope the recipients would like them. Christmas this year would be a lonely one. My daughters' family would be spending time in Penang. My godmother's family would be in Indonesia. My aunty would remain in Melaka. So hopefully I'd make do by focusing on the Lord this Christmas and really celebrate His Big Day! I have plans to visit my two uncles during Christmas though =)

Well, in light of that..these are the few things I had in mind to update so I wouldn't update about the "other" thing.

Toodly! Love much, me.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

What do you know about me?

2010-12-19T01:46:00.000+08:00

Do you know I cry? Do you know I get hurt easily? Do you know I am so insecure about what others think of me? Do you know I get very unsettled if someone holds a grudge against me? Do you know I put myself through things eventhough I don't feel like it or don't want to? Do you know I force myself to be nice to people who aren't very nice to me in hopes that I will one day be genuinely be nice to them willingly? Do you know that I'm not an attention seeker, but I need the attention to remind myself I'm not alone? Do you know I have a hatelove relationship with solidarity? Do you know I bite back on my tongue just so I won't say spiteful things that I know will or might hurt you? Do you know that my heart aches constantly? Do you know I'm a horrible person who has done horrible things? Do you know I'm scared to make or keep friends because I fear they would not be able to put up with my bullshit? Do you know that I feel unworthy of God? Do you know that I don't think I am worthy to be fallen in love for? Do you know that it sucks so bad to know only certain things or ways to make me feel good about myself? Do you know how shy scared and anxious I feel being in a crowd? Do you know how nervous I am in mingling and making small talk? Do you know bad I feel everyday for how I treat everyone around me? Do you know how impatient frustrated and angry I can get? Do you know how weak frail and fragile I actually am? Do you know how insensitive I can get? Do you know how sensitive I actually am? Do you know how I second guess and question myself every second of my life? Do you know how stupid and senseless I can get? Do you know how cunning and manipulative I can get? Do you know how I scream with my silence? Do you know my pain? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what I think? Do you know what I've been through? Do you know what exactly I mean by what I do? Do you know I put up different masks for different people?

Do you know anything about me at all?!
Just because you see me, doesn't mean you know me.

This is a note to myself as well so as to not jump to conclusions about others. No matter how insecure I may be, it is never fair to put the blame on others. Please be more understanding.

Be strong my girl, you will pull through. God will be with you every step of the way, no matter how difficult the circumstances, always have faith.

Goodnight all.
I am exhausted from my own insecurity.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Rain Rain Come Again

2010-12-13T16:25:00.001+08:00

This is what happens when I'm distracted away from studying, nonsense poem crops up. Fair Warning: ignore what you're about to read, it came out of nowhere & its pointless.

Its raining now and I've always loved the rain
It heals me and numbs my pain
Takes me back to reality and keeps me sane
Call me silly or call me lame
Call me conceited or call me vain
But to me its all the same
Nothing to lose and everything to gain
These feelings within me I cannot feign
Feels like I'm running after the runaway train
Soon one day, these feelings I'd reign

All these written because of the rain
Call me crazy, call me insane
This rebellion within me you cannot tame
Maybe to you its all a game
A hunt to seek fortune and so called fame
Rest assured, patience is my name
For the determination in me would not wane
Different paths and of a different lane
Memories aplenty, I'd do it all over again
Faith in falling and standing up again

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

i feel...lost.

2010-12-10T15:01:00.000+08:00

when too many things occupy my mind,
i tend to be left speechless
too many things roll off the tip of my tongue,
often too nasty to be spelled out
id rather swallow them bitter words
poisoning myself instead of those around me

i hate being in the gray
not knowing where or what
everything seems so uncertain
where then can i find my sanity?
i need the future in mind
at least a rough path would suffice

just so you know,
i need the comfort every now and then
i need the attention
acknowledge my presence
let me know that its all not for naught
loving is not easy, i hope you understand

i just miss you so damn much and it sucks that this doesn't seem to affect you. im dreading the day you have to go, wishing to spend as much time as possible with you before you go. but here you are, having more plans without me faster than i can say jeremy cricket. i dont blame you, go have fun, im glad for you, i really am. but i just...this is me being selfish and insecure. sigh. im sorry. damnit, why do i have to love you so much?!

