It's so hard not to be a fuck up in life. As though it seems to be a personal mission to fuck up every single aspect of my life.
I seem to fuck up every single thing I do, whether i try to do it or not do it at all, it'll always end up fucked up.
To not give a fuck is crime. to try and give a fuck is crime. to fuck is crime. make me wonder since when was there a bounty on my head that i seem to be the target of every fucked up situation there is.
As though its not bad enough that i've been fucked up with, I gotta go and get myself fucked. Not once, but over and over and over again. As though a reminder like heck, i'm already fucked right? what's another round of fucking gonna do to me.
Sometimes i wonder whether i purposely fuck things up just to push the limits of how fucked up i can be. Or whether i really am fucked up to begin with. or whether circumstances have fucked me over so much that i end up as fucked up as i am. or am i just fucked up that i seem to attract all the fucked up things in the universe to shower their fucked up blessings on me.
what makes the whole thing worse is that its bad enough i remind myself constantly of how fucked up i am, but to have other remind me too? or shove it in my face & rub it in just for effect? just fucking wow.
so apparently, word on the street is; forgiveness is fleeting. forgetfulness is unacceptable. having a voice is futile. harbouring hope is stupid. laziness is a death sentence. minding my own business still means poking my damn nose into everything.
the biggest blow of all, with all this and more, its a huge reminder of how fucking ungrateful I am with the gift of life that God has given me. Cause i honestly feel like im back into autopilot mode, barely breathing, barely surviving, barely living at all & just letting the seconds tick me by. Call me paranoid but when you actually stop and think about it, we don't have much time left on Earth. We're living on borrowed time. & when God asks at the end of the day, so how have you fully utilized or expanded the life I've granted you? I can only imagine myself coming up blank.
In spite of all of this, I can still take the time to be thankful. So yes, thank You Lord for making me a coward that I may never harm myself. I've gone through this before, somehow I'm gonna go through this again. Better hold on to my sanity while i still can.
So the next time anyone asks me how the fuck am i; you're gonna get a big toothy grin that says i'm all fucking fine! I can punish myself well enough so save yourselves the trouble eh.
