Dream Career Lifestyle

If only to be
A teacher by day
A blogger by night
A mother all day
A lover all night

If only to be
A poet by word of mouth
A party planner by booking
A scrapbooker by paper
A photographer by shots

If only to be
A baker by the dozen
A braider by the strands
An artist by the nails
A stitcher by the count

If only to be
A prayer by all means
A friend to all peeps
A comfort to all hurt
A change for all things

If only to be
The best that I can be
That's all I ask you see
That the Lord be with me


Amen

Bleargh!

Today is one of those days that I feel like going on a run. I've been bottling up everything, that I need to let out. Its been awhile since I felt like this, and I got to say, I don't miss this.

I want to go on a cupcake run, stuffing my face silly with the sugar frosting & chocolate chips & a multitude of flavors bursting on my tongue. I want to go on a chocolate run, popping one after the other into my mouth & chewing away my frustrations. Nope, not even going to wait & suck & savor, just chew my way through. I miss my alcohol runs that make my head spin & my heart beat faster & the world just fades away into numbness. I miss my book run where I get lost & immerse myself in a world of deceiving hope & fairytale endings or stories whose drama is worse than mine just so I won't feel so bad about myself. I want to go on a blog run, ranting & raving away just to scream it all out into words seemingly put together creatively. I want to go on a run where I won't know myself just to get away from it all. I want to go on a solitude run where I just talk to God & lie in His arms where I feel safe, untouchable & comfortable. I want to go on a run.

Sigh.

I feel so unproductive. I feel as though the world turns against me & regards me as incompetent. I feel so messy & chaotic, I'm dying for order & cleanliness. Its one of those days I feel like throwing out everything & not regretting anything. But I'm a hoarder, I hoard everything, I keep everything, I want to cling onto memories by the things I possess. Just lately I gave away a huge chunk of my book collection, all my complete series were parted from me. So sad but necessary. I've got to clear out my clothes soon as well as my bags. I need to not think too long & just throw everything out that I have second thoughts about. If I have to think about it, its not worth my effort. I have to get my life in order cause right now, right now I feel like I'm failing & I'm sinking yet again. I want a grip on life again.

My apologies for the rant. Work has been stressful lately cause everything's been piling up. These days make me realize & I'm shocked how childish some adults still are or how petty or inconsiderate some people are. It makes me realize how thin I can be stretched & how low my tolerance level can go & how not so resilient or tolerant I thought I was. I don't know if its the pressure or the stress, but its one of those days that everything & anything annoys the life out of me & its plain annoying. & now I'm just being really bratty & whiny, ugh!

Bleargh! This time blogging doesn't help. I need another way to vent or relax but how? Let's just hope these 2months pass by really quickly at work while slows down at home so I can savour & relish in the time I spend with my loved ones.

Tired now. Goodnight.

#18/05: Something you made

For the first time ever, I baked cupcakes by myself =)

For Mother's Day, which Mum didnt like =P
But I loved, so i gobbled everything up for myself.

Unrealistic Expectations or Wishes

For once, I'd like to look at the mirror & smile at the person looking back at me. I know looks aint everything, but I'd still love to look at the reflection and be able to exclaim, "wow, you look good.". I'd love to look at that image and think to myself "who is that girl, she's so confident!" I'd like to be able to say that the person staring back at me is comfortable in her own skin & is proud of herself. I'd like to be able to wear anything at all or nothing & still look amazing. I want to be able to make heads turn in awe & admiration. I want people to wonder if I naturally look stunning or am I wearing makeup or even if I am wearing makeup, its put on so flawlessly that its hard to imagine that I am. I wish I had a bounce in my step or I seem to not walk at all & seem to glide over the floor. I wish I could hold people's attention with the words that I speak. I wish I had a bubbly fun outgoing yet demure personality that would charm people into thinking I was interesting & friendly. I wish I was friendly & able to carry conversations without a hitch. I wish I smiled all the time that people would go crazy trying to figure out what's my happy secret. I wish I could command respect that people knew their boundaries with me & would not screw me over or mess with me. I wish I'd be someone people called beautiful. I wish I was stylish in my own way. I wish I was daring enough to try out new looks. I wish I was kinder, more compassionate, more understanding & more emphatic of others. I wish I had sexy hair that tumbled neatly down my back. I wish I had a fresh face that looked ready for photos at anytime. I wish I was photogenic. Heck, I can't even carry off the geeky nerdy look without looking completely dorky awkward & weird doing it.

Bottom line, I wish I was prouder & more confident of myself.

#03/05: Something You Wore Today

Supre Playsuit =)