comfort hugs and kisses

2010-12-04T02:46:00.001+08:00

pull me close into your arms
hug me to you ever so tight
kiss away my fears and qualms
let me know that everything is going to be alright

perhaps i am changing
maybe its the circumstance
finals got me stressing
i hope you’d understand

thank you for your patience
i know i’ve been a mess
perhaps its going through the motions
or something i dont confess

either way or matter
please be there for and with me
make my days a little gladder
for its with you i want to be

some tell me not to write of you
say the cycle might repeat itself
then id find my heart broken in two
you gone and only my writings left

but cant you or anyone else realize?
this is the only way i cope
perhaps it might lead to my own demise
but right now its my only hope

so im trying not to let it bother me
im trying to keep my thoughts at length
i hang on to the here now and future to be
so i pray to God He’d grant me the strength

i may not be the one for you
not now not ever maybe never
but i do hope you know i love you true
right now in this very moment of forever

i steel my heart against what you say
focus instead on actions that speak louder
my decision today might cost my future to pay
but i cant help it, each day i love you further

so call me silly, call me names
but this girl is here to stay
even if nothing changes and everything is the same
just to love you until the time comes, if she may

Picture me.

2010-11-30T13:20:00.000+08:00

So I said,
What's been made?
Its all too late.
Leave it all to fate.
We could've been great.
Now let's just set the date
To incinerate

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Advent anyone?

2010-11-25T01:08:00.001+08:00

as much as i look forward to Christmas, i dont either.

dont get me wrong, tradition in spending time with the family, especially going for midnight mass and opening of presents is simply delightful. i am always reminded how blessed i am to have a wonderful loving caring supportive family to spend such a joyous important occasion with.

but christmas has never been easy for me. it requires too much effort on my part to smile. it requires too much much hated small talk and mingling. it requires having to face nosy relatives who probe too much into your nonexistent complicated love life. it requires having to see others with their respective partners, a harsh slap in your face that either you dont have one or yours is not around.

its a time when past stories, events or experiences are brought up. a time when you simply want to shrink in embarrassment and hope the floor opens and hides you. its a time where you have to tolerate old stories youve heard countless times before and would rather not listen to it again because you cannot repeat the same bemused expression after hearing it a million times on end.

its a time when i feel most scared and most vulnerable. its a time when i need someone close as close to me as possible. it brings back too many memories.

for once, i just wish i had someone to hold my hand. i wish Jesus Himself held my hand. told me that it was alright for me to celebrate His birthday with Him. that i was worthy to participate in this huge sacred event. that i was worthy and invited to join in the celebration. that He will protect me from my fears, and that He would forgive me.

and perhaps for once, i wish, i had someone with me for christmas. so i didnt have to face everyone else alone. so i didnt have to be scared. so i didnt have to worry. and for once, i could actually enjoy christmas and made christmas different this time around. for once, replace what christmas has ruined for me before with memories of new. for once, make mistletoe worthy. make me feel worthy.

Christmas has always been an important holiday for me. for once, i just wish for a different Christmas. for once, give me peace within my troubled heart. let it not be turbulent anymore. sigh.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!

PS: im sorry for this very troubling post. what i write, i write. please delve not into what is written. just cast this off as another stressed out rambling. for this girl is tired after a whole day of working on an assignment.

crashed

2010-11-24T23:26:00.001+08:00

there she sits
in the corner of her own world
selfish you might say
ignorant antisocial even
little do you know
this girl so shy
believe in herself so low
lips sealed shut
secrets of old kept within
heart abroken
chest been open
hurt a thousand
healed she has none

love she thought she found
love she cant be sure
love so much
love it hurts
love she wants
love she wont get to keep
love has got her head in the clouds

it spites to read of others
plight so close
it scares her true
what if it became of her
she survived so far
will the future be clear
a psychopath she wishes not
clear her mind
and peace she hopes

everything comes crashing down
red blood stains
eyes so dry
heart gave pangs
feet so weary
hands are limp
there she whimpers
head throbs aches

final
done
closed
sealed
finished
completed
silenced

im sorry,
im just so tired
with all my assignments
finals looming in
pms added in
one big mess of jumbled emotional wreck.

