Thursday, April 11, 2013

Project Unbreakable

I am one of those Project Unbreakable Individuals. I too am a survivor..or so I think.

Unlike them, I can't quote what was said. I don't remember what was said. I don't think anything was even said. Even if stuff were said, I think I could have pushed it way below my consciousness. Stored it locked up deep in the corners of my mind. It's like a blurry memory I don't want to remember. It's like an out of body experience where you feel like it happened but at the same time it felt like it happened to someone else & not you.

Unlike them, I cannot speak out. There are too many factors to consider, too many risks. It doesn't feel worth speaking out about.

A decade may have gone by and I've overcome it, but the effect still lingers up to today. I am certainly not the same girl, and I believe that it is what made me who I am today.

Unlike them, I can't specify a time or place or date. It wasn't a one time thing where I can just get traumatized by it and suffer for the rest of my life. I think it's worse when it was an ongoing prolonged thing.

I don't know what's worse; asking myself if it was my fault or dismissing it that it wasn't.

Some people say I'm strong. Some people say I asked for it and I deserved it. Some people say I had a choice.

When you've been under the influence so much, you start to wonder who's the real you & what were your real motives. Did you try to put a stop? Did you encourage it? Did you enjoy it? Did you delude yourself? Did you provoke it? Were you proud of yourself? Or were you brainwashed so much that you lost yourself from that time on? Did you deserve it?

Until today, I still shudder at the thought of it. I don't know how people live with themselves carrying a secret like this, cause I know it weighs me down. I bet it's relief that I've shut up for so long, I bet it's nothing to be concerned about; I'm not so heartless & selfish to tear people's lives apart. I'm not so heartless & selfish to have done something like that to a growing girl.

I cannot tell my story, and i will not. But I hope if ever it sees the light of day, people would forgive me and try to understand what I went through before judging me on my actions.

So that's my story for now. I hope others would have greater courage than me. My heart and salutation goes out to those Project Unbreakable survivors who took a stand and voiced out, thank you for your strength and courage! You truly are an inspiration!