Nerd Alert!

2010-11-23T01:56:00.001+08:00

Dear Assignments, Studying and Finals,

Where have the days gone where i used to read all the time? Where are the days where i used to diary ever quite so often? My joy of reading and writing have been replaced by my lack of time. All the things i used to love, I hardly have the time for anymore.

Please let me pass this semester as soon as possible, that i may not have to repeat and waste another semester. Please guide me and see me through my assignments as well as my finals that i may resume my fun, sanity and whatever other healthy “plans” i might have.

written work used to be my comfort zone, my safe haven, my stability. Perhaps I'm losing my ground because of this? My emotions have gone haywire and unstable for the same reason too? Super duper good day? utterly horrible day? plain old boring day?everything used to go into my diary, now i feel as though I've no time to do so, not even the time to blog. (Sigh, it’s a wonder i even have the time to blog this).

or maybe its just my own fear that I'm trying to push aside and not confirm it by not expressing it? that once everything is on paper, everything seems so permanent when everything’s always changing? Or perhaps it’s my fear that things wont change? so id rather not write anything down? so i wont have anything to compare it against? no memories of the past, be it good or bad ones? Maybe I've feared to the point id rather have nothing at all than to have something only halfway? Damn, i miss writing! =(

I miss reading, getting so engrossed in a book that i couldn't be bothered or couldn't care less about the world around me. i wont have to hear what others had to say. i don't have to worry about what's going on. i don't have to think about the things that might hurt or upset me. when i was crumbling and couldn't cope in reality, the characters held themselves together for me. when i felt sad and angry and so devastated, the characters would give me new hope in their stories or comfort me in sharing my plight. i got lost in this alternate world just so i wont have to face my harsh reality. burrowing my nose in a book allows me to retreat to my own world and escape awkward embarrassing small talk moments in which i know i would fail in.

lately, the latest of which combines both my passion is the Word of God. i had attended a program which allowed me to reflect and evaluate my current standing with God and attempt to bring myself closer to Him. it was in this program that we had to do daily Bible reflections in which we not only read the Word of God, but we were to journal about it as well. i had done so religiously (pun intended) for about 5 weeks when something happened and i had to put it on hold for awhile. Unfortunately, it has been on hold ever since and I would very much like to return to it soon! =(

i need my words.
i need my solid secure stable means of comfort.
i need typography.

Please give me back my time? =(

Love much,
Nerdy Bookworm.

Driven to Blog

2010-11-16T17:19:00.002+08:00

I never was one for traveling
Drives were my cue for sleeping
Journeys were often boring
The sun so brightly glaring

These days were oft changing
Of shoulders onto be leaning
And hands to be a-holding
Drives were now entertaining

Silly jokes oft got things laughing
And serious topics to get talking
Kisses oft were sneaking
Or fights of debatable arguing

Of breaking down and crying
Or teasing tickles and prodding
To silly drive warnings
And road beauties left drooling

Dangerous curves of speeding
Yet security made reassuring
Driver is utmost pleasing
This girl is whole lot of loving

PS: just because someone said I haven't "blogged" in awhile. Looks like I don't need a brokenheart after all, eh? *winks*

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Wonderful Weekend

2010-11-15T00:43:00.000+08:00

Friday night made the pillows talk sweet
Party on Saturday night swept off the feet
A whole Sunday was perfect to meet
One lovely weekend simply made complete

Thank you for the memories
Love very "muchie"
Heart filled with glee
Cheeks hurt from all the smileys

XOXO

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

third chance around? <3 =)

2010-11-03T16:42:00.001+08:00

butterfly kisses

2010-11-03T16:30:00.001+08:00

this dress was too pretty not to be reblogged
yes, i steal things from tumblr
i still prefer blogger, thankyouverymuch

the flutter of the wings
ever so soft on the skin
the slight tickles
to say a million words

have you butterfly-kissed someone today?
do it now.

i love you

2010-11-03T00:05:00.001+08:00

i never was one to stand up for myself
i was always the one to break down and cry
but guess what dear girl?
i am strong, i can survive
i dont need you to tell me otherwise
i make the choices, i make the mistakes
but i learn to get up again after every fall
yes, things may be rough
yes, things may be tough
you might even think you cant do it
chin up grow up and toughen up
you can and will pull through
i love you with everything within me
you are worthy of love
you are beloved
you are worthy
you are Amanda

i found strength within myself,
thanks to You (JC), you (EJ) and you (JT).

everyday hurts

2010-10-29T01:21:00.001+08:00

not getting any easier

2010-10-27T14:31:00.001+08:00

you told me with time,
i’ll get used to it
im wondering to myself
get used to what?

you said you came easy
should be easy to just let you go
you don't know
you came and took my heart with you

i ask you how you do it
you tell me you don't know
you pretend just as i do
what do we do now?

how do i become your friend?
when all i feel is love
how do i spend time with you?
when my heart is breaking so

i don't tell you certain things
you think I'm getting over you
stronger as i may seem
this girl keeps getting weaker

i don't know how long i can hold this up
this charade the masquerade
my heart is breaking boy
how do i move on? sigh.

I've never felt this way before
not with anyone, never anyone
i went ahead and fell so deep
now i cant get out of this lovelorn state

i told myself time and again
never let yourself get hung up
but did i listen to myself?
never did, no, not even now

If only...

2010-10-26T16:47:00.001+08:00

If only when we met
You'd pull me close
Hug me tight
Tell me everything's gonna be alright

If only when we spoke
We didn't dance around our words
But spoke carelessly
Share much laugh more so aimlessly

If only when we messaged
I didn't have to pretend
I could tell you I'm hurting
And wish back everything

If only things were easier
It wouldn't be so awkward
Its only been a few days since
Yet today, I'm still feeling the pinch

If only I could tell you
I miss you so damn much
I still love you so fiercely
But nothing's gonna make me your lady

.sigh.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

.bitter.

2010-10-25T23:49:00.001+08:00

someday one day who knows
bitterness is a facade
i can only be strong
by keeping you at length
laughter masks it all
you’d never know this broken heart.

to bitter or better.

2010-10-25T23:34:00.001+08:00

in case you forgot,
the dynamics have changed
the boundaries are set
the limits were determined
you yourself initiated them
don’t you dare take the step back
i told you what i had planned
you told me otherwise
i took the scary step forward
and friends is where we’re at

so tell me now
what do you think?
quietly slip back into the old?
Hah- think again little mischief!
this girl ain’t letting you pass
i wonder if you notice?
i wonder if you care?
can you tell the difference?
would it make one now?

wake up and smell the options
choose well my beloved “friend”
for opportunity come sometimes but once
would you choose to leave me stranded there?
or take the risk to jump with me?
and together watch us soar
or together we’d freefall

say or do what you want
i’d think what i want
hope still bubbles within me
until i find the next in line.

note to self

2010-10-23T17:52:00.000+08:00

so much for trying,
i give up.

D Day

2010-10-21T02:35:00.001+08:00

Mark this day.
Stand firm in your decision.
Twas for the greater good.
Break not the heart anymore.

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of nuances and intuition

2010-10-20T01:14:00.007+08:00

maybe its just me

maybe it really is true
maybe im too sensitive
maybe im too selfish
maybe im too paranoid
maybe i secondguess myself too much
maybe im just too insecure

i wouldnt say the things i want to say

i wouldnt ask the things i want to ask
thats why i rely on initiative and effort
compromise of the give and take
sacrificing myself of wants needs and desires
i dont ask for the biggest of things
i dont ask for the biggest of steps
the littlest one of mere presence
would be enough to go a long freaking way

i always believe in where "there's a will there's a way"

no excuses could come between you and the end-goal

thats why nothing makes sense anymore
ive been hurt to my very core
ive given up in hoping, my heart has grown numb
just been going with the motions
just waiting for the strength to give up
waiting for the time to quit
i cannot go on this way
something somewhere has got to give way
sacrificing my God is not how i play

today has been most upsetting

the tone of voice gave way
i know the circumstances
i tried to understand
but broke my heart into pieces
when word so scarce so abrupt
not only was there nonchalance
but gave up the chance too?
i could only facepalm myself
when realization hit yet no action took place
i would've appreciated a simple hi and bye
to comfort the insecurity
reassurance much needed
thanks for terms of endearment
but no effect did this time around

but fuck it all,
i dont give a damn
sooner or later
the regret would not be mine
i may not be the best cup of tea
but i could have been a really good one
if only you knew how to brew me the right way.

goodnight,
my heavy laden heart.
im sorry for all these mean stuff
im just terribly upset.
ask me not about it please?
for real, i dont want to talk about it.

restlessness

2010-10-19T17:01:00.001+08:00

my heart is not at peace
the first time in these few months
i dont feel at ease
something is not right
i cant place my finger on what
perhaps its just paranoia setting in
side effect of all the stress
but it still doesnt make sense
i sense the cold chill and silence
perhaps its just my imagination
no endearment in the words
everything seemed so abrupt
foolish child dear girl
stop worrying for nothing
selfishness is not you to become
let others have their own peace of mind
perhaps some time alone is best
leave it all and forget the rest
hush now my dear child
tame that racing restless heart
distract yourselves with priorities
push away the insecurities
close your eyes
shut your mind
think not of the impending future
but rather of the present together
think not of sad frightful times
but of happiness joy and impossibilities

im sorry,
im just restless and worried.

i’d never tell…

2010-10-19T12:04:00.001+08:00

.sigh.

Endless conversations

2010-10-12T13:04:00.001+08:00

Endless conversations never seeming to end
Talk for hours and hours without realization
About anything and everything it all depends
An intimate moment shared between friends

So thoroughly engrossed without a heed or care
Talking about this and that and a little over there
Be it the gloomy sadness or joy so fair
Everything seems better whenever one shares

You and I have come a long way
I've lost track of when was the first day
But most certain we've had lots to say
Uncertain of the future I ask come what may

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Fingers

2010-10-11T13:13:00.001+08:00

out of my whole body,
i love my fingernails best! =)

fall in love with me

2010-10-04T22:03:00.001+08:00

it is never easy to deal with a girl such as i
someone you know you can never meet eye to eye
a girl whose past so troubled it tears the you and i
and yet against all odds questions and remarks you defy
in all honesty you tell me the truth and hold no lie
it breaks your heart and you hurt with the sigh
and yet you hold on and never let the flame die
what did a girl do to get lucky with such a guy?
of a love so fragile and so true, me oh my oh my
as much as i keep fearing the goodbye
i think id focus on loving you without the question why

thanks my baby boo
this girl loves you
hugs and kisses too
for a dream come true.

pause…

2010-09-29T22:29:00.001+08:00

…just because i love him.

Hurt

2010-09-22T02:41:00.001+08:00

The heart aches,
I feel the burn,
don't know what it takes,
before I'd finally learn.

Not meant to be,
Now and forever,
A past I can't get free,
Of a happy future? Never.

Crying used to help ease,
Now I just feel numb,
Tear my heart open please,
Make me realize I'm so dumb.

The signs come back to haunt,
Should I try to overcome?
Its mean painful ignorant taunt,
Or with open arms it welcome?

Fake smiles and empty laughter,
Barricades come rising up,
Feelings overwhelm they smother,
it just makes me go what the f***?!

If only to be forgiven,
And given a shot of hope,
Instead of being forsaken,
And left around to mope.

Make it certain,
Or leave it be!
Or else out the door just turn,
And never again me you'd see.

Just a slice is all I ask,
Or even just to drink,
Self hurt leads to my demise,
Is a very tempting thought to think.

Dark shadowy corners of my mind,
Lurks the thoughts of harm,
Not a single word of kind,
But rather there goes the alarm.

Just f*** it all,
I don't give a damn,
Too tired to think of my fall,
After all, the question is just WHEN?

PS: I'm gonna ditch my letter writing challenge, its just getting too personal and too emotional for me, or maybe its just the PMS, either way, I'm giving up and calling it quits.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

2010-09-19T23:39:00.000+08:00

Little thief,

Until today, long after it happened, it still affects me, You still affect me. Much as I try to reason things out, you bug me to no end.

I know how wimpy or wuss this may seem or it may even make you beam with scornful pride of the effect you have over me, but yes, you disturb me.

My guts told me from the very first time we were introduced that you were bad news. I just had the bad unsettling vibe about you. For goodness sake, did you lack basic common sense or do you really lack in body language speak?

You should have kept your sarcastic little lips shut and kept your thoughts to yourself! More importantly, kept your bloody hands to yourself! You don't pull off such jokes with people you've only met the first time around! Perhaps we kept it hushed thus you didn't know, but as I said, bloody body language!! Gosh.

I wanted that song for to be our song, but you ruined it when you took it and made it the song between you two. Ever since then and until today, I just cannot stand to listen to that song without feeling UGH!

I don't know what's worse; the fact that you two met up without me quite often or the fact that I let it happen. I should've seen it coming! Cunning little thief! Perhaps it was my fault eh?

Perhaps you two had a connection we didn't have, perhaps you two had feelings for each other way before we broke up, but gosh, you really should've known better not to bloody interfere! Took advantage of our weak links by offering your shoulder to cry on or supposedly being the bigger person by asking and encouraging us to stay on. Bullshit! You wanted us apart and you know it!

Well, I guess you won eh? Swooped in right after we broke up and claimed your title. And yet you could still think of cheating? My gosh, you never learn, do you?! Guess what sucka?- Karma's a bitch and it bites you back hard! Perhaps I'd never be as good as you or as satisfied as you, but heck, this girl had her own satisfaction in her own ways.

I can't believe you had the nerve to rub it in my face about the two of you and I can't believe I was foolish enough to help you out either. You may have been the best but I was the first, so whatever! Gosh, you irritate and infuriate me! And I can't believe I'm sinking to such low depths because of you.

Maybe the joke's on me, in not knowing certain things and perhaps in thinking I could fool you to think that we're now closer than you think, I know you two still keep in touch and I know I'm still a pain up your ass but frankly, I don't really care, I think you deserve it!

So have fun, I surrender my hands up.

Signing off,
the girl you tried to steal from.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

2010-09-17T23:16:00.000+08:00

Dear childhood playmate,

I know we played a lot and had lots of make believe play sessions but I can't remember the details. I was only 7 at that time?

The only thing I remember was I loved going over to your home in the squatter area to play Barbie dolls or whatever else we played those days. At that time, we didn't care what clothes we wore or where or what living conditions we were in, we were carefree and happy!

As I said, I can't remember the details, nor do I remember your name, but I do remember I had fun (or at least I think I did? I'd like to think I did.). Anyway, I wonder where you are now, I wonder how you are, I wonder if you remember. Just so you know, you made my childhood fun =)

Thank you,
The 7 year old girl.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

2010-09-17T22:20:00.001+08:00

Dear Unexpected,

It still hasn't sunken into me that you've gone back to your home, not having you around or at least not catching a glimpse of you these days seems odd.

You took me by surprise and you most certainly caught me off guard that time. I did not expect it at all and I didn't know how to react. You were a close friend, we spoke about quite a number of things, who would've known you felt that way about me.

I'm sorry I hurt you that night, words could not possibly explain or make up for how I treated you. I truly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I hope you had fun that night without me and I hope that you realized how terrible I would've been as someone special and backed out before you fell any deeper?

I thank you though for always being there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on or needed support or reassurance. I hope we'd keep in touch?

Xoxo,
Mandy.

PS: missed this letter because I had an assignment to complete =(

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

2010-09-15T22:44:00.001+08:00

Today is an exception, I would write this letter if I had someone to miss. But hmmm, I can't think of anyone or anything. Truly.

A day like today,
I sit and think to myself,
Feeling oh so gay,
Into my thoughts I delve.

What or whom do I miss the most?
Nothing comes to mind,
Even if I search from coast to coast,
Around me they are so no need to find.

Ever so lucky and blessed I am you see
The Lord had His hand in this
Made them all around me stay and be
So I wouldn't need anyone or anything to miss.

=)

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone